I saw God in so many ways today. So many, and that gives me such hope and peace. For example - He sent Judy to me today. I talked with Judy a good half hour today about my voice and my recital. I always leave her with this feeling that everything is going to be ok. It is so nice to talk to someone who really understands me and my voice, she understands my situation, etc. Plus, she is pretty much the sweetest lady ever. She really is like my second mom. She empathizes with my fears, my thoughts, my struggles, my growing voice which refuses to behave right now...I could go on forever.

Then I went to voice studio class and the wife of the conducting candidate was there today. As she was giving advice to the one singer, she talked about how important it is to make the experience meaningful to the audience. She said she saw recitals where singers messed up SO many things, but yet they performed the song so well. They were able to give the audience an artistic, emotional experience. They communicated with the audience so well that their screw-ups didn't matter. I wanted to jump up and say "Amen!" That is my goal as of right now. I want to sing this recital so badly. But if I wake up on Sunday and my voice wants to be a pain in the butt, I need to still go out there and act out my songs the way I would as if I were 100% healthy. My discomfort and anger needs to be hidden. I love my songs so much and I want my audience to get the same emotional experience out of them as I do. I hope that I am able to convey that on Sunday.

Then I went to choir where the conducting candidate rehearsed us. We sang the Mendelssohn piece which I LOVE. Then when we got to the part I really LOVE (Why are you cast down, O my soul? Why are you so restless within me? Hope in God! - so appropriate for right now!!!!) he said this beautiful thing about how we as young people should let go of our troubles. After all, we are so young - what do we have to be troubled about? Then I started thinking - Why am I troubled? This recital will mean nothing in 5 years. If I was the worst singer who ever lived (which I know I am not) everyone who loves me would still love me. God would still love me. At that moment, I felt so dumb for ever worrying about it. Will I still worry the rest of this week? Of course, but hopefully not quite as much!

"Praise to the Lord, who over all things so wondrously reigneth. Shieldeth thee gently from harm and when fainting sustaineth".

"Send out Thy light and send Thy truth, Let them now lead me unto Your holy mountain. Why are you cast down, O my soul? Why are you so restless within me? Hope thou in God! I again shall sing to God my praise, now and evermore."

I think my mom is so right. She told me today that she thinks this year so far has taught me a lot about patience. She also thinks it has helped me to grow a lot as a person. I had told her that I think God is testing me to find out my strength. He wants me, in my troubles, to turn to him and I need to remember to do that.

I feel so dumb even saying this because there are so many people who have WAY BIGGER problems than me. I mean, for goodness' sake, I have been blessed in so many ways I can't even fathom it all. But I have definitely been tried in a number of ways. Let's take my recital for example. I got a cold (no big deal) and I feel loads better now, but now my voice is dead. Seriously, it is messed up. I can barely make it through one song, let alone my entire recital program. Judy is even thinking about putting me on steroids for a couple of days, because she hopes that will cure whatever inflammation is irritating my vocal folds. It is just so frustrating because I feel better, and yet I sound icky. Anddddd my hearing is on Tuesday. You know what? Whatever. I know I am prepared. Everyone who knows me should know that I am prepared. People know what I can do, and more importantly, I know what I can do. Enough said. (I hope I heal by the recital though!)

In happier news, I feel like this year has helped me to determine what I want out of life - at least for the immediate future. I (FINALLY) came to the realization that I won't die if I don't do EVERYTHING. I quit band, I limited the number of voice students I would take, I am not doing clarinet lessons or clarinet ensemble. And you know what? It feels great. I need time to have a life. I need time to be happy and just be lazy. Sometimes I even watch tv on weeknights. I know - such a rebel. I have gotten over (mostly) the need to have everyone's approval. I really don't care either way if the faculty likes me or not or if they think I am a decent musician or not. I am who I am.

And do I finally know what I want out of love? I think so, which is pretty crazy. But I am learning lessons everyday. Not a day goes by when I don't learn something. It is weird feeling that I don't have to try anymore to be a person I am not. For so long, I felt as if I had been living life as two people - the real me and the girlfriend me. Now I am just one person. One whole person. Caleb can see me without make-up (gasp!) and I don't have a heart attack! (I just develop a minor twitch). I can be the real me all the time, and he loves me for it. Yes, I know that is unbelievable.    It is so calming and steadying to have him by my side all the time. I appreciate what he has done and continues to do for me, and I hope that he knows it. From now on I need to tell him more often.

"Praise to the Lord, who o'er all things so wondrously reigneth"

So, today in Councill's class she told us that over Thanksgiving we should start thinking about where we want to be placed for student teaching. STUDENT TEACHING. OH. MY. LORD. I feel so old. Anyway, the more I think about it, the more I want to do a mix of choral/general - the only thing is, I am reeeeeally worried about my piano skills. I am not amazing at the piano by any stretch of the imagination. Is it realistic to think that I will get a choral teaching job? I hope so. I need to make more of a committment to really improve my piano skills.

I will have two placements. I think I would like one to be at the elementary level, because I really think I like elementary better than middle. I would like the other to be at a high school, since I have had no high school experiences yet. I haven't taught in a high school setting at all, and I want to so I can learn if I will love it or hate it. The other question is where. For my elementary school placement, I would like to either be with the teacher at the Selinsgrove Intermediate School or with Liesl Doebler in Lewisburg. I don't think I would want to be a lot further out than that. For my high school placement, I would LOVE to be with Pat Wagner at Mifflinburg, but she can't take a student teacher next year. So for my high school placement, I am pretty much open to suggestions right now.

I really love teaching private voice lessons. When I really put my heart and soul into the lesson, I have found that it really becomes one of the best parts of my day. There is something about having a one-on-one relationship with a student and seeing them get better and better which is just so amazing...

I am really anxious for this semester to be over. It was, hands down, the worst I have had yet. The bad luck I have had this semester is ridiculous. Next semester should be good because I only have 19 credits, and two of those are for my recital.

I want my mom. I want to go sing in my church choir again. I want Thanksgiving dinner. I want to see Stu and Carol. I want to tell my brother that he's a punk. I want to watch movies with my family. I want to see Sweeney Todd. I want to go to Caleb's cabin. I want to be confident in my abilities. I want to be out on my own with a job and a family someday. I want to go to Paris and sit at a cafe and eat crepes. I want to go to Christkindlmarkt and buy things. Actually, I want to go to Sephora and buy a lot of things...  

And right now, I am tired and I want to go to bed. I will soon.

Every Thanksgiving, my family sits around the dining room table and before eating pumpkin pie, we each say one thing that we have been thankful for over the past year. Well this year I have a few things. I am thankful that my brother is relatively healthy again...thank God. I am thankful for my parents, who have sacrificed so much and who have worked so hard to send Kyle and me to college. And lastly, I am thankful for all my talents. I say all the time: "I hate my voice, I am the worst singer, I am so bad at the clarinet....etc." I should be thankful for what I have, because God has given me many things!! I may not be the best at some things, and that is OK! I keep remembering that quote from one of Councill's readings: "The forest would be very quiet if the only birds that sang were the ones who sang the best."

I am soooooooooo ready for fall break. In fact, I should probably be studying or doing something productive right now because of midterms coming up, but screw it. I am tired and grumpy and lonely! hhhhmph!

Being a junior in college has really made me realize how ready I am to get out of college and start my adult life. It's not that I don't love college, because most of the time I really do, but I am sick of schooling. Sick of studying 90 million hours for tests that I still only get a 74 on. Sick of feeling like I am constantly in competition with everyone and that I have to be the best. Sick of some of the faculty and students. Sick of taking classes that do not pertain to my interests or career at all (French, calc). I want to have a job, I want to be getting paid, I want to have my own apartment, etc. In the semi-near future I want to get married and have kids. I am just ready to be an adult.

Hmmm, I didn't want this to come across really grumpy, but I guess it did. I am just over-tired and over-stressed right now and I just need to get it all out of my system. My dad reminded me that I need to remember my faith at times like this, and he is so right. When I can't depend on anyone else, I can depend on God. He is always there.

"I will lift my eyes to the hills, knowing my help is coming from you"

I hope I can get out of this funk soon. It is no fun being sad.

P.S. So I realized that most of my entries consist of me whining...sorry everyone! I promise that the next one will be a happy one

So.....

Things haven't exactly been going my way this year in some areas....I can't believe what goes on here, both with the students and faculty. It has made me realize one thing though: NO ONE can make you feel inferior without your consent!

This is by far the most stressful year of college so far...tons of homework, being president of SAI (soooooooo much work), teaching lessons, a recital in Feb to prepare for, etc....it is just a lot. However, I do feel relatively calm about it all which is kind of weird. Usually I would absolutely freak out in these situations but I seem to be keeping pretty calm (for the most part). I think it is because of two things: my faith in God which gives me hope no matter what happens, and Caleb, who gives me all the love and support I need. Plus, I am rooming with Rach (finally!!) who keeps me sane and reminds me when I am being ridiculous and stupid....which happens a lot, lol.

I really hope this year starts to turn around though. Meh.

"I will lift my eyes to the hill, knowing my help is coming from You".