letitrainlove's Xanga

Photo Blogginggg

Fri, 19 Sep 2008 07:33:11 GMT

So I never posted my second tattoo.

It looked like this.

Now it looks like this. (I have one more session to go before it's complete; there will be some shade work done.)

My right side looks like this.

I'm also only a 1950's hosuewife kick.

I got Indian food and amazing coffee tonight; I didn't pay a dime. I'm starting to wonder how long I can pull this off and at what cost. Will I get my heart broken or eventually break someone elses?

I'll be in Pittsburgh all weekend by myself, studying for the LSAT, and doing homework, I kind of can't wait for the breather. I think I need to sort some things out in my mind. School is really stressing me out. I finally got put on sleep medication. Works like a charm and I feel less anxious during the day. Life is busy but very good.

Off to curl up with my cat. g'nite loves.

turning siamese.

Mon, 15 Sep 2008 03:38:59 GMT

oh wait. it's just my cat.

Meet Nicky.

I'm something like a 1940's housewife with a love for feline friends.

Concepts of beauty.

Tue, 09 Sep 2008 04:08:57 GMT

Here is a question. I highly doubt my appearance has changed much in the past 6 monthes, or more recently month. My attitude, wit, and personality are all still the same.

So why is that within the past few weeks I have had a random boy buy me a shot, a boy buy me 5 rounds of drinks, a boy pay for my liquor run- the same boy pay for my lunch, another boy buy my dinner, and a complete stranger pay for my mountainlair parking when I was rummaging through my change?

I know htat these things would not have occured a year or two ago; I dressed more grungy and wore a different style of make up. I have changed to a more conventional and classic look with a hipster twinge. My friend Yo and I were talking and she told me that she feels as guys get older they learn to appreciate classic acts of beauty more than the preppy slut look and that I had it down pat.

I hate to think that these acts of kindness are happening for my looks and not my inner self. I don't even think of my looks as being great, I think I'm mediocre. I'm not bad, I'm not amazing. I'm here. hah.

Perhaps my self esteem is low or maybe I just never tried before.....but all of these things have happened without any anticipation or effort. I'm starting to think that things really do happen for a reason and that my bad luck of the summer really was just a way to thrust me into a whirlwind of new faces and kind gestures.

I think it's funny I love to dress and look classic and innocent, but on the inside I can be pretty devious and rotten. I don't mean to lead others on, I just can't help myself from doing as please lately.

I think there is one boy that I could settle with. At least for a while. He is intelligent, handsome, kind, chivalrious, and good in bed. Men like that scare me, too many good things can't be true. I'll either get hurt or .....well probably just hurt. My earring is still on his bed I bet. I'm scared to call. I'm never scared to call. I want him to like me, I'm pretty sure he does. I want more. More kisses and more talks. More anything.

I feel as though I am cheating on him although we are not together; a handfull of dates and a drunken lay. I'm going to dinner with another boy on Thursday, should I cancel? I don't know. Part of me feels I should not for his sake, but my own.

I've nver quite done this dating thing before. A whole new world of possibilties. I'm starting to really like boys again.

I'm typing up a paper while sipping on some chamomile tea. I just bought a silk, ivory teddy and blue lacey underwear set. I'm wearing it for myself tonight, and I feel beautiful.

I don't need anyone else.

Nevermind, fear isn't real.

Fri, 05 Sep 2008 19:42:03 GMT

Eric is drawing up an outer design for my left ribcage. I have an appointment for Saturday. So excited.

I slept with a boy. I hope lunch tomorrow isn't awkward. It was really nice. He is super sweet and a kickback from my past. This morning was even nice. I hope that a good friendship comes from this at least. I don't like one night stands.

I'm such a romantic.

Fears

Thu, 04 Sep 2008 17:40:46 GMT

The opposite could be just as bad, I just don't have that problem.

September

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 07:30:40 GMT

Smile! It's easy.

Is it sad that watching Wall E made me want to love? Sometimes I wonder about myself. I've become so self-absorbed as of late, and I can't sleep. It will pass..it always does. I'm happy though. My days are filled so I never have a chance to dwell on something particularly unpleasant for too long. I've been in Weirton for a day now and that has helped to calm my mind. What a few cats and bath water can do!

MY week is so busy! Tomorrow I have yoga and then have to finish a paper. At 5 I goto Grafton again and I finally get to meet with the residents of the correctional facility for class. I'm super excited! On Wednesday I have class and work and hangouts planned. LSAT studies and club stuff on Thursday. Friday I'm hanging out with Jeremy and on Saturday I have a lunch date followed by the literary poetry reading at B & N. Whew! Sometimes I think my life is mundane and then I laugh. I miss 3 am slushies and EnP trips though. I'm sure I'll get around to it eventually. I've forgotten that school actually takes away precious hours of social interaction.

Tonight I scanned in some photos of my family finally. I miss them more than I let show. My mama, papa, and mimi were so special to me and are the reason I have the virtues I do. I acquired my taste for Italian art and food, learned to dance, and how to be a genuine person. They all died much too early. My mimi was a very interesting lady. Never married, she had TB for a few years and didn't die, turned down the richest man in Weirton. Mama and Papa were the epitome of the Italian couple. So it goes.

Mimi. She was a flapper. This photo is right before she got TB I think. I think she is where I get my love for all things literary. (There is a sweet 1920's clutch of hers I have- she had great taste.)

My Mama. Beautiful as always. She was kind and strong even when I had to help her drink because of the cancer.

My Papa. He died when I was 17. In November 2004. I miss him dearly. In one of the last conversations we had he told me I was beautiful, to never give up, to do what makes me happy, and to take anything of his that I desired. I'll never forget learning to Waltz in the background or helping him in the garden.

I think they taught me how to love, and how to be cultured.

Whore

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 08:22:55 GMT

Tonight Jordan made a kissing booth at work. Then he put a sign on our tip jar "Kisses for $1(employee of choice)". I'm the only employee that was chosen.

Tonight a boy paid $6 for a peck. He wasn't even unattractive...at all.

I don't know how I feel about this.

Life cannot be written.

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 18:00:50 GMT

I'm thinking of using this font and a different yet similar quote. I'm thinking somewhere on my back. I'm not sure. I'm addicted, and I'm in love with literary quotes right now. I like Oscar wilde.

Also I've been doing a lot of art lately. Acrylic paintings, ink sketches, and cyanotype print photography. My stuff may not be perfect, but it's getting better each week. I'm going to put togehter some stuff and do an art show I think. I may do everything at once or maybe photography first ? I did some warhol-esque prints and dyed the paper after the negative was flipped. What's funny about this is I have no idea where I'm finding the time.... I really have NO clue.

I went to an art show opening at the MAC with Mike and Nick the other night. I felt so at home. I cannot wait to move to a more cultured city. Free wine and food and bands and art! ah it was heaven. Afterwards I went to Micah's for Jager and music. Then we went to 123 to watch the Librarians....I ended up being blackout crazy and left before they came on....atleast I think. Prior to leaving it was awesome though. So many of my friends were there, I was pumped. Thene I went to Shawns to listent o LP's with a few friends, drunk made us food at the Pit, and got Fish to take us to my house. hahaha. It was a great night. Other than that I've been studying and working. I need to request days off from Jed and also get my study group for the LSAT going. I should do that very soon.

Oh so here are some quotes I'm throwing around in my head:

Oscar Wilde

Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.

It is what you read when you don't have to that determines what you will be when you can't help it.

There is always something ridiculous about the emotions of people whom one has ceased to love.

One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.

Romance should never begin with sentiment. It should begin with science and end with a settlement.

JD Salinger, The Cather in the Rye

You'll learn from them - if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It's a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn't education. It's history. It's poetry.

(^ Mainly the last two lines)

Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.

T. S. Eliot

I have measured out my life with coffee spoons.

In my beginning is my end.

Poetry is not a turning loose of emotion, but an escape from emotion; it is not the expression of personality, but an escape from personality. But, of course, only those who have personality and emotions know what it means to want to escape from these things.

This love is silent.

This is the way the world ends, not with a bang, but a whimper.

You are the music while the music lasts.

Realization

Wed, 20 Aug 2008 03:42:59 GMT

I shouldn' t have gone to 123 last night. I drank shitty beer and hungout with fun, shitty people. I got home at 3; I had to wake up at 9:30.

When I got there I sat down at Keegan's table. He was by himself in the corner drinking shitty beer. He looked awkward as I walked up to say sorry. I slowly sat down, half scared and pretty damn unsure of myself. When jordan walked away from us, I said "I'm really sorry..........Are you actively avoiding me now?" He replied "Yes, and it was working just fine until now."...He then got up by climbing over the table and went to the other bar. We had a few other awkward moments throughout the night...........I feel bad, it's not even that I was mean, it's that I can actually affect someone in such a way that they waste energy on me at all. Avoiding takes more effort than civil action. I don't know. He mentioned Micah, maybe the fact that Micah had/has a thing for me scares him. I'm mentally attracted to him, that's it. So I don't know why he would think I'd be pursuing him in any other way that he feels the need to avoid me? and he was the one buying me the drinks and telling me to call him. He also said that he used to get things accomplished, then he met me and it stopped. I find that histerical since we've hungout...........3 times, 5 counting him coming to the Pit while I worked. hmm. I give up.

I had a good night despite that. Ricky was there, Yo and Matt, Andy Mack's friends minus Andy, Ash, Blair, Jordan, Shawn, Nick, Nick, Micah and Tristan. I techno-danced my little ass off for way too long. I shouldn't have stayed. I'm hipster trash. Sometimes I want to punch myself in the face. As I slid into my little black dress, purple shoes, and pulled up my hair with sweeping bangs I caught a glimpse in the mirror. I don't recognize myself half the time.

******************************************

I can feel my social life being ripped away from me. I've always surrounded my self with a heavy cloud of smoke and mirrors, parties, friends, adventure, plans...anything to distract me from my day to day life (which is fine despite it all). The next 5 monthes of my life are going to be NOTHING like that.

I'm taking 16 credit hours. One class is taught 45 minutes away at a prison. There are 5 books which have to be read in their entirety, 9 papers, and one final 12 page paper. I also have theory, aka- the class where noone gets higher than a 60 on the exam. I'm taking Philosophy which is fun and also Women and Men in society. Yoga is on
Tuesday afternoons with Jordan. Today the teacher said we didn't have to stay if we didn't want to, but we did anyway. It hurt all kinds of bad. I did not know I had those muscles hah. I thought it was like happy yoga, turns out it's the burn baby burn yoga. oh well. I'm going to look fucking sweet by December which is convenient because ya know.....you wear a lot of layers then. (sarcasm central). Well I decided Sundays I'll goto the REC with Doyle to run and do arms, Tuesdays Yoga, and Jordan wants me to sign into a kickboxing class with him..I think I will. So my class/ workout schedule is going to be a lot of work. Hours of week at the library, writing papers and doing research at home, and going to the gym.

Dr. Nolan also needed a few kids to sign up for a research project where a few weekends during the semester we goto Pittsburgh and do fieldwork and interviews on crime. I signed up, I'm a glutton for pain and being overbooked.

I created an LSAT study group. We start next week.

I went to the Pita Pit today and Jed told me he saw my note and said I wouldn't have to work both friday and Saturday. He let me pick which day I wanted, and I told him I'd work the closing Friday night shift with Jordan. Easy as pie; Jed is so nice and understanding. So my work schedule is closing on Wed and Fri unless I switch and also a 3rd shift on Sunday or Thursday ...something like that. 15-20 hrs a week.

I have to help out with rush for APO next week. I guess I'll probably booth sit on Monday and Wednesday or something. I need to find the time to goto the meetings, be a big, do charity work, habitat, and be productive as the quartermaster.

Atleast I like coffee....right?

hahahahahhahahahahah.

I need to go read 2 articles and 2 chapters. My tattoo itchessss. Goodnight world!

From the beach.

Fri, 15 Aug 2008 08:12:52 GMT

written on the beach..

7:30 p.m. Tuesday

There is the taste of bitter sweet coffee on my tongue; it hardly gets better than this.

I'm sitting in the sand, waves are kissing my feet as the suns warmth surrounds me. This place makes me want to love. It gives me hope. Seagulls are circling areas where children have dropped their french fries, and couples are walking hand in hand. Everyone seems to be friendly and no one looks like they feel alone.

The sun is starting to set, casting various shades of pinks and reds on the water.

I have to go meet my friends soon. It hardly gets better than this.

(So yeah that was written a few days ago at the beach, I LOVED it. a better update later.)

I'm pretty in love with pretend pony rides and 10 cent ski ball.

My sister and jordan are on the pirate ship, last row on the right. <3

Why yes I drank a Sangria as large as my head. Heavenly.

Real beach pictures coming soon.