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| I unfortunately came down with something my third day at college (the term "J&H-ing" as it pertains to the notoriously sketchy dining hall has rang horribly true for me) so instead of joining Kacy and Nora at Roxy Nightclub (because I just love the feeling of jean-covered semi-erect dicks grinding on my thankfully badonk-less booty), I'm back in the dorm, clutching my midsection and drinking mint tea because it's supposed to help.
I like it here. It's dirty, there are cockroaches and povery to my left, right, front, and back, but it's at least realistic. I hate seeing it all, I hate being on edge when walking by myself (happens frequently), knowing that i could have ambled around the Millersvilles and Penn States of the country at 3:00 A.M. with half the concern but chose a place where that's just not possible. But I think it's worth it to acquire a deeper understanding of a setting like this, rather than live only knowing how to navigate idyllic white suburbia and predominantly upper-middle-class college campuses.
I got lucky with my roommate, who is possibly the sweetest person I've ever met. And who is yet unperturbed by incessant cursing, taking of the Lord's name in vain, sexual references, and crude humor, all of which I couldn't help but indulge in even if my life were on the line about it. For all that I bitch and moan about my lack of luck, when it comes to the more important events, I've had some wins. Doesn't mean I'll stop complaining though, because then what would I talk about?
I guess to sum it up for now, this dorming experience feels like a long sleepover, with me having been a kid who was never allowed to attend them. I've never spent this much time being around people non-stop in my life. I won't trample all over the idea of it just yet or anything though.
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| Goodbye country, goodbye house.
I'm leaving for Quebec City in an hour, and when I come back it'll be to a different house. I think it's a strange but good way to do it.
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| God, in his wisdom, made the fly, and then forgot to tell us why - Ogden Nash"I'd rather be
a whore
than a
executive
(they'd pay me to
spank them and make them
cry)."
"Phone Sex":
you've made me
check my phone five
times in
five minutes
to make sure there's still
reception.
"The best/worst excuse for a divorce"
i'm sorry but this just won't work
i like wheat and you like white, you jerk.
RED IS THE PRESENCE OF THE ABSENCE OF GREEN
(it's the presence of the absence which constructs a whole).
"We all stayed under some kind of terrace for a while, smoking and feeling vaguely comfortable together. A girl came and asked Nina for a cigarette. She didn't introduce herself. I don't think it's right to take a cigarette from someone and not say who you are. I also don't think it's right to give someone a stick of pure carcinogens and not say who you are. Nina introduced herself. She smokes regular camel lights.
Apparently goodbyes are out of fashion because there were't any; they left and so did we. We piled into Dave's Amen Mobile, I sat in the front, like I always do. I'm not sure when that started, or why. It doesn't matter, because Dave lets me adjust the volume whenever I want. Somewhere along the line the two of them had collected pastel balloons, a whole flock of them, that reflected the lights and rain droplets off of the window. When I was little I always made sure to hold my balloons in my lap even though it made me staticky, because my mom said we would get in a car accident if they blocked her vision. We let them go wherever they wanted. None of us got staticky hair...
We pulled into the Giant parking lot. There were a lot of empty carts scattered around, probably because whoever should have been collecting them to prevent hapless drivers from collisions was off in the freezers smoking pot. The Giant freezers are just that - giant. But more on that later.
Originally we just wanted apple gum and matchboxes but we would up with diet pills (mine), Camels, and a sense of accomplishment, having wandered from the frozen food isle to the diapers in order to procure said items. We asked the seafood department if they knew Chris Larue (they didn't) but we found him restocking milk. He needs a haircut, I never thought I'd say that but here I am. I always envisioned him doing something involving milk while working there, it's a peculiarity of life that I was right. We followed him back to the Giant freezers, the doors leading back probably would have felt more at place in a castle or a particularly well-designed Hot Topic. They were red and black. The bathroom in the back had handwashing instructions that I didn't follow, and the seat had been left up. I think there should have been instructions about that, too.
We paid (after Dave's I.D. having been heavily scrutinized) and left - my original dramatic goodbye turned out to have been futile because Chris took a cigarette break outside to talk to me. He was leaning against packages of mulch and picking nervously at the plastic wrappings - I told him it was all going to fall down on him and he said to call him tomorrow at three thirty. I have work at three thirty tomorrow I said, how about after? By the way there's an umbrella there if you need it. I left. Hopefully because it was still mostly outside the umbrella wasn't bad luck."
winter 2004-2005
"We write, we smoke, we look sullen on command, and why the hell not?"-Nina
"Air Conditioning"
open the freezer door and
shove as much of
myself as possible
between the ice cream
and frozen peas.
"Let me tell you about Pat Ely. He clicks his teeth and it really bothers me because it's kind of uncomfortable, though not annoying. I don't know why he does it. I should wait until I know him better to ask him to stop, but I probably won't due to impatience."
"Mike came over today to buy weed ( a dime) and I looked like shit. haha, I blacked out 2 times and fainted while climbing on the stairs. I looked so pale, not kidding, I was the color of this paper.
I didn't tell you 'cause I thought you'd get mad, but I did a line of coke too. a small line "-not me
"Four Leaf Clover"
a four-leaf clover is a freak of nature
(albiet a lucky one.)
"i hate it
when no one
will let me go
to sleep
and I am awoken from
a peaceful doze by
"IT'S TIME TO GET UP THE SUN IS SHINING IT'S BEAUTIFUL OUT!"
i hate that."
"A Tripps Haiku"
an angel with a
glossy wooden mandolin
and mismatched pupils.
"Oh christ, and to make
everything worse,
the stupid sun
pervaded everything today.
like when you walk
outside, your eyes moist and
pink-puffy like a newborn
kitten,
the shock of morning (but
not twilight)
in your face
is enough to make you
turn the hell back around."
"Earth is one big turntable! And the scratches are sound. And wood is the bongos you feel. The winds through the forests are Winds, the water the Brass, and the polar cores, the sad, sad, Strings."
"If it wasn't this, it'd be something else."
Writings from 2004-early 2006. I won't pretend that most of this makes much sense. It's not up because it's good writing, either. It was worth transcribing from paper to here because I don't want to lose the solid memories of this time that I have, and as of late this website has been quite private.
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| So my great-aunt died. Goodbye to one of the ever-dwindling number of people I genuinely respected and want to be like. She was fantastic, at eighty-six years old she was sharp as a pin, didn't lose a whit of wit to age.
They took her off of life support today, she died a little later, and the funeral is on Saturday. I may just go to the wake on Friday. I'm dreading the funeral of course because it's a funeral, but also because I disagree with the ways in which death is portrayed and "celebrated" in our society. I say "celebrated" because I can't think of another term, but I feel like the true connotation of the word celebration is how it should be dealt with. She didn't die painfully or prematurely or after a terrible life, in fact all of the opposites. So why mourn? Who can ask for anything better? Unfortunately I can think that all I want but when I get to a church full of hundreds of weeping family members and friends, it'll be hard to keep that in mind.
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| Apparently night is no longer sleep-time, but rather "stay up for hours upon end looking at trashy websites and mentally making fun of other people while stalking their facebooks"-time.
My body's already breaking down and i'm not even twenty yet, not even a quarter of the way through my expected life span. How will I last?! This is probably because, as I've taken consistent note of recently, I fling my limbs around irresponsibly, as if they're inanimate objects not actually attached to the rest of my body. Somehow, time after time, I don't judge distance or force or depth correctly and crunch my hand or elbow or etc. into a nearby hard surface. Today I smashed my forearm into a wall (I really thought I bruised the bone) ran a cart full of meats over my own foot, and bumped my hip-nerve on the edge of a table. Oh, and skimmed off the top layer of skin on my right ring finger while paring potatoes. Countless times I've waved my hands around conversationally and the padding-free, bony back of one of them has hit something nearby and wound up bruised. I believe the proper term here is "accident prone", or perhaps just "ungraceful". Either way, I actually caused myself enough harm to have to do something about it; i guess I really did fuck up something in my leg from a combination of worn-out running shoes and pounding the hard pavement because now I can only use an elliptical without pain, though I prefer that anyway. I joined Planet Fitness, i mean, it's cheap and I already know where everything is. And when it's cleaned. And how to clean it. Seeing as I worked there. The indignity of actually paying for a membership sort of sucks, but it's better than the indignity of a muffin top.
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