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| On Feeling BlueMy boyfriend often says he feels like I'm the younger one in our relationship, even though in physical years, it's the reverse. I see what he means: I naturally tend to adhere to a "cute" persona, and I admit to having a number of childlike impulses and habits. However, lately I've been doing a lot of reflecting on the ways in which I've matured (and haven't) between the beginning of my "adulthood" (say, 21ish) and now (at the end of my precious 20's...!). And while many of my ideals and core beliefs about life and people and the world have stayed the same, I feel like a totally different person from back then, mostly because of how my emotional behavior has changed. Coming to age at the end of the angsty Gen-X era had a definitive influence on me. I thought it was totally cool, totally "deep", to wallow in pain and depression, to write lame poems about it, and to feel like so many aspects of the world were in some way "against" me. I don't regret any of that (except maybe the poetry), but I do regret living in the shadow of my insecurities, and letting them shape my emotions about myself and others. Even now, I tend to feel embarrassed about my past self, and I haven't quite figured out how to embrace the "whole me," present and past, and future. There's a book by Masami Saionji called "Activating the Power of Love," which I only read because my boyfriend lent it to me. I'm not one who tends to read anything that emanates new age-ishness or self-helpness, because, I don't know, I figure half of it is stuff most people already know and half is abstract mystical bullshit. So anyway, I read this book (actually, it was originally part of Saionji's book "Vision for the 21st Century"). To give you the gist of what its main message is, here is how it opens: "Without exception, all human beings are born for the purpose of manifesting love. When we go to the root of life, ignoring all that is temporary or nonessential, what remains is love. Love is all there is--the only true, unchanging existence." The thing is, I already completely believed that, before opening the book. This belief, or rather, feeling about things, is I think the main thing responsible for the changes I've undergone in the last several years. Compared to when I lived in the U.S., I'm a more positive, and yes, sappier person. I appreciate the people around me to the extent that even small gestures of kindness move me. And I spend a lot more energy than before thinking of ways to show my appreciation to friends, family members, and even co-workers. Filling my life with this kind of positivity has made me a happier, and I feel, more enriched person. However, something about me that hasn't changed, except in intensity, is my tendency to fixate, whether it be on a particular, but random, desire (like wanting an ice cream-filled crepe, NOW), or whether it be on a negative emotion, like disappointment or loneliness or "annoyedness". This tendency to fixate is why I have so much trouble getting out of funks; once I'm upset about something, I stay in that cloud of negtativity for a while, and while I'm in it, I can't really focus on anything else. I realized recently that not only that, but when I'm upset or depressed, I rely almost entirely on external factors to bring me out of that mood. For example, rather than forcing myself to reshape my emotions or reason them out, I call a friend to cheer myself up (or feel less alone), or distract myself by going shopping, or reading a book, or sometimes, going somewhere far, like the beach, or the city (Kobe). This is why I so admire people, like my cousin and my boyfriend, who can release negative emotions just by "smoothing things out" internally. I hope my 30's will be when I finally develop the insight, or wisdom, or confidence, or whatever, to shape my happiness within myself. | | |
| I WISH IT WASN'T COLD  Or...that I was still in Okinawa. Ooh, I posted photos on Facebook last night. Have a look, if you like:
Okinawa Photos 1 | Okinawa Photos 2 Weird things about returning to my life:
(1) I still need to use a kerosene heater, and it's April.
(2) I can finally listen to music again on the train and in my car, cuz... I bought an iPod nano!! I can't get over how adorable it is.. only thing is, today it stopped playing songs I clicked on, so hopefully it's just an easy-to-fix bug, and not a defect.
(3) Now that it's spring, Japanese girls are wearing their mini-shorts with high heels, instead of with boots.
(4) My boss actually called me today, on a *Saturday*, when I was half-drunk from hanami, only to say "yoroshiku onegaishimasu" ("I hope for your kindness/cooperation") for the new school year, which starts Monday. I recall stumbling over my keigo (formal Japanese) and laughing a lot, and then being mortified by myself.
(5) Getting calls and emails from my former JHS students (I have a policy where I give my keitai info to students only after they graduate, and if they ask me for it). It feels weird I guess because they're still 15, yet I have difficulty acting according to the age difference since I tend to be friendly and casual regardless. So far, I've gotten calls from Masaki-kun, whom I gave my info to, and Yuya-kun, whom I didn't, and e-mails from Takeshi-kun, as well as second-hand requests for my info from two other students. It seems I have a fan club! (Not sure how to feel about that...) I've been re-reading a Banana Yoshimoto book ("N.P."). I'd forgotten how much I love her writing style. It's intense, yet simple and almost elegant. I should read more of her books. Tomorrow's the last day of spring break. Aaaaaaaahhhhh!! | | |
| How long is it going to take for the sadness to stop coming back?? When can I start loving someone else without looking back with this wistful longing? | | |
| MENTAL BLANKS Having this little to do at “work” is simultaneously so liberating and so perplexing. For whatever reason, despite the total lack of eventfulness in my life at the mo, my first impulse is to take the hours of free time to write. Something. A diary entry, a story, even a cheesy, god-awful poem that'll make me shudder later on. Where this desire comes from, I have no idea, because I always end up staring at my screen, my hands poised over the keyboard, my mind totally blank. I sit like that for many minutes at a time, so I can only imagine what my co-workers think. I need to get over this craving for creative output and do something more useful, like study Japanese, or run up and down the stairs outside the gym. The only websites I ever look at nowadays are The New York Times, The Stranger, and Margaret Cho's blog. I usually skim the first for interesting health/science/lifestyle articles and the second and third for laughs. I absolutely love Last Days, possibly even more than I love Savage Love. The mock drama and seriousness with which it reports on really weird, often fucked up events is so hilarious. I mean, how can reading about chopped off right feet washing up along a Canadian shore or the recent wave of public inanimate-object-humping in Britain NOT make you feel better about your life? I also love Margaret Cho. Her observations and writing style crack me up; but of course: She's a comedian. Reading her blog inspires me to want to be as hot and fabulous a faghag as her. Too bad there are no gay guys in my life right now. I miss faghagdom. The only consolation about living in Japan is that you can at least pretend that there are lots of gay guys around you. If they make you feel way less stylish than them, they're good fag-to-be-hagged prospects. Any recommendations for other good blogs/sites to check out? Particularly ones that won't be blocked out by my school's firewall? | | |
| A FEW THINGS I'VE BEEN UP TO...IN PHOTOS
Jan. to March 2008: Gaman-ing through much cold and lots of snow, new sleek slidey cellphone, Lunar New Year in Kobe, hitting up my favorite onsen in Sasayama (famous for wild boar, hence the giant inoshishi), a really *effing awesome person* making me yummy desserts, Hojo SHS's graduation (the last one I'll attend), hiking up to Kiyomizu-dera in Yashiro, enjoying Osaka with Uncle Herman and Aunt Martha, hanging out with Aki near the Kobe penis statue, seeing Whiplash live in concert!, KuroChu's graduation (today).   
  
  
  
  
It's been a good 2008 so far.
Until now...because...hay fever season's back! Ugh... =O=O=O=O=O=O=O=O=O=O=O=O=O=O=O=O=
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