so... it's been a month and 2 days since my last post... i have had A LOT happen since then. most of you probably know what i am talking about... my life was getting really crappy for a while and i guess you can say i'm "back on my feet" now. i mean i started some medication called Lexapro (for depression) and i have a new therapist, i like him. i am getting along with my family much better now. um believe it or not i started talking to my mom again... it's been 3 years... wow she has shocked me. she has really become a better person, the one i grew up knowing until "everything" happened. i am very glad to see that she has almost gone back to being the same mom she used to be. she actually seems to care about me now, i guess it's nice. 

i went to rock the universe with my dear friend ryan yesterday. it was so cool! we went to this Q&A thing with audio a which was um cool lol im not a big fan...i bet brandi hates me though. haha. omg ryan got me hooked on shane and shane, their music is beautiful. i mean when i heard them it's like wow i was speechless, they are so amazing!!! david crowder band was so awesome! kutless rocked!!!!!! audio a has never been one of my favorites but they were good. i wish i could have seen casting crowns but they played at the same time as the david crowder band so oh well. this year was the best rock the universe for me . i mean it was my 3rd time going and every other time i have gone it was with a church. i think that if i would have gone with someone else i definitely wouldnt have had as much fun as i did with ryan. he's such an awesome guy. i can't wait till i live near him cause then we can hang out all the time. wow that's going to be so cool! my sister even likes him! she was like yea he seems like a great guy (she never likes any of my guy friends). omg that's so cool to hear coming from my sister! he is the only guy she lets me go anywhere with alone! i mean we were in orlando by ourselves all day and she was totally cool with it! i didnt call her once while i was gone and i was with him since like 12:15 or so!!! she didn't even tell me what time to come home!!!! i got home at 4am and she didn't care!!! i wish i had more friends like him!!! not because my sister likes him and lets me go places with him but because he is so cool! so different.... so much fun!!! i will never have another friend like ryan. man i love that guy! lol well that's really all i have to say for now.

yearn
shane and shane

acts 17:25-28, hebrews 12:28-29

holy design
this place in time
that i might seek and find my God
my God
Lord i want to yearn for you
i want to burn with passion
over You and only You
Lord i want to yearn
Your joy is mine
yet why am i fine
with all my singing and bringing grain
in light of Him
oh You give life and breath
thought Him You give all things
in Him we live and move
that's why i sing

lyke.. its alaynas hand!! she lovvves me : )

Omg I went to sleep at 6:30 this morning and woke up at 2:30 and had to leave here at 2:45! My friend Pam picked me up and we went to church and then the whole game day thing started! I didn't do any of them cause of my back but I am like the official photographer for our youth ministry...I have been since last December...so I was taking pictures! It was so hot today. I was sweating like a dog! Then Derek and someone else threw water on me...it felt soooooo good! lol! so then after all the games and stuff I helped set up dinner which was Moe's Southwestern Grill and subs...ooo we had a choice. Man it took forever! Then it was time for the movie night part of the day. It was Monty Python... what a dumb movie! sorry if you like it. So then after the movie got started and stuff me and a bunch of my friends sat in the back of the room and hung out and stuff...including Alex!!! tehe Well then Abby and I got bored so we decided to go look in the youth closet to see if there was anything we could entertain ourselves with. There are two big tubs of shirts from past mission trips and outreach events and stuff so we decided to get one down...the small/medium size one. So we found some cool Young Life *Windy Gap shirts from 2000 and we got two mediums out and put them on over our shirts! We only wore them for a little while and it was over our shirts so we decided we are going to wear them to the lake tomorrow! We're going on a boat and stuff! We are going to look waaaaay cool. *lol Well then after church me, Abby, Pam, and Ashley went to Maggie Moos to get ice cream. We saw Laine, Lauren, Nel, Derek, Mike, Steven, Nate, Terese, Vanessa, and hmm I think that's all... Then me, Pam, Abby, and Ashley left and Pam took Abby home and then me. When we got here it was like 9:10 so Pam was like can I come in for a while cause I don't have to be home till 9:45...she lives like not even 5 minutes from me. Of course I was like sure so she came in and we hung out for a little while and then she went home and well here I am.

Hooray!!!! Yet again another day of youth week tomorrow! A day on the lake!

*alexa*

Well many of you don't know him but I have this friend...Alex. Well Alex and I used to like eachother...one day I sorta let him know that nothing was ever going to happen between us...it would never work and that I was starting to not like him like that anymore. Alex is a very touchy person *towards everyone* and well since I knew he still liked me I was no longer comfortable with his VERY affectionate personality. So then I started avoiding him and if I wasn't avoiding him then I was just being very short and nasty with him. I thought maybe that would make him think ok well she's not the person I thought she was so i'll just back off. Did that happen? Nope it just made him become short and sort of nasty with me too which I guess I understand because I know I hurt him a lot. Well Alex and I went through a lot...liking eachother and nearly hating eachother. We haven't had a REAL conversation in a very long time. It was really killing me inside because I missed him...he was and still is a *great friend...you know one of those friends you know you are going to talk to till your dying day...those are the best aren't they?! For the longest time alex and I didn't talk...I wanted so badly to talk to him but everytime I did it just seemed like he didn't care or I just couldn't work up enough courage to talk to him, it didn't even seem worth it anymore. Well tonight at church when I saw him for the first time in over a month and he didn't even say hi or ask how i was since my surgery I knew it was time for things to change before I lost him for good. I just started crying and I felt like crap...I really thought our friendship had died and we were never going to talk again. Then later on while David *the youth pastor at my church* was giving his message it really really got to me...it was about tearing down those walls in your life...the ones keeping you from having an awesome relationship with God and all the other loved ones in your life...well I started crying and I talked to my friend ashley about how much I miss alex and how I just wish we could start over and have the same friendship we used to before "everything" and how I was so stupid and now I realize that I really need him in my life. I mean I can talk to him about absolutely anything, anytime! Even if it's 3 in the morning, I know he'll be there. So tonight when church was over I finally worked up enough courage to talk to him. I went up to him as I was still crying and we walked outside and we talked and I was crying and we were hugging.  I told him how much I have missed him and how I have been going through a really rough time and how I have really needed him lately but I knew that I couldn't just call him and act like everything was ok because I was having some problems. I told him about everything I've been feeling and everything I have been going through and all of the bad decisions I have made lately and I feel so much better. He's a good listener and a great talker backer *tehe. I mean don't get me wrong...I have a boyfriend...Alex is just an AWESOME friend! I am so glad that I finally talked to him! I am so relieved! The fact that he said he still loves me after all that happened between us meant so much! You have no idea! I just cried and poured my heart out to him and I think it really meant something to him which meant something to me. Oh man you have no idea how much better I feel. We are going to try this whole "friend" thing over...hopefully it works out a lot better this time.

Yay tomorrow is another exciting day at church....all week stuff is going on. it's youth week! woot woot!

*alexa*

well everyone like my new background? of course you do . me and abby were looking for new backgrounds this morning and i found this one. theres a deeper meaning to the background than just a pretty picture. its a sad, gloomy, depressing sky. {the way i like it.} but on the right corner theres a little bit of blue. meaning altho you may think everything is at the worst it possibly could be, there is always something brighter ahead. haha i kno we're dorks. its all good. by the way. have i ever told you all how totally cool abby is!?!? i love her to death!! she is one of the coolest people ever.

//Edit//: That was abby... I let her know my password and I told her I didn't care what she did but shh don't tell her I told you

...by the way... Jordan and I have been together for 2 months today! It's been rough but we made it!

*alexa*