I have finally decided that it's time to write again. So much has happened since April last year that I don't know where to begin.......

Well, my father couldn't be at my graduation, however he did see all the photo's and had a copy of my diploma sent to him. He was sooooo proud of me. I'm glad that I finally was able to do that for him.

Dad's health got worse as the months went on. We had a big scare in August when he went into hospital as the doctors said that the time had come. All of the family ended up in Geelong and we spent hours by his bedside. I decided that work was going to take second place and stayed down there. Dad did come out of hospital and My hubby and I took him home. There he rallied again and defied the odds.

Dad and I had a talk before he went into hospital and he told me that he didn't want to die in a hospital or in palliative care, he wanted to stay at home.

That's when we organised palliative care at home. God thoses nurse are angels. I stayed there with him for about a month and they came in every day. Full of cheer, laughter and smiles.....they had a running joke with dad as he never liked to do as he was told. I knew that if I couldn't talk him into having the medication that he needed all I had to threaten him with was "I'll tell the nurse."

At this time dad was still only taking pain killers, low dose morphine and continued to refuse a morphine drip. He liked to know what was going on and told me that the day he was drugged up and couldn't get out of bed was the day that he would be leaving me.

After a time he came good for a while and I decided to go home to see my daughter and my hubby. He asked me to dive his new Jeep home and said that as he couldn,t drive it any more, I should as it  "no bloody good sitting out there in the driveway girl so off I went." By this time my sister had come down to take over for a while.

A couple of months later, early November, my sister had gone home and my mother was looking after dad, Mum rang me in tears telling me that his pain had got worse and the doctors were putting in a morphine drip.

I remember the day so clearly...it was a Friday, Craig and I packed up and left for Geelong at seven o'clock that night and drove through to Geelong arriving at 7am the next morning.

I went inside to see dad and it broke my heart seeing that bloody drip attached to him as I knew that the time had come. He was very drowsy and didn;t wake at all that day to talk to us.

The next morning, Sunday he was able to sit up in bed and eat a little breakfast, he was so pleased that Craig and I were there and talked to us about what we had been doing with our house. By mid afternoon all of the rest of the family arrived and in they traipsed to spend time with him too.

Monday morning dawned bright and cool. At 10am the nurses arrived to bathe dad and when they were finished they asked him if there was anything that he wanted. Well dad smiled and winked and said that a beer would be good ! No problem said the nurses. So off went Craig to the local and came back with a carton of beer.

Dad sat up in his bed and his two sons, his son in law and his grandsons sat around the bed, talked and laughed whilst dad sipped from his stubby. he didn't drink it all however, he tried his best.

I got to spend some time alone with him on Tuesday morning, I told him that if it was time for him to go that I was ok with that, even though it broke my heart to say it. I told him that I loved him and let him know that I would be alright. My dad was a man of few words and never showed his feelings very much but in the last year of his illness he never stopped telling me how much he loved me. It was then that I heard him say it for the very last time, "I love you too girl."

Later on that day he slipped into unconciousness and I sat for hours beside his bed. My elder sister sat with him through the night and on Wednesday morning the sun shone bright and warm, which doesn't happen too often in Geelong.

At 8am I noticed that his breathing was becoming slower and at 8.15am, he peacefully passed away with all of his family beside his bed. That's when I lost it, I cried and sobbed and begged him not to leave me, I couldn't believe that even though he was still warm he was gone...forever. That is a moment that a light in a part of my heart went out.

I sat in the room with him for a long time. At least while he was in the house he was still mine. When they came to take him away I became hysterical, begging Craig not to let them. Silly hey, but that's the way it was, even though he was gone, whilst he was there, he wasn't.

As I write this the tears are pouring down my face, you see it has been six months today and the pain of losing him is still so raw....... maybe when I'm feeling better I will write some more.

Today has been a rather busy one, mowing lawns, washing windows and my car.

Somehow in between all that I managed to speak with a very special friend. This friend has only been around for a short time however has made a profound impact on my life.

This soecial friend understands me and loves me for who I am. Even when I am alone, I am never really alone for my friend is always with me.

Life is never predictable, it is ever changing and rolls in peaks and troughs. Just when you think that your life is on a set road, you cross the intersection and on the other side it has all changed....my life has always been like that.

The only constant thing I have had in my life is my father and he is now losing his battle with cancer. I have known for some time that he will be leaving me and yet, I can never bring myself to accept the fact and get ready to say goodbye.

I tell him that I love him and see and speak to him as often as I can. You see he lives 1000km away.

As each visit passes I see that he is deteriorating before my eyes. He is a strong proud man and never lets on that he is in great pain. He constantly worries about me and always tells me to stay safe at work, be carefull and don't give the Inspector a hard time. My Inspector says that the only person I ever take any notice of is my father.....so I should stop giving him a hard time and listen to what he tells me.

I disappointed my father and broke his heart when I left home and got married at 17. He had all these hopes and dreams for me. Things such as year 12 graduation and university. Instead I had children and left school in year 10.

It wasn't until I turned 31 and my children were older that I realised a lifelong dream and headed off to the Police Academy. On my graduation day, my father was in town at 7.30am. The parade didn't start till 11am. He told my mother to hurry as he didn't want to miss it.

It wasn't until I marched off the parade ground and saw the tears in my dad's eyes that I realised I had finally made him proud.

I now have another graduation in may...a university graduation, to receive a diploma of policing. I just hope and pray that my father will be well enough to at least see the photo of me in a cap and gown. Then I will be proud, for achieving what Dad always said I could do.