I am so fucking miserable right now.

I don't understand how it's possible that I could STILL feel THIS way NOW.

I give up.

Seriously.

I have no desire to try.

I'm a bitch.  I'm a slut.  I'm a total fuck-up,

And what's worse,

I am still in love.

I can't beat this.

I should be happy...but I can't be. Maybe it would be best just to let it all go. I can't even imagine how it's possible that all of that could come to this, but it certainly looks that way, and I'd be telling an enormous lie if I said I wasn't doing myself a gigantic disservice by holding on to nothing.  And nothing is what currently exists there. I hate how I've allowed myself to get this low before I realized there was a problem. I hate how I let it run my life. I hate how I allowed myself to become so vulnerable I question my own worth. I should not feel this way. I should feel like there's something bigger and better out there for me. I should feel energized and excited. I should not feel this way. I should not have been crying like that. And once I figure out how to make all those 'should not's 'will not's, I'm hoping my life will change for the better. Maybe sometimes in life you have to cut pieces out to be able to see the bigger picture. Life is no fucking fairy tale.  I can pretend to be a damsel in distress all my life, and I may be completely warranted in doing so, but fat chance that anyone is going to jump on a white stallion and come rescue me from myself. I didn't ask to be stuck in this position, but how I move from it is unfortunately my decision and mine alone at this point, despite my limited options. I'm standing on the ledge now, So I guess I'm going to jump. I just haven't yet decided where it is I'm going to land...

Just something I was thinking about and decided to share with the rest of the world:

Soulmates do not exist.  The existence of soulmates is a numerical impossibility.

1.  There are more women than men on the Earth.  If all men and women were straight, this would leave many women without "soulmates" unless you were to suggest bigamy, in which case one would not have one "soulmate" (singular). 

2.  There are gay men.  Therefore some of the men on the Earth, of which the total number is less than the total number of women, would have to be soulmates for one another, leaving even more women soulmateless.

3.  There is absolutely no way that the remaining unpaired women are all homosexual.  Lesbians could not possibly cover the difference.

Therefore the traditional concept of a soulmate is absolutely impossible.

And suppose your "soulmate" got killed?  Then what?  Or what if your "soulmate" is on another continent and will never be in the same place as you at the same time?

Relationships take WORK.  You have to WANT to be with someone and WORK to make it happen.  Things like that come naturally for only part of the way.  Soul mates are CREATED, if anything, by WORK and COMMUNICATION.

So, just some friendly advice for everyone out there, and because I am a straight woman, I will address men:

If you do not want to be with a woman, do not feed her some cop-out bullshit and tell her she's not your soulmate.

Tell her she's not worth your time, effort, or work, and that that is why you have no intention of pursuing or continuing a relationship with her.

In conclusion,

The problem is not that I am not your soulmate.

The problem is that you do not feel I'm worthy of your time or your effort.

In conclusion,

Soulmates do not exist.

I rest my case.

I just want to clear my head.  So I will.  Deal with it.  I couldn't care less what you, whoever you are, think at the moment.  How does that make you feel?  Hopefully not as meaningless as I do at this particular moment in time because I don't really wish that on people, although I'm sure many share my sentiments.

How do I feel right now?...Empty.  Hopeless.  Alone.  Deeply disappointed.  Hurt.  Abandoned.  Defeated.  Deceived. 

What do I want more than anything?  First and foremost, I need to be successful to be happy...and my definition of success is slightly narrower than others'...perhaps slightly narrower than is healthy...but my definition of success is doing what I love and doing it well and generally comfortably. 

I love writing music.  I love writing.  I love feeling like I matter.  I would love to be successful writing music, writing for recreation and occupation, and perhaps teaching or working for a company either affiliated with the written word or the written/performed note.

I question whether or not I have what it takes to succeed.  Even if I do have what it takes to succeed, though, I question even more that I will be given the opportunities necessary to succeed.

The fact of the matter is, as I explained it to one friend this evening, that the metaphorical bar I have to clear to make it might be six feet high.  If I have enough to clear 5 feet and 11 inches, I will not make it.  All I need is for someone to give me an inch...but if no one will give me an inch, it doesn't matter how much talent or ambition I have - it's over.  And how am I supposed to know whether or not I will get that inch?  It's already going to take all I have to get the other 71.

I would love to fall in love and believe in it and have someone love me back and somehow find myself married happily sometimes in the next decade or so.

But I'm not sure I believe that exists for me.  It exists for some people, but I currently have no reason to believe it could ever exist for me. 

I also have no reason to believe that anyone could love me.

Beyond that, even if someone did love me, I have absolutely no reason to trust his word or his deed.

And deep down, I want to believe that the reason for that is not that I'm not good enough, that it's not something I lack...but at the end of the day, right or wrong, that is what it will always come back to.

But I would have listened to every word you said and been interested and tried to help you in every way I could in make you happy in any way possible.  It's not that I wasn't a person who couldn't do that for you.  It's that you didn't want me to.  And you can use whatever cop-out, bullshit excuses you want to cover up that fact...and maybe you'll even believe what you're saying is true...but the real truth of the matter is this:  You didn't want me to be that person, so you did not allow me many, if any, opportunities to fill that role.

Life doesn't work that way, you know.  No woman is magically going to appear in your life and be able to read your mind and fulfill your every desire without you actually communicating with her in some way, even if it's not through words.  And let me say, with plenty of authority, that blank stares, empty silences, and seemingly forced advances - verbal, affectionate, and otherwise - are not successful forms of communication.

I am not a perfect person.  I am also not a mindreader.  If that was my big downfall, I'm afraid that is one thing I do not intend to apologize for.

I really don't know what I'm supposed to do with my life now.

Tonight I was told that if I want something, I should fight for it.  If you happen to be reading this right now, I failed to call you on this one count - You, of all people, should know that I have not succeeded when I have fought for things I've wanted.  Who's to say that I will not fail in my educational/career goals just as I failed with you?  You didn't give me a chance, and life will likely not give me a chance either.

So should I fight or not?  Would it be better to choose a slightly less glamorous path with a higher chance of success or follow a dream that I will likely never fulfill for reasons I cannot explain?

There are plenty of people who choose the former.  They may not be truly happy or completely fulfilled, but they are certainly not completely unhappy either.  They lead comfortable lives and die in relative comfort.  They never achieve anything great, but life never hits them so hard they can't get back up again.

Then there are people who choose the latter.  Some of them are as happy as people can ever really be, completely fulfilled, and truly make something of life.

Some of them, like my father, wind up with nothing but pain and regret and take it willfully to the grave.

Which is worse?  I don't know.

Maybe the problem is me.   Maybe this faces all people, and most people learn to face it.

But how am I supposed to face the fact that there is a distinct possibility I could fight hard for all of my dreams and end up miserable and unsuccessful and never having even tasted briefly what the products of those dreams were supposed to?  How am I supposed to face the fact that I will likely again spend all of my deepest, most intense emotions and my CONTINUOUS AND UNWAVERING passion on someone who will likely turn around and tell me that he could not have a deep connection with me for more than a FLEETING, COMPLETELY INSIGNIFICANT PASSAGE OF WASTED TIME and leave me to burn in that passion.

I wish there was something, ANYTHING that I could count on.

But there is nothing.

So now I will go and again try to practice this music because I  am too in love with this dream to give up until it turns around and tells me it would prefer to be fulfilled by someone else.

And as for the one dream who did tell me that - I have run out of ideas.  I cannot do anything for you, and you cannot do anything for me.  I can do nothing for you because you neither want me to nor will allow me to.  And you cannot do anything for me because I am not going to really share myself, in any role, with someone who has openly admitted he has placed a limit on what he will share with me, in any role.  I offered you everything, and you spit it back in my face.  That's your right, but why should I have to settle when you wouldn't? 

The best part is that you are most likely largely unaffected by that statement.  If I did remove myself from your life, you would not feel the effects.

So why am I there in the first place?

Is that my consolation prize?  A temporary state of affairs until Miss Someone-You-Can-Actually-Relate-To comes along?  Pity?

Now THAT would be a fucking pity.

Give me ONE good reason why I shouldn't metaphorically sit on my ass for the rest of my pathetic life.  I DARE you.

I just realized precisely how pathetic I am -

Not only can I not get someone to love me - because I suppose I'm not alone in the world in that respect...

I have no one who can even make me feel remotely better.

Actually, currently, at 1 in the morning, I don't even have anyone who can try, and I can't leave my house and go for a drive, so I'm pretty much screwed, and I'll just sit here staring at the pieces of my little hell until I become unconscious.

But even if someone were trying right now,

Nothing makes me feel better.

I wish I didn't know how little I meant in this world.

I wish I thought I was special.

Because being wrong would feel so good right about now.