Do you ever feel like something radical is about to happen to you? Or,
that it is happening at this moment but will go unrecognized for a
while? I do not normally watch for signs or signals. I just go along
day to day making the best decisions I know to make, doing my little
necessaries and every now and then enjoying a quiet moment. I sew or
cut and glue for pure joy and bliss. I write because I can and people
pay me for it which still is cause for wonder.
BUT
Lately,
my life is filled with coincidences...synchronicities that I am finding
it difficult to dismiss. They are extraordinary to me. They come to me
almost every time I am ready to give up on a bigger picture. Every time
I begin to think that this (you know...this) is all there is, something
happens that makes me think that it just can't be. Something happens to
make me feel that life is orchestrated, not just random.
I'm
not sure what to do with it. You've probably noticed that I haven't
told you what the things were that happened. I think I'm afraid the
magic will be gone if I voice them. For now, I'll keep them safe inside
me but I desperately wanted to share that they're happening.
My
heart feels like it is opening up and just as fast as I recognize and
acknowledge that feeling, my mind rushes in to shut it down and protect
it. A lifetime of hiding the real me. The me that is emotional and
girly inside but determined not to show it on the outside. Still, I
cannot deny that I am feeling emotional...in a very happy, loving, huge
way.
Things are happening inside my heart and out in this big
world things are happening that jive with it. So, what IS that? Is it
real? Is it wishful thinking?
I don't know. The things that
are happening seem to happen when I do something I feel absolutely
compelled to do...as if someone had my arm and lead me while I just
sort of went along. Like, for instance, going to the women's
retreat..if you've known me anytime at all, you know what a really
weird thing that is for me to volunteer to do. It was life changing for
me. I haven't yet figured out how to make it an outward change exactly
but it changed me inside. Maybe that's enough. Maybe I need to stop
thinking that I'm supposed to DO something big with everything God
gives me. Maybe my "calling" is to stop grinding my teeth everytime
someone tries to talk to me in the middle of writing, which makes them
feel bad. (but doesn't stop them, i might add) Maybe I'm thinking big
when I'm just supposed to make iced tea for Tim's mom without her
asking for it. Maybe I should....she is my biggest challenge. She is so
needy, emotionally. If she doesn't get it from you freely, she gets it
through guilt. She's passive aggressive and she knows how to work it.
See? I feel guilty just typing that, yet I held back so much! I don't
want my calling to have anything to do with her. I'm tired of being
told to serve when I feel that's all I do all day, every day. Even when
I'm creating something, I am on edge waiting for her to ask for the
next thing (she is down the hall in her bed). I'm tired. I'm tired of
serving. Please, someone, tell me that serving is not my calling...at
least not serving her. I tell myself I'm serving Tim by caring for his
mother and his son..but it's HER that I have to walk to the bathroom
several times a day and it's HIM that I have to drive around. It's them
I'm serving. It's not God. It's not Tim. It's these two people who make
me want to scream that I am serving. It's so ironic and yet, there it
is.
Well, maybe it's all a big joke...or maybe I'm being taught
something that will help me serve in a bigger way later....or maybe I'm
rationalizing away the part of my life I can't stand?
Gee, this
started out so warm and fuzzy and positive and now here I am whining.
You've just witnessed the cycle I go through several times a day.
However, I didn't mean to go through it during this post. This is about
the time one of those synchronistic (is that a word?) things happen
that make the cycle start all over again.
Oh well...this is me
and real, for better or worse by blogging friends..so I'm not going to
delete. I'm just going to hit publish and trust.