lifesxbeauty's Xanga

frustrated.

Sun, 18 May 2008 05:24:32 GMT

i feel bad as it is with my own decision.. i decided not to tell you for a reason and thats because i knew you would be hurt by my unwise choice!! so yes i made a mistake and i dont blame you if you hold it over my head from today and forever .. but if you are then ignore me dont talk to me simply hate me, but instead you keep talking to me you keep making me feel worse and worse about everything that has happened and everything that might happen from today and forever.. and yes i can't change that and i can't change my past either .. so if you're not willing to accept me as your friend then what else is there left for me to say? there just isn't anymore words left to say to you .. maybe i'm not the girl you thought i was? maybe i still am but who knows you just turned your back on me in the quickest second you got .. and it doesnt surprise me not at all .. its all the same.. things never change .. people do .. you just changed a lot faster then anyone else that i know .. well maybe thats not true you just changed pretty quick it was like an instant but not quite.. i dont know .. love me hate me.. i'm me and sorry for being who i am .. sometimes i get put on this certain road or street and i dont set out to be on but when i'm there i wanna find something beautiful about it and i suppose that was the one thing that made it beautiful.. keep in mind you didn't do much to prevent all of this . no i'm not blaming you for my work doing but you aren't exactly a fucking angel as you would picture yourself .. so hate me .. you'll feel better about the whole situation .. i know you will and turn your back and dont look back .. cause i'm going to be the person whos going to make you regret for ever talking to her !! .

fuck .. so much has been on my mind and all this shit just doesn't fucking help anymore .. i get tired too .. i lose myself sometimes too .. i can't always keep it cool and hold it all back and its all a secret because its meant to kept to oneself .. but you wanted to fucking know so i told you and now you're acting like you're the only one hurt so what can i do? NOTHiNG !!

you look like the shit under my shoes ..

BLAH BLAH BLAH. RANDOM STUFF

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 04:44:11 GMT

hmm. people are annoying. :/ i secretly wish they would all die .. well it's not a secret anymore but i do wish hell for everyone i hate .. well no i don't but i feel like i do !! ugh i'm not making sense. so lately i've been spending way too much time on this stupid site that ive come to realize how annoying and superficial people are.. its a little make believe world they all like to live in to make themselves happy .. its cute but sad? i don't know .. i see some are truly happy with and without stick and then i see some who NEED stick to survive its sorta sad to say but they need to get a life .. and like the little girls on there who claim they hate the attention well surely enough they don't hate it they want more of it .. letting others degrade them in various ways .. * sighs * its all my opinion .. hm. so anyways .. today my father and i got lost looking for this address so sad spent 3 hours in a car looking for a school that wasn't even close to where we were at .. such a waste of time and gas .. well it was nice spending time with my father i suppose but then he just kept nagging about my SAT scores and junk that i already hear enough from teachers and shit .. gah. i know he cares [: i love him .. <3 ohh today was like the first time in weeks that my mom hasn't yelled it was like AMAZING !! :D so happy .. i wonder is it possible to look at someone and feel lonely because you think they feel lonely well of course its possible but i mean why do i feel that? i was looking at a few people today and they just looked so lonely and sad .. makes me feel sad .. * sighs * .. ohh yeahh .. i almost forgot .. so i wrote this in my journal but i wanna write it here too .. i made a new friend his name is queer and hes pretty .. really i mean it hes pretty .. but i can't tell him that cause hes gay !! .. he'll only laugh ../: ohh yeahh some girl i dislike with a slight passion is trying to gett all up on his sack and i dont care but then i do i mean i dont like the queer but just this girl isn't the one i would recommend him dating ? lol i dont know . i dont know what else to write ohh yeah jon has a sore throat from deep throating that fucking huge black dick the other night .. he told me not to tell anyone but yeahh i had to let it out to someone or something .. in this case my xanga :D blah blah blah .. so now i'm just sitting around and writing about random ass shit .. i miss cj so sad i dont have my phone so i can't talk to him i miss him :( i hope hes okay and i hope hes safe .. <333 SIX FLAGS WHEN HE GETS BACK TO CALi WOOHOO !! can't wait :D blah blah blah .. fuck i'm going to go call chris .. ohh ohh and i found out that my queer doesnt smoke .. woot woot .. lol :D uh. i'm going to go call chris now !! STATE TESTING FUCK ME !! ahhhh. oh well .. i can sleep during class :D

---- POLLY.

love is never lost ..

its only taken for granted .

UGH. PROM. FUCK ME !! L0L

Wed, 23 Apr 2008 19:16:28 GMT

so prom is coming up in two weeks.. TWO WEEKS !! :/ i'm still unsure if i wanna go well i do but then i think more about it and i dont, but i know if i dont go this year i surely won't go next year ugh. i hate thinking about this!! everyone i know has a date to prom and i do have someone in mind but then i know if i ask him then he'll give me the "WTFK" response and ah. i dont wanna deal with that i suppose you can say. :/ anyway. prom is in TWO WEEKS if i haven't said that enough, but i dont even know anymore shoot me so i dont have to think about this. lol. jk no shooting up in here!! [; . ohh i finally realized what kinda tattoo i'm going to get. [; i'm going to get my grandmothers chinese name and her death date [; it wont say in memory or anything like that cause thats too gangster for me but i wanna get her name and her date cause its a part of me she was a part of me so it'll mean a lot and i was asked if i was going to regret it and i dont think i will, actually i know i wont :D i love her so much sometimes i miss her being around.. there isn't anyone to talk to anymore and theres no one to really run to with open arms.. everyone is so caught up with their own drama and i surely dont wanna burden them with mine so i put on a smile and get thru my day not saying that my life is horrible or anything cause it really isn't bad its actually been hella good even with all the little shit that happens every now and then :D .. well i jsut wanted to come and rant about nothing. [:

MUSIC IS MY THERAPY

Sat, 19 Apr 2008 20:14:06 GMT

Varsity - All Of Me <3

(Verse 1)
I heard a sad song playing on the radio
About a girl who loves so much
She never really let it show
Outside the rain keeps falling down my window
I'm crying inside
Gotta see you tonight
I understand that somebody had broke your heart before
But it wasn't me who left the pieces lying on the floor
But it's me who's out here in the rain
I can't let ya go
Payin the price, for all of his lies
I'd write you a song
But I can't find the words to say
To tell you what's on my mind
but even a symphony can't say what you mean to me
So how can I, how can I give you

(Chorus)
All of me
When all I get is half of you
Now tell me what am I supposed to do
If all I get is half of you
If all you give is half of you

(Verse 2)
Wanna be the reason that you'd never look for love again
Baby girl I wanna be your lover, your best friend
How we gonna make it if you're never gonna let me in
What can I do
To prove that my love is true
I keep holding on
For as long as it's gonna take
Until you realize
Look in my eyes
And never let you be betrayed
I'm not that guy
But how can I give you

(Chorus)
All of me
When all I get is half of you
Now tell me what am I supposed to do
If all I get is half of you
If all you give is half of you

(Bridge)
Now girl you got me locked up too many times
Got me paying for somebody else's crime
But how can love burn, if it's not returned?
I need more than this so
How can I give

(Chorus)
All of me
When all I get is half of you
Now tell me what am I supposed to do
If all I get is half of you
How can I give you

(Chorus)
All of me ; half of you
When all I get is half of you
Now tell me what am I supposed to do
If all I get is half of you
If all you give is half of you

SONGS THAT IVE BEEN LISTENING TO.

Varsity - All Of Me.<3
Varsity - Let Her Go.<3
Shayne Ward - No You Hang Up.
Taylor Swift - I'd Lie.<3
Taylor Swift - Tears On My Guitar.<3
Jonathan Rice - So Sweet.
The Junior Varsity - If It Hurts You.<3
Backstreet Boys - Lay Down Beside Me.
Backstreet Boys - Close My Eyes.
Backstreet Boys - Helpless When She Smiles.<33
Backstreet Boys - It's True. <33
Gabe Bondoc - Gentlemen Don't.
Amanda Kay - More Than Words Can Say.
Bridgette Angelique - Supermodel.<3
Claude Kelly - Did It For Love.<3
Kelly Rowland - Unity.<33
Kasey - Lonely Days.<3
Junior - Love Show .<3
Kasey - Before You Walk Out Of My Life.
Mario - Music For Love.<33
Qwote - Down On You.
Mauli B - I'll Follow You.
Paulo - Still Missing You. <33
KeKe Palmer - How Will I Know.<33
Casely - Heart In The Shade.
Divinci - Reason I Breathe. <333 ( i'm in love with this song )
Geela - When You Came Along.<333
E ft. Cherry - On Everything.
Kazual - Love Me or Hate Me.
QT - Believe In Me. <3
Rihanna - Take A Bow. <33
Bob Newt - He Turned It Around

you made me fall so you can see me hurt.

Wed, 16 Apr 2008 02:19:59 GMT

wow. it amazes me how insensitive you can be towards my feelings!! i keep trying to find something to smile about because you said it hurts you when you don't see me happy but do you know it kills me to see you hurt?! i finally see you smiling but when i ask you why you smile you claim it to be a front.. what other lies are you willing to tell me?! i've come to realize that you have given EVERYONE around you a chance but ME.. you say you "love" me but now i find that to be nothing but a meaningless lie..you are constantly going around telling girls you "love" them so it makes me no better then them.. you said you didn't want to hurt me but you don't even care to stop and think about my feelings before you ask me the question you did & yes i am very envious of her because she has your heart !! thats something you NEVER even given me the chance to even touch.. you told me not to fall but you went around and said all these things that just made me feel like maybe.. maybe something in this world is worth living for and then you made me care!! its sad to admit that i can't let you go but its all okay because i once told my friend that our friend who is a soldier in iraq is protecting us from any harm i am going to do the same and protect my heart from harm i'm going to be a soldier for my heart because i'm tried of letting people like you continuously hurt me!! its such ashame because i actually care about you. you keep hurting yourself and you keep making me cry you can't see all these tears that i shed because i rather let these tears be silent but i am only willing to keep my tears silent in an exchange for your happiness!! you can make that trade with me? can you try being happy? can you try finding yourself? can you stop hurting so i can let you go? you've opened my eyes to so much more then you yourself has come to realize but once you do you'll know why i fell for you why you're so amazing !! dont doubt your ability to make someone happy because i know you can .. i hope nothing but happiness for you i hope you find the one you can love that will love you, i hope you find the one who can protect you and shelter you, but if you dont find her come back to me ill protect you ill shelter you and ill love you. <333

              my heart keeps wanting you to stay
but i know it now we ain't going to work it out
              now all i wanna do is get over getting over you

                                     broken into so many pieces. </3

tonight..

Sat, 15 Dec 2007 01:04:00 GMT

i'm so fuckin' pissed. i hate having to put up a damn front for my fathers stupid family .. i only do so because it'll make him happy but fuck tonight was too much for me!!! my mom is so stupid she knows they talk shit about her and my fathers family has so much shit with my mom .. they've said so much and done so much to my mom i don't understand how my mom can just sit around smiling at them and talk to them as if nothing ever happened!! it makes me pissed .. i know my mom hurts on the inside that she has to act as if nothing happened so i don't know why she doesn't just stand up for herself and i'm not allowed to say anything unless something is brought up and i feel like thats bullshit .. they've hurt my mom way too fuckin' much and i can't stand it anymore she may look and act strong on the outside but i know shes tired and i know she wants to just relax .. it kills me cause i can't do much for her .. i may fight with my mother but i really do love her .. she means so much to me and if i see her hurt i hurt .. i love her for everything shes given me .. the debt i owe my mother i can never repay !! i HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE my fathers FAMiLY !!

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Tue, 11 Dec 2007 03:39:34 GMT

today was a good day .. although i had to see taht crap faced bitch :/ .. anywho. so after school i met up with johny richard and vivian .. and we walked to Columbia to pick up Vivians sister but we ended up waiting almost 2 hours because they wouldn't call their darn grand father..and oohh dear geebus it was cold .. :/.. it got so cold to the point were we all just went inside the cafe. to plant our asses there :) well richard went searching for food and got milk .. hes such a dork so then Vivian got a carton of i forgot .. but it was huge .. and than Richard goes back in to get bread .. ooh was the bread fun to play with :) .. it was so fun that i went back with Richard to get a whole bag .. lol .. after like the 3rd time Richard went back into the cafe. he took the BiRTHDAY cake that was in the frig. and put it into his backpack .. funny stuff .. so than we went back outside to where Johny was and just hung out a little longer but i really needed to study for chem. so Johny and I left a little bit sooner than Richard did to Jennys house .. and not to long after Richard showed up .. the cake that we sorta took without permission was hella good but that shit gave me a stomache right afterr .. ohh boo. ): .. richard tends to make me smile .. and its funny how he does it .. and Johny is easy to talk to although i can't always put my thoughts into words .. but he still tries to understand .. and Jenny well she makes me laugh in various ways .. ohh yeah stupid Richard .. he told me that cake wasn't a birthday cake .. :/ .. well whatevers .. it was yummy .<3 lol. today was a good way to start off my week i just hope my week gets better if not .. i just hope it doesn't get worse .. [: ..

fuck that bitch

Fri, 07 Dec 2007 22:06:33 GMT

you can fuckin' eat shit you little crap talker ... and i truly hope you're fuckin' reading this shit !!! you're so fuckin' full of shit i can't even believe the crap you would say .. if you can't / won't handle the fuckin' crap you're talking then you need to just shut the fuck up!! i swear on my damn life if it wasn't going to hurt my parents that i kicked your ass i would so give your jacked up face a few slaps here and there.... you are such an unappreciated bitch who needs to fuckin' open her damn eyes to realize all the crap she has in her hands and stop her fucking complaining!!! you hate yourself .. but what the hell have others done to you? for you to be such a low class whore..tellling everyone everything thats wrong with a person .. you have not fuckin' right to point your fingers at anyone!!! you're always talking about the different freakin' people you wanna fuck .. always talking about how you hate your damn life and your parents .. gah. i honestly think you're mentally sick in the damn head .. !!! like i said before .. if you're not going to handle your shit you need to shut the fuck up !!! i don't hate you i strongly dislike your ass .. you dont even have a mind of your own .. all you do is follow what you believe is "cool" protest? my ass you don't even believe in that shit .. since when did you ever become a veggie? like never!! so full of crap. find out who you are and not who others expect you to be!! you have absolutely no logic or reasoning.. for the things you do and sometimes there are things that people do without a reason, but the things you've done like protesting and wanting to start a club well that shit needs a reason but you can't find one other than what others believe!!

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Wed, 05 Dec 2007 22:39:35 GMT

well today i woke up with cramps .. and i had to get up early just to go to the stupid DMV with my poppa... it was okay i suppose cause i woke up early but that was no use cause i lag like crazy so i got up at like 7 and i left my house at 9 ish .. and there was so much traffic that my poppa just took the streets to the darn DMV and when we got there the line was so long it was lined up outside .. gah. i had to wait for like 40 minutes in line just so my poppa and i can be sent home .. and on the way home there was also traffic .. so we were stuck on the freeway for like and hour and when i got home it was about 11ish maybe almost 12 and i was about to go back to school but than i didn't want to go cause i didn't really want to see anyone .. so i just stayed home with my momma who left me so she can go to target and walmart .. GRR. so whatevers and stayed home and just slept all day so yay me cause i'm really tired !! well .. i don't know what else happened .. but whatever else happened it i don't wanna talk about it cause theres too much to talk about .. ohh yeah i almost forgot i got to talk to Albert today its sure been awhile .. well yeah

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Sun, 25 Nov 2007 05:28:40 GMT

wow. my family is so complicated. today i went to work and it was okay until i couldn't find a ride home because leo and josh were being big dicks .. especially josh!! to be honest .. Josh is a cool guy and all but his intentions are so fuckin' wrong it annoys the shit out of me! I don't know why he tries to get at me when he feels like it and when he doesn't he just gives me the cold fuckin' shoulders like he did today.. he just really pissed the fuck out of me!! anywho. so i finally called Albert to give me a ride home i honestly didn't want to resort to calling Albert because i was afraid that he would be busy but i had to because i had no ride home..so after albert drops me off i realized i'm locked out of my own house .. so i'm waiting and waiting and waiting for my brother Danny to come home to open the door for me but then he comes home with one of the pot head friends.. i fuckin' HATE that bastard .. anywho so i'm in the house and 20 minutes later my uncle comes home as..and right when my uncle walked in he thought that Albert was the one smoking but i said no because Albert left 20 minutes ago to go to work and he was like ohh okay who were those two guys outside and i said Danny and asked why and he said because they're smoking and i was so fuckin' mad !! i don't know why.. why is danny doing all this shit i mean my family loves him we give him what he needs and the things he wants .. i don't know where along the line my parents went wrong but i feel as if they're paying it all off now with my brothers and I. Things are getting harder and harder to understand i don't seem to see anything or hear anything anymore .. as of right now my life is so complicated that i don't even know who i really am!! at times i want to find out who i am but then again i just can careless who i am anymore..finding myself isn't even a factor anymore i feel as if theres no time in the world to do that right now.. so i'm pushing the real me aside as i figure some of the major problems in my life and hopefully along that line i'll discover more then i intended too! I've been sick lately and its an on and off thing .. and its not getting any better!! my throat is hurting everything i eat my body is not consuming it .. i just keep vomitting everything that is in my mouth even water is coming back out !! It hurts .. I want it to STOP but it WONT ! I hope i have a better day tomorrow or i shall say later on today!! GOODNIGHT