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| wowzers. reminds me of bowzers, very very relevantOH GOSH! xanga, im back!
after how many years?! i feel this urge to blog!
let me tell you why and also explain my title. bowzers would refer to thee only, my only, helen meang! i have been wanting to get back to blogging for a while now, but never had a strong enough urge to really do it. the other day, i was reading this lovely long blog helen had posted and it really convicted me! lol. it reminded me how xanga kept me in touch with peoples lives. idk. im not really doing it for that. im doing it for me. church was just lovely today. i managed to make ashley go up to sunday school for a bit.. but shes no 5yr old dummy and eventually we landed back at service. sunday school was fun, i always enjoy steven ng's lessons, when he talks, idk, im captivated, i agree.. he does have the gift to teach! i'm thankful he teaches our sunday school class as often as he does and lets not leave out lisa, she does so much for the group. and her hard work does not go by unappreciated! love you lisa :] steven said something today in class about how "there's a time to be born" and "a time to die" and i immediately thought of harv, the same person im always reminded of when i think of death. and just how much i miss him. how he's always on the back of my mind altho i never talk about it. its not something i wana talk abt, jus something i like to keep to myself and ponder abt for myself in my mind. i miss him a lot. i wasn't ready for God to take him when He did, it was so unexpected. but it hit me.. when steven said.. "there's a time to die". it was his time, i just didn't want it to be. and every time i think abt him, i think abt how i wish he was still alive today. i miss him so much. life isnt the same without him. i wish he could have been at my sweet 16. or atleast knowing he was home, rather then not. even tho, that's silly, cus heaven totally beats home! but yeah. i miss how amazing our green grass looks every year and all the flowers he'd plant. not that mom doesn't do a good job, i appreciate her efforts.. its just not the same. i miss harvs green thumb, and his cooking.. esp'ly his bbq.. mm mm good. i miss him taking us all to the driving range and him+boys laughing at me cus i suck! but i'd still wana go anyway.. atleast try okay guys! i miss saturday night dinners.. when mom+dad would be out with the boys at hockey games and harv would take us out to dinner every saturday night, me, him and kev. sometimes nik! i'll never forget that time we went to franks, that was just the best, franks for no occasion! now thats my kind of occasion. how could you not love the man? i can still relive the bitter day you passed away. exactly how it happen. that thump i heard on the stairs, the most painful tears as i squeezed my eyes and covered my ears. the sight of police people in my kitchen all day. how i attempted to make tea and when they tried to talk to me.. i fled to my room cus i couldn't bare it. ohh the funeral was the worse. those were some of the strongest hugs and tears i've ever shared my entire life. two i remember really well, that hit me hardest, i believe were aunt katherine+aunt janet.. oh those just hurt but at the same time relieved me. i still remember how aunt kat said as she hugged me tight and into my ear.."you know he loved you right" and i just cried so hard and nodded. or when aunt janet came to hug me and said "rae wanted to be here but shes home with matt" its okay rae.. i know i know. for those two days, i felt like i lived in that chair in the front row of your funeral home room. or sitting in the lil powder, that one night after your service... i really lost it and someone needed to take me away to the room before the bathroom where i jus chilled out wtih dani&nik and jus talking and talking, abt idk what. but that meant the world to me.. thanks for dragging me out of such a tough scene. and jus hanging with me. the day of the funneral was was absolute worse. it was the final goodbye. i needed to be dragged out of that room and outside.. where someone (possibly a mok.. a mommy, aunt idk who) needed to help me put my arms thru my jacket as if i was five, then zipper me up.. cus they didnt want me to get sick (that deff sounds like a mok). idk what i would have done with you nik. im so thankful your mom let you skip school to come and be with me. and literally hold my hand the entire time, theres noone like my nikchei. or that evening when ben called me up and said "lets go to cheesecake factory, you need to get out". thanks ben.. that was fun, you+us girls. harv, you leaving was such a struggle. i miss ya so much. we all do. i miss our dinners most. when you'd talk to me+kev abt everything and anything and what was important in life. i couldnt look down that hallway for such a long time. i remember running and grabbing the picture frame i gave you one xmas, the golf frame, the picture of you+me when i was still an only child, i was sitting in your lap infronta the xmas tree. it continues to sit in my room. ill never forget what rae wrote in her xanga too.. something like " look at it this way... now harv&uncle danny can hang out together in heaven" something like that, it was absolutely touching. &continues to be. losing you was something i never saw coming, but it was planned all along. anyways, i really really miss you. always - your yogi.
i didnt really plan to go on and on abt harv for so long. i just never really talked out loud abt it publicly. i miss him, he was the greatest. who else would take their favorite niece (ok guys, despite the fact that i was his only neice) straight to the store to buy bread so i could feed the flamingos! that was fun he lived in FL and i was like 3 or 4! or let me drive a boat at that age.. until patrol came over and said that wasn't allowed. or picked me up or took me in when mom&dad yelled at me. or how you'd literally make me+the boys' christmas every year by spoiling the crap out of us cus youre the absolute best. yaknow i thought i was done talking abt ya. but mayeb not. or how you spoiled us all year long cus thats jus what ya did. i loved every minute of it :] i loved being your only niece, wasnt i just the daughter you never hadd but always wanted! i know harv, only for you !
anwayssss.. trying to move on. i cant. its so hard, he was the best uncle ever! altho i never called him uncle, cus thas jus how coobeans he was. i never used his full name either. what else. i can barely remember what else i wanted to talk about cus i got so caught up. oh yeah. i've NEVER been so behind with my school work.. idk whats gotten into me, my current place in time is the worse. i have two huge essays due, one tmrw, one tues. and the one due tmrw is my midterm and a huge part of my grade and ive barely begun. idk why ive been so SO behind in school. its been dragging tho. hopefully it'll get better with the weather. i really do needa really kick if and finish off this semester strong and i need to give my bad horrible habits the boot. my old asst. prinipals wife had twin boys recently! yay!! congrads to the monde family! and welcome into the world justin+brandon monde :] i cant wait to meet them at the christening! and see gabby again! its been so long. i soo miss the admins from hs, thats abt the only thing i miss and their adorable kids! ohgosh and i miss russell, will you come back to newyork already russell ! i miss graciee.. i miss babysitting her while she decied to be a mess. i should really probably get to work. i tend to get sleeply very VERY easily as most people know, esp'ly wendyso. im really disappointed abt spring break and not being able to go anywhere. this stinks. okay bye.
ps - emc if youre reading. no critique.. im jus getting back into the swing of things. idk if you enjoyed and yeah, sorry. but kinda not.
okay okay im back. . im so abt to pass out and i have so much work to do hahahaha.
someone really unexpected left me an im in reguard to my status and yeah.. it was jus hella good to hear from that person, like they cared enough to im me.. thanks!
: youre good enough today.
: screw him
: ofcourse you didnt just hear me say that
: (cute lil panda face)
.. thanks for believing in me. thanks again for leaving a few short, but touching msgs.
also.. oh gosh SO cute. today walking through soho with a cutiepatutie named jenna, shes 7, and she randomly asked me..
jenna: wheres poopiehead?
me: @work
jenna: oh. do you love poopiehead?
me: just a little bit, do you?
jenna: ... i guess, just a little bit.
soo unexpected. so cute. love her :]
im so proud of myself . shopping today in soho. everyone stuff except for me. wow. wowzers. i know it might sound crazy but if you know me.. its a HUGE deal.
ok for serious. peace outtt xanga!
kick me out&dont leme back in until i finish. oh how i wana sleep so bad right now. imagine :X
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| maybe the past is like an
anchor holding us back.
maybe you need to let go
of who we are,
to become who you will be. | | |
| hm.. ive been trying to update since Sunday, but i have so much work!
boy, school stinks, senior year.. feels like its down the drain already....
i already miss the vball girls.. too much for words. as i do my girls who are away,
i miss you guys too too much+thanksgivings too too far!
lifes been taking many, [sometimes it feels like too many] turns lately.
But I have complete trust in the Lord, He knows what Hes' doing
&everything will be just fine, just one step at a time.
but I've been meaning to ask.. "pray for me guys" I just really havent gotten around to asking anyone, but please+ty, keep me in your prayers.
I hope everyone else is doing just fan-tas-isticcccc!
wow, i really never update this. anyways, this my pre-dedication to RAE!
PICTURES SOON, RAE! AN ENTRY JUST FOR YOUUU, COMING SOON, to an xanga.. MY XANGA! near you =)
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| never regret anything that once made you smile. | | |
| Dan of Yan (9:55:27 PM): my offical stance is if you wear/use them all, you can buy it
i LOVE it. im offically following the wise words of dan yan.
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