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| I've been excellent lately. Things keep looking up, up, up. In short:
- Caroline, Jenna and I are going to have our own radio show
Fridays 2-4 on KXZY OSU College Radio starting in a week.
(http://kxzy.okstate.edu)
- I'm about to score a really incredible internship with minimal
effort on my part. What could be any better? I show up. I work hard. I
fill up half my resume with everything I do there. I look amazing.
- March 17-23 I will be in San Francisco with Alex, Caroline and
Aaron. Done deal. Absolutely no backing out. Plane ticket bought.
Plus... the first night I am there I get to see Bloc Party.
- I have fantastic friends who encourage me, help me, love me and make me feel great about myself.
- I have enough money to keep me worry-free until well into the summer.
- I'm starting to really understand French and I can form entire
sentences from memory. I even dream in French every so often. I don't
know why this makes me so excited, but it does.
I'm in a great place these days. I have a smile on my face.
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| Today is one of those days I'm feeling pretty low. Not all-time,
record-breaking low, just lower than usual low. It started a few days
ago when my mother made some pretty snide comments to me, but today
it's at its peak. I'm sure part of it is due to cabin fever, seeing as
I haven't been able to leave my house since I got here, and the rest is
of course my over-active memory upchucking every single hurtful,
avengeful, mean, terrible thing that has happend to me in the past
year.
I've been lied to, made fun of, taken advantage of,
and have had horrible things said about me to my face and behind my
back. I've had more panic attacks this past year then I've had in my
entire life. I've witnessed people I cared about fall apart completely
and not care enough to pick themselves back up. I met a person who
doesn't realize how disgusting their outlook on life really is. I've
seen first hand the type of people I never want to be and will never
be. And it does, even though I try so hard to not let it, chip away at
my confidence and my soul.
But when I really think about it,
I have things that I will never lose. I'm smart. Not unusually smart,
but smart enough for me to know better. And if I don't know, I can
learn and it won't take me forever.
I'm creative. Not stab
yourself in the heart (twice) or cut off your ear creative, but
creative enough to compete against the world's most creative people.
I can write. I don't know that I'll ever become a famous writer (or
even if I want to) but having my peers, my professors, and even
professional journalists tell me I have talent is enough for me.
I'm crafty. I can sew and crochet and make bracelets and build things.
And if I don't know how to do something I can pick it up really fast.
I'm clean and my things are clean and I will never be too embarrassed
to bring someone over to show them my place. You'd be surprised.
I'm really good with my money. My checkbook is perfectly balanced and I rarely spend my money on something I regret.
I have a kind heart and I'm a good friend. You may not think so if I've ever wronged you, but were you a perfect friend to me?
I apologize and forgive. I don't hold grudges. Maybe I did at one time, but I'm free of all resentment and I'm content.
I'm honest. If you catch me doing something wrong and call me out on
it, I will always fess up. Sometimes I make excuses for my actions, but
in the end I always except what I've done.
I'm a giver. I
won't ever suck you dry. I won't ever take your money or expect you to
pay. I'll do anything for the ones I love. I'm always there for my
friends and I'm SO THANKFUL to have friends that hold me when I'm sad
and always cheer me up.
I don't think I'm better than anyone,
because I know I have plenty of faults, but I do know that I have a lot
of good aspects as well. Take it or leave it. I don't care what the
naysayers think about me, because I know who loves me and they are all
that matter.
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| I was talking with Belinda on Saturday and we decided:
We wouldn't want to see anyone else's shit, so why would we want to talk about shit? Shit is shit. Either way... keep it away from me.
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| Wow. It took me about 5 minutes to figure out how to post. It's been a long while dear Xanga.
I was thinking about Courtney Brown saying she was going to bring Xanga back....
And then I started singing to myself "I'm bringing Xanga baaaackkkk...."
Just wow.
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