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lifeisvanity
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Name: Heath
Birthday: 4/23/1986
Gender: Male
Interests: Spirituality, Taoism, Gnosticism, Avant Garde, Tarot, Garageband, Japanese Horror, I Ching
Expertise: Japanese Horror, Garagebane
Occupation: Student
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  Portishead721
Member Since:
6/21/2004
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| Hangin' with the Quakers
-or-
Why I drove all the way to Fort Worth to sit in a silent room for an hour
I've
been interested in Quakerism for quite some time now. Awhile back, I
took Beliefnet's Belief-o-Matic quiz
(http://beliefnet.com/story/76/story_7665_1.html), and Quakerism ended
up being one of my highest matches. At the time, I'd never even heard
of it before. But, I did some research online, and started to get
really interested in it. Then, around that time, in one of my History
classes, I had the opportunity to read and analyze the Journal of
George Fox. As I was reading it, I found it to be incredibly moving,
and I started to envy that simple faith that carried him throughout all
of the persecution he faced.
See, I was raised in an
evangelical, conservative Southern Baptist church. Sunday after Sunday,
I would be reminded that if I didn't witness to my "unsaved" friends,
they would end up in hell for eternity. That whole concept used to
scared me so bad that I would have nightmares about people I knew,
friends or not, ending up there. It just seemed so incredibly sadistic. I
remember this one dream I had, rather vividly. I died somehow, and I
ended up in Hell. And when I asked why I had ended up there, even
though I'd been a devout Christian, I was told that it's because I'd
followed the wrong religion. It turned out that the RIGHT religion was
some religion from the other side of the world that I'd never even
heard of before. Then, when I woke up, I realized that countless
millions of people would have that very fate when they died, and it
scared me to death.
As I grew up, I started to question a lot of
things. In my church, we were always told that it was natural to
question our faith, but there was always this understanding that since
our faith was right, if you question it, you should end up with the
exact same answers as everyone else. Because a lof of my questions
about the concept of Hell could never be answered in a way that I found
to be satisfactory, I started to get terrified that maybe I wasn't
really "saved". In fact, I was always looking for something that I
might have done that could have possibly voided my salvation.
Then,
something else came along to complicate things even more. Around the
time I started middle school, I started realizing that something about
me was different. I'd always felt different from other guys, but as I
hit puberty, it became painfully obvious. I started to realize that I
was struggling with what other Christians called "same sex attraction".
Night after night, I would pray to God that I would be saved from this
horrible disease. I would pray so hard that I would cry. I couldn't
possibly imagine living as a gay person, because, in my mind, that
would mean Hell. However, to make an incredibly long story short, I
ended up accepting my sexual orientation, and I clung to my faith
throughout the entire process.
However, shortly after, my
parents found out. That was without a doubt the worst night of my life.
They ended up making me visit our church counselor, an old family
friend, once a week. He pretended to be on my side, but at the same
time, he was giving my parents Focus on the Family materials. He told
me that he wanted me to continue to grow in my faith, but he constantly
attacked all of my beliefs, such as Universalism, and that
homosexuality is not a sin, and other things that he found to be
unorthodox. He crushed my faith.
I've been bitter towards
Christianity for the past few years. My heart has been hardened, and
I've been carrying around this tremendous weight of anger inside of me.
I was so hurt, but part of me longed for the old days. The days when I
was so sure that God was up there in his Heaven, and that he loved me,
and that everything would be okay. I wanted to believe like that again
so bad... but I was scared. I was scared to go back to Christianity,
because I was so scared of getting hurt again. I didn't know what to do
or where to turn.
So, like I said, out of curiosity, I took the
Belief-o-Matic. My number 1 match was Unitarian Universalism, and my
number 2 was Quakerism. I visited a local Unitarian church, and I
thought it was really interesting, and while I totally respect the UU
faith, it just didn't feel like it was for me. Then, about that time, I
found out about the Gay Christian Network (http://www.gaychristian.net)
through my good buddy, Mike. After hanging around there for awhile, I
ended up having the chance to meet Peterson
(http://a_musing.blogspot.com), who's a Friend (that's another word for Quaker). We talked online for
awhile one night about Quakerism, and faith in general, and he really deepened
my interest in the Quaker faith. And, He ended up finding out some info
about the two meetings in my area :)
So, this weekend, I finally
got up the nerve to visit a Quaker meeting. To be completely honest,
part of me was a tad nervous because I really didn't know what to
expect. After getting lost a couple times, I ended up finding the
building, and saw two people standing around outside. Turns out the
person with the key to the building was running a bit behind, so I got
to use the few extra minutes to talk to the two of them. One of them
was a guy, probably in his 30s, who was raised a Friend, and the other
was an older woman who was a "learned" Quaker... they both really nice.
Then, after the key arrived, we all went inside. The kids
went off to "first day" school, and the adults went off to this room at
the back of the building. What was REALLY cool is that the room had a
bunch of comfy chairs and couches. I know, it's pretty mundane, but I
thought that was a nice little touch. So, we all sat down (there were
about 4 or 5 of us at this point), and closed our eyes, and started to
worship in silence. I'd been told by several people that silent worship
in a group is more powerful than on your own, and after going to the
meeting, I can understand that. I don't know quite why that is, but it
really was a pretty powerful experience, and the hour flew by, and when
it was over, everyone started to shake hands and say "good morning". I
looked around, and I bet there were about 15 adults at that point, and
a bunch of children. We went around and introduced ourselves, and had a
couple announcements.
Then, when everyone ran off to the potluck
in the other room, the woman next to me stopped me and said, "I
remember you!". Ya see, a looong time ago, when I first learned about
quakerism, I'd posted on a Quaker message board to see if there were
any Quakers in my area, and this woman from the Fort Worth meeting
replied and told me I should come visit them. Anyways, it turned out
this woman, who was a huge sweetie, remembered me. We talked for a bit
about the meeting, and she told me that the group had a library, and I
could borrow any books I wanted. I totally wanted to check it out, but
unfortunately, I had to speed down I-35 back to Denton so I wouldn't be
late for work. But, I'm definitely going back next week :)
This
is just so exciting... it's exactly what I've been looking for.
Everyone there is so sweet, and the meeting was incredibly powerful. I
really can't wait for next week  Who knows, maybe I've finally found
a faith where I belong :) | | |
| Ben: Ugh, have fun with your school shit.
Heath: Ugh, have fun with your work shit.
Ben: UGH, have fun with your LIFE shit!!
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| Despite all the upsetness...
Stephanie: it'll pass eventually....in like 20 years...
Me: ya
Stephanie:
you'll probably have to get married in a different state...or we'll
start a secert underground marriage chapel for the gays. i can be the
preistess. i'll be like harriet tubman
Me: hahahaha, the underground wedding processional
Stephanie: yuss.
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| i got my letter from the social work department today... i got accepted :)
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| Stephanie: haha
Stephanie: what is a heath?
Stephanie: i just read the line "he spent a few days confused walking on the Heath"
Heath: Heath- n 1: a
low evergreen shrub of the family Ericaceae; has small bell-shaped pink
or purple flowers 2: a tract of level wasteland; uncultivated land with
sandy soil and scrubby vegetation [syn: heathland]
Stephanie: heathland?
Stephanie: HAHAHA
Stephanie: you're a wasteland
Stephanie: HAHAHAHA
Stephanie: scrubby vegetation..
Stephanie: that's a fucking RIOT
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