lemguinsquirrel's Xanga

Away again, away again

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 18:26:01 GMT

In continuing the tradition of having an excessively busy summer... it's time for another trip.

My friends and I will continue the longstanding tradition of owning Panama City Beach with all the fervent intensity of epicness available to man. It will be glorious. And if not.... then I will have at least taking a chilled week vacation and hopefully rid my mind of its worries for a short time (hah, yeah right). But I believe it shall be good. Friends, ah, they are the glue of the world.

As for the rest of any other situation that could possibly be mentioned, there is little to be said until life plays its own cards.

Until then...
It's time to be crazily obnoxious and immature.

Talk to everyone in a week.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 00:08:01 GMT

Protected post up.
Tell me if you're having trouble getting to it.

Viva la Vida

Tue, 17 Jun 2008 23:58:46 GMT

Feeling, as would anyone spoiled as I, that I had not bought anything for myself in at least a number a years that entailed far too many digits, I picked up Coldplay's new cd for myself today. I don't know if it's the music itself, or just the fact that I bought myself something for once, but I love it. It's definitely a wee different from the typical. There's maybe two, at most, largely appealing earwig songs to capture the audience by. The rest seems to be more... "artistic." It's distinct, maybe even odd and more ambience than typical music, but I like it.

Particularly... I like the title. "Viva la Vida (Or Death and All His Friends)." To "Live the Life" or do nothing but, in truth, dance with death. Considering I don't quite understand half the songs on the album, I'm sure Coldplay could have actually intended a far different meaning, but I find poetry here, or at least, a mirror to myself.

"Live the life." What a title... And that is exactly what I'm trying to work on. I'm at the point in life where the "Or" found within the subtitle of "Viva la Vida" is a dire threat. We get into grooves in life so easily, and I know that the current one's style of leaving leads to nothing but an empty path, one which Death and all his friends have paved and maintain. They hide their footprints among the complacency and leisure found upon such a dusty road, but they're there... and living, truly living as much as one can, is the only divergent path.

And when there exists a key difference between truly living, adventuring, making a purpose, a difference...
...and merely existing "well" until your time is up....
one must hold such a decision imperative to his or her thoughts.

How to implement my own side of this coin is my thought now. One may, indeed, be able to swap out careers many times in college, but for me, the chance to break the cycle of the mundane seems like a very small window of opportunity, at least before in the swapping of careers, the job, the money, the so called "good life" becomes the focus. And so, for me, I'm trying to figure it out as best as I may.

I've narrowed it down to... a certain extent. Photography or Biochemistry have been the two fields that seem to satisfy my wishes. I like them both (photography much more so, but who wouldn't). Photography would leave me with more time on my hands, but Biochemistry would leave me with quite a bit more resources (read "money") to work with. And which?

Well, Biochemistry has won quite extensively for the time being, but the more I dream, the more I realize just how much I want (attempt) to get done in this world and just how little I freaking care about being "successful" as the American dream would see it, the more I absolutely and utterly doubt myself. Sure Biochemistry would give me plenty of resources, but man, what is that without the time to do something with them? Were Biochemistry to be my field, see little opportunity for work other than research, and that would undoubtedly be full time. I'm stretched thin for time working full time right now, and that's with getting in at 6 a.m., sometimes getting off early, and not having a sort of family or abode to upkeep. When did we get so busy as a people? And when would that leave me time to do what I really want- caring for people. How would I be able to set up a strong charity work only working in the late-evenings and weekends? Ok, so it's do-able, but I can't fit that in to making sense. And even if it was sufficiently possible, I know myself. I know I'm selfish, and when my time is stretched then, I eventually slack off and take some of it back for myself. Blagh!

So what am I to do? Maybe that would work, but it's seeming rather doubtful right now. And I can't really fall back onto photography either. It may give me the flexible time I need, but I want to help people. I want to feed them, clothe them, build them home, and dead gummit, that requires money! Money which I, without the aid of an unbelievably high amount of luck unable to be depended upon, would not have.

This leaves me back with science. The way it appears to me is that I will have to find some way to work part of the year and take the rest off each year. Hah, wouldn't everyone love that? That would be a serious monetary pull, but I believe inbetween my stingy buying habits and hopefully finding a higher-income job due to the nature of the field, maybe it would be a possibility. That would require saving money not only to live on during that time, but also to take and do something good with. Hah, honestly, I'm really kind of hoping to find a wife who really agrees with such life goals. To have such a companion working, if only one other small job, alongside mine, I think the money issue would be ok. Good luck to me on that though, as the basic requirement of that marriage would be "Honey, we're pretty much going to live poor." I'm up for it, and actually kind of want that to a certain extent simply to free up more to work with, but to drag someone else into that to....egh. But this is all assuming I can find a job that would let me take off thusly. Maybe it's possible; though it seems somewhat a wishful hope. Perhaps I can get some idea of this from a few of the chemists I know. It's an unstable chance this way, but it seems the only one.

Or perhaps I could take my science degree and become a professor, teach fall and spring semester classes and do my own business during the summer. Sounds good; however, I'm not quite sure if professor's get paid enough to do as I would intend. Those with their doctorate degrees, yes, but those jobs also come with the tacky little requirement of doing research as well which would once again, as I see it, kill my time.

Blaaagggh! When did doing good become such a bloody hard thing to figure out?! It's hard enough not being selfish as it is!

..."Viva la Vida." I feel it now more than ever.
I just don't know how.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Thu, 12 Jun 2008 23:27:28 GMT

I've had a knack for being extremely inconsistent with my xanga postings recently, haven't I?

I actually got back from the trip...what was it? Last Monday? Hah, yes, my propensity for stability of tasks must indeed be erratic now. It's been a surprisingly busy summer. I've had time to do a lot, even with working full-time (dear lord, I have to get up a 4:30 in the morning for it, sheesh)... this "a lot," however, has pretty much been hanging out with friends... well primarily my ol' pal Justin. So it's been good. I really wish I would have more time for myself though. Perhaps I'm crazy or too needy in that regard, but I do feel that I need a good few days to myself every now and then. I'll probably be selfish like that for a while, but hey, we're working on it.

But yes, back to the trip...

There really were no excessively "Like ohh mah gosh! We did this and this and this and this...." tales; it was more the relaxing chilled getaway. We camped near the beach in a state park island at least 5-10 miles from any commercial/residential constructions. That means, the entire beach (and by "entire beach" I mean at least a mile strip or more) was utterly left to our group. Talk about nice. The camping area was right next to a hiking trail that takes you back into the marshes of the bay and also next to a trail that led to the bay side itself. Take it from me folks, you may have been to the "beach" a thousand times, but going to the bay is an entirely different experience. The water was the crystalline tropical beauties you always see on commericals- vividly clear, shallow to knee level or lower for 100 feet out, myriads of fish swimming all about you, hundreds of hermit crabs and mollusks scooting around- suffice it to say, the bay was the best part. Mind you, the bay is teeming with more itchy/painful insects than hell itself at sunset, the sunset at the bay was the most gorgeous thing I saw there, and one of the most beautiful I've ever seen, and even we got to see the diamond sky of stars reflecting on the ocean without any city lights too! Ironically enough, however, I only took a few pictures... though this makes sense, as the sand fleas were a torment enough to cause me to repent for whatever merely over the fear that God somehow had hated me and the trip ended up with me getting sun poisoning/dehydration causing a nasty swelling of my legs and me to walk around the rest of the trip wearing a jacket to cover my skin....in 1000 degree weather.

Nonetheless, some pictures I shall indeed provide. I'm linking them from deviantart, so I don't know how long the links will remain actually working. If they go off, you can head over to DA and check out the few posted:

And I'll have to defend nature here- that's with basically no color editing at all. I have the tendency to pop up the contrast and saturation by +1-5 as kind of an OCD-really-makes-no-difference thing on all pictures, so add that to cropping the horizon lines straighter and that's pretty much it. Sunsets kick my butt.

In other news...my mind, however, is still somewhat confused about particular matters- particularly that of the church dilemma I previously expressed. I still can't bloody really make up my mind. And now I add to my thought processes a new addendum of considerations towards my future career plans....but they shall have to wait for the next post, that being a night where I don't have to wake up absurdly early the next morning.

[Yawn]

I'm impressed I'm still awake at the end of this post. Yay for bed time!

Friday, May 30, 2008

Fri, 30 May 2008 00:42:26 GMT

A quick post from a severely busy week....

I'm about to go on a hiking trip over the weekend and shall be thus absent for a while. I intended to correspond, write more, and whatnot but rather ran out of time. So I'll get back to getting back to folks when...well, dangit, I get back. Any ideas about the previous post are certainly still welcome though. I certainly still need to do some thinking on that.

And off to the woods I go....

Monday, May 26, 2008

Mon, 26 May 2008 16:33:07 GMT

Church Conundrum

So... I find myself intertwined within the debates of thoughts. Because of such, your opinions on the matter are rather appreciated.

We all know I'm somewhat of a heretic to mainstream religious thought. Residing here in the Bible Belt, coming from a Church of Christ background and high school, I would probably be burned (well at least in some verbal pseudo-discommunication type way) if my views were widely expressed. Yet I've lived among such people very peaceably for all my life. I'll slip some of my views in occasionally and rile some up to try and get some independent thinking going and tend to hang around who I feel would be more open minded to other views, and it's all gone well. Heck, I've still been going to the Church of Christ I've been at for quite a while.

And that forms a bit of the dilema...

I go to a rather (at least relatively) liberal Church of Christ. They're friendly and don't bicker with other denominations (thank God). We had a gang of bikers come through one night, and we asked them to lead different parts of the service. That was pretty freaking pimp right there...enjoyable bunch they were. So I like the church. I like the people there, and they like me.

But I feel excessively out of place. They have a free spirit, are trying new things, but I still feel they are somewhat stuck. Church is certainly not the people, they certainly want to bring people to Christ, but overall, it seems that to them, church can still pretty much only happen within the same four walls where the service meets. Everyone sings their songs, we have communion, and a sermon, and then everyone goes about their own way, occasionally bringing back a story "where God moved" outside of the four walls...but it's just singing, and it's just a sermon (which if you go every Sunday, it gets repetitive). It's the same basic principles over and over again. And it becomes somewhat stifling. My views would still cause an upset. And so...honestly, I'll be blunt, the time spent there feels like a waste.

So many times I just don't really want to go. I can get a great good out of the service, yes, but I've recently realized that I get that good out of it because I make myself to, and thus I wonder why I am doing something where I force myself to get something out of it, when I could be doing something where that would naturally come.

The nasty thing is though, the same issues have with this church... I would have with any organized corporate set of services as well. There are some that might reap more for me than others on different occasions, and I love learning from different groups of people, so I still certainly enjoy visiting around churches, but the American "church" (as mainstream thought considers it) has kind of burnt itself out extensively on me. I feel like it's doing nothing, and honestly, with how freaking busy I have become, I just don't want to waste my time on it.

Which may sound harsh, but like I said, I guess I'm a heretic. I find "church" in being with your closest friends, in taking a romp from the woods, in truly helping people rather than just sitting in some pews. I find church in living a truly loving life, on the sweet breeze in the morning air.

So one might suggest "Well then, don't go."
Here's the thing.

My mom is die hard Church of Christ...which, to them, if you're not going to church (typically a Church of Christ in particular) may God have mercy on you. So she would be rather incredibly displeased and hassle me about it a lot. My extended family is all that way as well and would be even less accepting of it than Mom, and I would be worried to lose support from them (which is very helpful to have for my broke college kid self). I would hate to hurt their feelings as well. Then there's all the people at the church. They're nice people, and I kind of doubt they would be too judgemental for me to handle, but they wouldn't understand. They would think I had fallen away or something. They would be hurt, especially since due to my nature to have a large propensity to talk out a lot, they know me well, and any further visits (which there would probably have to be some) would be incredibly incredibly awkward. Oh, and then there's my high school. Chances are I would probably lose some friends with some of the teachers there if word got around (which it would). Not to mention I work there. Heck, actually....well, crap, they may not even let me stay employed there over the summer. I think I might manage it if I church-hopped some, but man, it's possible.

Wow, that's freaking ridiculous now that I think about. Just because I might disagree on a spiritual thought about church attendance, the disagreement could infringe on that many relationships. Absurd.

There are other reasons to stay though. The church abolished the outreach ministry recently because they decided it was everyone's job. I was sitting there supressing laughter while thinking to myself "Duh!", but at least that's a good sign. We do have small group services now...I can speak out a little bit more there, but at least it's somewhat a break from monotony. My Sunday morning class is hinting ever so slightly about getting involved with actually doing stuff for people outside the church. Service. Now that's what I'm talking about. Also, I am able to somewhat rather subversively get away with whatever I want during the college year church-wise, so this would just be during the summer. And perhaps even only this summer, as we're about to sell our house (...at least I believe we will), and thus my mom would go somewhere else, and we could all withdraw membership the nice good ol' understandable way without burning too many bridges, and I could go from there...though then I might still kind of be expected to go to church, and a Church of Christ at that, and I honestly kind of dread even going just for this summer.

So it's a very sticky situation, and I'm not quite sure what to do. Honestly, I'll probably end up staying here anyways, though I feel kind of begrudging to, and I kind of feel like it's bad to do something that I only feel begrudged to do. I can say though, that if I do stay, my heretic-ness will probably be a bit more outspoken, ruffle a few more feathers, and I'd have to be there with some intention of pushing for change. If I didn't go, I would probably spend some time meditating by myself instead and doing some church-hopping.

But I know not what I shall do....blah.
It's a good church. It is indeed. And there are good ones out there. It just doesn't seem to fit. Opinions...are quite welcome.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Tue, 20 May 2008 01:33:09 GMT

Strategy

Ah, now to begin to form words into steps and steps into action.

"But how?" I might ask. I certainly...though sadly, have held the knowledge, that within my goals, within the desire of my heart to so, idealistically as it may be, change the world...have done ill to none. Where I want to be, even where I expected to be, is far from where I am. I'm still the same weak boy caught within the circle just as everyone else. Dreams came, but so did life, and ideals were cut short.

But the dreams remain.

And so, in reference to my last post, in response to this year, in readiment for a lifetime, I figured- "Hey, I might as well have a plan." And a realistic one at that. It's like I've been living with the hopes of simply flipping a switch and all of the sudden becoming a super hero. Able to be done? Well, yes. In fact, I believe we are a world of possible heros, were we merely willing. But life is tough, and a certain mix of pragmatism is...helpful.

Now, having a basic taste of my own share of adversities, I have a better idea on my limits. Though I mean not that such adversities truly have any limit over us. We may deal with them as we please. But sometimes, it's better to swim with the freaking current.

So, the battle-plan follows...

*After a year of absolute hell within college and viewing my schedule for next year consisting of two part time jobs and enough science classes and labs to destroy my life (I have a 14 hour class day- what the hell?)...as much as my mind has fought it to be otherwise, the school year will have to be dedicated to pretty much nothing but school. Only a year into college and I've pretty much accepted that the rest of it will suck. I just have so very little time due to the circumstances stacked up. I had day-dreamed all throughout highschool of all the good stuff I would do in college. And so I tried getting involved with helping at a homeless shelter earlier this year, but instead ended up not having enough time to even go to church. Thus, for the school semesters, the vastness of my time, dare I say it, will hold selfish means. The best I can do is be there for individuals here and there. I'll be an RA this next year, so by all things loved, I best get my act together attitude wise. I haven't put the effort I used to into helping others out of their problems and challenging others to make a difference in the world like I used to in a while. Now, this has a lot to do with me being spiritually shell-shocked by this school year, but one must go on. And I must give at least that throughout the rest of college.

*Summer. This summer I'm pretty much taking a freaking break, getting my brain together, and enjoying it. Consider it my carnal sabbatical, I guess you would say. I need time to enjoy myself and refocus my thoughts, which in the process of taking it lax so far, has gone quite easy. Perhaps I can step it up later on though. One things for sure, I definitely need to get myself and my friends talking more about the rest of our lives and what's important. If anything, I simply need to keep myself mindful of the main goal. However, this begs to question of the rest of the summers. Now, with this, we must keep in mind that I will (at least intentionally) be working full time. I may also take some summer classes. The way I look at it, if I take summer classes and work full time, it will just have to be a lax, come what may scenario. If I am just working full time, however, I think it would be good to try and find some place to volunteer my lazy booty at and strike away some selfishness...which, unfortunately, I will more than likely be taking summer classes the rest of my undergrad years, but I've learned that I really just don't have that much opportunity to do as I wish in this time period of my life. Blast it! And this is the one where I'm probably the most open to doing so! The main thing will be retaining the drive. Focus on keeping it real to myself, to those about me. I must!

*Grad school...is a pretty unfortunate must in my field. I have absolutely no idea of how this is going to fit into time requirements though. Meh, we shall just have to wait and see how it works.

*Ummm, and that leaves the rest of my life. Wonderful. So we've gotten to this point with, so far (with the possible exception of Grad school), me having done absolutely nothing towards my intentions. Great. And now I have to deal with being stuck in the work force. Blah....The way I see it, once it comes to this point, at least time-wise, whatever sacrifices that have to be made will be made, even if that means throwing away my job. Biochemistry would be nice, as I could possibly develop new medicinal treatments to help mankind, but that is a very indirect and optimistic approach, so helping others specifically will be my aim, and perhaps I would have to take up the very insecure profession of photography to do it (hah, I would not be disappointed). Goal number one here is, if I make anyone close to 100K, to give half of it away yearly in some way that requires me to be directly involved in the charity. If that doesn't work, Goal number two is to set up some humble fashion of my giving my time directly to people in some way. How? Hah, I laugh at such a question; we shall see. Goal three- I want to begin working on a book. Maybe that will wait till retirement, but just....at some point. Goal four- get popular and tour the world speaking for Love, vastly gaining aid for whatever philanthropic effort I'm involved in at the time, and causing others to break from the mundane cycle and instead start to make a difference by the millions (Ok, so now I'm eccentric, but who knows).... And of course, in the face of the "rest of my life," such "plans" are nearly irrelevant to the factor of whether any such will truly happen even remotely similar to as mentioned but the key here is to bloody go out and live! I must be unwilling to simply let things come to me and other than that "just live a good life"; I must go out and search for the difference I wish to make in the world myself!

Ah....good....wait, so this means I'm not doing jack till four to six years later? What?! Freaking college.... I sure hope not. These are minimum plans, necessary to be set up so when I mean a large and immense epic fail (as I have this year), I don't feel like all is impossible and I might as well throw away my goals. Some school semesters should be easier (dare I hope), in which I intend to go freaking crazy either volunteering or helping folks around the university (during the school year, I would kind of like to do the later).

Hmmm....

Life's a butt. Even when I want to go, I have to strain to plan and open up time slots for it. Ridiculous.

But we're working at it. I'm fixing my heart for the occasion. And when the time comes....

....oh buddy.

Addendum:
I add this to merely further concrete the ideals in my head so that I don't freaking cheap out on myself like I'm sure I have a thousand times before. Even though the school year after this upcoming one will probably contain the hardest class I will ever take at UAH, organic chemistry, it should entail having much more freetime as the other classes will be general ed stuff, and thankfully, I can take only 12 hours each semester (with the consideration of taking a summer class for two summers) and still graduate right on time. So, that means that I best get my butt in gear Junior year and do whatever I can. Senior year, is up for grabs with it's difficulty. But perhaps my Junior year I might even get the chance to join up with that homeless shelter as originally intended, especially considering that it's location is moving closer to UAH. If anything, I should do my best to help out the folks around the college...whatever that may mean. Then perhaps between my Senior year of Undergrad and the first year of Grad school, I cant get busy with it... dependant upon maybe settling into a house at that time or not- we shall see. But even so, I think that would allow time.

There. Now I have something tangible to work on....sort of. At least in this way I can hold myself accountable for what I'm doing in a realistic manner. Now as to what I actually do. Well, I wish that were easier said. If any have such ideas, definetely shoot them over...as I'm, well, somewhat clueless in my search.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Sat, 17 May 2008 02:18:49 GMT

I feel I have a little words now...and perhaps, in their place, tangents, feelings, and thoughts.
Which maybe is good. I have been one of many words, complete with a discourse for this and a rant for that.

But so many have penned so many words, and I worry that so little have walked the path of their own ink.

So for tonight, we'll leave it at this. Nothing flashy, nothing showy, just the detail of my thought- that I have a life to live, that there are hundreds of "circumstance" and thereby hundreds of excuses to impede such life, but that one has to start, to break the pattern and go ahead...or one never will.

Perhaps I have this summer off, as I've told myself, and maybe rightfully deserved so. But I worry for the future, and that is my thought.

I see the cycle already, and college, the working world, all such circumstances seem to yield to no end to it.
This is the undercurrent behind my eyes.

But it must not be so. Because I see the cycle, and I've seen almost all die within it.
And it must not be so.

We shall see.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Tue, 13 May 2008 00:20:26 GMT

Onward Epic, No Hopes Barred

Ah, there is a place called home, dwelling not on temporal earth, not upon gridlines and destinations, but instead, within a state of being- that pristine fresh breath you inhale at the ease of the spirit....

School has been done for a week or so now. I'm back at home. For good, or...well, at least the summer. Long enough. Long enough to breath again and begin to sing ridiculously, smile obnoxiously, and dream ever so idealistically once more. To be with friends...hah, to have a social life again at all...such sweet air.

I'm back, and feeling good ever more day by day. On to the horizon. I'm ready to pen the path there with a soft heart again. Time to get it all in track as it can be, and hopefully just to chill and enjoy the bloody summer for once.

Oh amen to that.

...back to writing again, back to reading, back to dreaming, back adventuring, back to loving....

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Sun, 20 Apr 2008 03:59:58 GMT

Ambition, Reprise, Conflict

Ambition

There's a funny side-effect of reality, ironically, when compared to dreams. One would normally equate the two as oil water- dreams, the quixotic realm of all romanticism, and reality, the harsh destroyer of such. And yet, on so many subversive levels they intermingle, almost like a slow steady waltz, so subtle, but so consistent that it fades into the background of ours lives. We have an image of them both, and an imagined pace for each of their steps; we search for such, and label thusly. And so our lives become full of either flowers or grime. We never see the two smiling at each other, hand in hand. "You must dream, son!" we hear, or perhaps, "I'm afraid, my daughter, that is naught but romanticism; the real world works differently." Maybe each thought bears truth, yet there is a couplet...and dare I verge more towards my own tendency of romanticism, I would call said couplet more so a wedding band.

The real world...oh, the harsh connotation therein! Why so? "Experience," one would say. It seems I have now had my own. I approach the end of this first college school year, and though my memory of it seems naught but a blur, it has undoubtedly coined itself "hellish." There have been wonders and greats, but there have been late-nights and cares and burdens that would make me fear the happiness of the rest of my life. I have been buried in some dark cave, as it would seem. Yet there is light to it, a line between futile pessimism and hopeful optimism- true reality, the very couplet of dreams, true hope, of which I speak.

If anything I have learned, it is that, just as dire and pressing and sometimes inevitable tribulations may be, your thoughts, your intentions, your hopes are the same. Life's events are a byproduct of choices, be it your's, others', or that of chance. But though affected, we are not governed by any choices but our own. As real as any assault upon our way of life may seem, our will, our dreams, are just as real, if not even more so. We may retain that, hold it to our last breath, and through fire or flood keep it as truth.

For so long as it is there, we are making that choice, and that choice changes our life...and hopefully, if intent be of love, those about us as well. And this intent, ah, the beautiful part, it may be the dream you will.

That is ambition, my friends. If it is there, if we hold it, it is just as real as all of life. If it withers, it is because we allow it. What destroys are dreams is not quite "the real world" as thought; it is our compromise. Sometimes, such is better, but it is up to choice. "Is this worth fighting for? Is this worth the change?" these are the questions to ask. Nonetheless, if "yes" embodies the response, fling words such as "impractical" or "silly" out the window. It is part of you. It is true. It is your choice. It is your ambition.

And so, it is so very very real.
And if you fight for it, if you work for the change, then see no reason to doubt its presentation in tangible form. That is what has formed so much reality. Many's dreams have shaped it. If them, then so us. Chance forces its hand, but we choose. Others intervene, but we choose. Yet a cordial smile they may extend as well.

I have been through rough times, and I have felt awful, yet in the end I realize I still had the choice. Chance battered me, as did the power of others', but my smile may have been my own, my intent was my own, and I may still do whatever I may to accomplish my goal. I am ambitious. And I feel that somehow, no matter what may come, I can do as I hope to. I have the impetus within me, it is real, and at the core, impetus, of some form or fashion, is what delineates life as it is.

And so dreams and reality dance. They may because they are so intertwined in truth. Our hope, our intent, our passions, they are the couplet, and our ambition, the music for their waltz.

Reprise

A few weeks ago, I passed my way through a graveyard. Among many tombstones of so very many hopeful sayings, I found, just barely etched in weather worn stone letters was perhaps the saddest phrase I've ever heard- "All we know is they came and went."

And perhaps I am cynical, but among all the tombstones, that one seemed the most true.

For we live and we die; it is what was inbetween that might have changed the etching on that elegy...but sadly different. Our lives seem focused elsewhere. Our elegies seem a form of narcissism- "We are to Heaven," of what we have tried throughout our life. We attempt a good life, and a good afterwards. Yet I must point back to that singular tombstone...for all such is nothing but a statistic.

I am unsatisfied with simply living the good life. On the other hand, I wish for no grand elegy either, if even an unmarked block, but when strolling through such a necropolis and thinking upon what it means to simply live a good life... I find it a waste.

I must echo my heart's continual cry that this our chance. I repeat my hope to live on a much grander scale, to live in love. I will continue with my desperate, and unable to be believed foolish, dream. Again, I say, may we change the world.

It is my goal, in whatever form, be it extreme or minuscule. I can not just attempt to live a good life, to do no ill and prosper. Perhaps that method is well, but though said before, my heart shouts otherwise. For no elegy, for self-endearment, maybe, not even so for Heaven, but simply because the path lay before us, because it can be done, because it should be.

...because so many souls long for it to be...

I have tasted the "good life." Material possessions, being well-provided for, involved in the world, success, pleasure. They taste of ambrosia but never satiate. I have seen it in college, the class and credit of progress, the grade and goal of a bountiful carrier. I have the possibility for the good life, the success, the leisure, the lack of care, and yet what I see, the mundanity of it all. I can not look upon such a future and feel anything but empty.

We must love, we must cry for it, yearn for it! Such thoughts reverberate continuously, yet they are so important to me. They must be the chorus of my life, the repetition, the part that matters.

And if I have an elegy, though small and weather worn, may that be it.
For in bluntness, or better said, "truth," I wish to change the world. And that, I can not escape.

This is my song.
Love, love, love...
This is my hope.
Love, love, love...
This is my joy.

Conflict

The school year ends within two weeks, though "aeon of strife" has seemingly been a valid description. For it, my bones are worn and my soul is tired, but with its end begins summer and new light. Ere soon ends what has battered me beyond the hours of human sanity and sleep deprivation each night. Yet in the crossfire of my own hopes and what I have learned within such cumbersome toils, I find new struggle.

Now...I'm not quite sure what to do...

I entered college overjoyed. "I will do this!" I said. "I can study this and get this degree and this job and..." I ever so eagerly continued. And though my tone may berate the statement, such choices and thoughts have not quite found themselves errant. It is, however, in light of my ambitions, my resolves of life though, that I simply must question.

At the moment, I'm studying biochemistry. I've somehow landed in our quite-frankly, cutting-edge structural biology lab at my university, shall begin working on real research next semester, and am quite possibly on my way to becoming a successful geneticist/drug designer. The enigmas of chemistry, of life, enrapture me, and I find the thought of all such intricate complexities of life astounding. Here I could do something I enjoy, help design medicinal cures, and have quite good job stability...and yet...

...Here also I could waste away in school. I'm good at school, I have a straight 4.0, but I am so burnt-out. When I think of what matters to me, the few years of school required seem so needless in comparison to the important of life. And though four years may seem enough, grad school would be a necessity as well, not to mention the increasing pressures of seeking a PhD. How much time must I spend for success? Not only here in school, but also in the job itself? And will I become caught up in it? It could all become just simple mundane.

So as the dream job, I've thought about photography. I love photography. I may be a massive wannabe, but I feel, given the focus, I could produce what would possibly be considered quality work. Not of hubris, but more so dreaming, I state that my friends support the notion, and I somehow managed to get recognized by the university for some of my stuff. I could for certain enjoy this job. No corporate setting, no mundanity, and importantly so, I could have the time to do what will fall into the key aspect of life- helping others...and yet...

...Job security, or even getting into the field for that matter, is an undeniable stroke of hopeful luck. Now, I feel I could do it, at least to a small degree, but the goals I have make this "small degree" possibly inadequate. I need no vast amount of wealth, but I do want stability for whoever is unlucky enough to be my eventual wife, and also, as will be a main front of my life, I want the resources to be able to help people, which, unfortunately for this society, means money, at least for much of my pursuits. Of course, as well, the issue of what schooling and the bothersome cares still associate themselves with this as well.

Then, to show just how entirely uncertain I am, dare I say it, I've even briefly considered politics. I loath even the word, but day by day I see more and more corruption within society, and it seems having a voice within the populace would be the only way to have enough influence to change such. Here would be great resources and a much broader effect for helping people than what I might have if I simply took one of my typical job choices...and yet...

...Well, let's face it, I'm not going into politics, at least not directly. It makes me sick. And I'm pretty sure I can't withstand more than three credit hours of political science classes anyway. But the thought does stick, and the benefits of it makes me question other areas.

Such as how am I to help? To who? Which of my talents should I use? Should I write books? Should I give speeches? Should I give from my pocket? Should I go on missions? Should I simply tread with a smile?
How does one start with the intent of changing the world?

Am I crazy? No, certainly not, regardless of how silly it may seem for such high hopes to fuel a war of direction within me. I feel no qualm in defending that.

Yet confused I am, with the clock slowly ticking "decide."
And so it appears some skirmish shall always be present within the human heart. Whichever side wins, may we battle for it with all our might.

Ambition (n)- an earnest aspiration, a longing; a drive, a force
Reprise (v)- to return to an original theme; to repeat
Conflict (n)- to come into collision or disagreement; a fight or a battle

...And so seems life.

There are still two weeks left of school. I have hoped, ever so redundantly, to have been able to write in this consistently. It helps, and often, I feel I need it, but as you may find from the vents of previous posts, my time has been ever so short. In thus you may not hear much from me for another week or so, yet victory is at hand, and the dern finals shall soon be vanquished. Geeze, it's time to be back on here more, and by then, I certainly should be. : )