I will not be writing in this anymore.

Last month, my boyfriend found this Xanga, which confirmed his suspicions. He told me to get help and to start to eat, and I told him he was delusional.

I guess I was the one being delusional. The first thought that came to my mind was that I was so embarassed. Not because I was starving myself, but because I thought I was far too huge to be considered at risk or unhealthy.

Perhaps I am delusional. I still don't eat as much as I should, but I have stopped purging.

I need to try to recover for my daughter.

I still go through days when I won't eat more than a small piece of something random, but then there are days when I will eat a "normal" amount.

I have maintained my weight. I lost 2 lbs this weekend, but I think it'll come back. I guess my weight is good for my build, although I'd like 10 lbs less.

I will never be happy with how I look. I still feel fat, and I get so sad when I see thinner people than me. But I need to be stronger for my loved ones.

Ana is not my friend. Mia isn't either. Friends don't let friends slip away.

Let the sun fall down over me.

-End.

I hurt my back last night, very badly. The spine now curves and sort of pushes through my skin (moreso than before.)

I was laying down on the ground in an unavailing attempt to straighten my back when I noticed I was being looked at very strangely.

Even with a shirt on, you can see where my stomach caves in and my ribs stick out.

And I went on the scale and I realized I had lost 7 lbs this week. That's literally one pound a day. And I smiled that I had managed to do that.... until I snapped out of fantasy land and realized the scale is STILL entirely too high. How can I still weigh what I weigh?

My daughter is 4 months old... that is FOUR fucking months to loose 50 lbs like I wanted.

Well, here's what happened. Directly after I gave birth, I lost 25 lbs without trying. After that, I wanted to loose 30 more as goal weight 1, and then 20 more for goal weight 2.

I have lost 30 lbs after that 25. That is IT. Nothing more. I am not less. I am pathetic. four months and I still look disgusting. I have no idea how my boyfriend can touch me. I won't even let him see me naked.

Pics to show what I have become. A body so distorted I don't think I will ever regain my control to be who I used to be. Little, weighless, happy. My father used to be able to pick me up... and then one day he stopped. And I know why he stopped! I WAS TOO FAT HE COULDN'T HANDLE IT!! And my father is strong.

My boyfriend can't even hold me. And he can grab my lovehandles. Damn baby... I love her more than a thousand times over the moon and back, but I wish I wasn't ever pregnant. It messed up my body very badly, and I'm having a shit time getting it back.

^^Laying down with a shirt on. This is what someone saw. My hip bone, my rib, and then that's my fat ass boob right above it.

^^Another one, a little clearer. Yes, my chest is huge. Pregnancy made them a full D.

Now that I have those back problems, I am going to go to my doctor tomorrow and ask if I could get a breast reduction covered by my insurance. I have been waiting years to get my chest smaller so it could match the rest of my body. Why do people want boobs? THEY ARE JUST HUGE BLOBS OF FUCKING FAT!!!!  Just like me. God fucking dammit.

I'm going to go throw out all the food in the pantry.

Okay, so YES I do have a daughter, Jamie Lain, and she is just a little over 4 months old. Hence, my stretch marks.

Here she is:

I took that yesterday.

^^The infamous ribcage.

^^Head view of ribcage

The end.