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| Well, to you...I always said the wrong things. I always allowed my anger to get the better of me. When I tried in vain to make you happy, I inadvertently made myself miserable. None of this was intentional, but it made us both unhappy. I feel I have lost a good friend, but I want you to know that you haven't lost a friend. Someday, maybe you'll stop hating me.
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| If you thought I was going to be a failure...Or if you thought I was immature and didn't know what I was doing, or if you had no faith in me to begin with... well, I just wanted you to know that you were always wrong. Wait 'til you find out what I just did...
I think I'm going to leave you in suspense, just for the hell of it... 
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| I can't find an apartment.So I think I'm going to get more piercings, a tattoo, go to school for psychology and start doing Yoga again.
I am not Me anymore. I am Someone other than Me.
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| I'd like to think it was you.When my friend's ex died, he came to me when I was hanging out with
Jeff. The man's nickname had been Cookie, and right before our
eyes, the cookie jar moved across the flat, dry counter without any
provocation. I felt something in the air, like somebody breathing
on my neck, and knew that it had been Brian.
At the diner on Saturday night, after Ryan's funeral, I was feeling
very depressed. I told Jordan how much I wanted to disappear and
never tell anyone where I was going. I told him that I was
certain that Jon would be happy if I were to die. And then I
said, "I should be dead."
There was a half-full coffee pot on the table, and suddenly it
moved. I'm not kidding. The pot actually moved an inch or
so to the left and came to rest there. I stared at it with my
mouth hanging open and then asked Jordan if he had seen it. He
hadn't. But just as he asked me what I was talking about and I
told him, "The coffee pot just moved," it moved again. It moved
back to the spot it had been sitting in, as though someone had pushed
it back and forth. Jordan saw it the second time.
I wondered if the table was slanted, and then I wondered that if that
were true, why nothing else had moved. I wondered if it had been
the moisture under the pot that had done it, but there was only a thin
ring of wetness on the table surface. Jordan suggested an air
pocket inside the pot. But if that were true, why would it have
moved so smoothly to the right and to the left again? I pressed it
gently with my finger, but it took more pressure to move it than I
would have thought.
I'm not entirely sure what caused it. But I did
think Ryan was with us... and I can't help but wonder if he was trying
to send me a message, just as Brian had done with the cookie jar.
Either way, I took the hint.
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| June 12th.I can't believe he's gone. I had this wonderful dream that we were sitting together and he was showing me a photo album. It was filled with pictures of everyone who had loved him, all through his short life. The album was so thick and heavy that the pictures almost didn't fit. I wonder where he went? I wonder what it's like .... in the in-between. | | |
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