Today SLU actually closed the university. This means that my renal exam is canceled. That means I get a few more days to study...which I really need since I've been in bed for the last 3-4 days. Today, I also read a very sad email. I just found out (much later than the occurrence) that one of my former chemistry students, Jayson, died of leukemia this month. The hardest part for me is grasping the fact that such a wonderful person is gone. Seriously, he was one of my favorite students because he ALWAYS smiled. He had a great smile...and he always beat me to the question "how are you?" I remember that he had lots of questions, but never were they unwarranted. And I loved answering his questions because he was so attentive. Calm, collected, polite, and focused....Jayson was always a ray of sunshine in the lab and in my office hours. He never complained about anything and he was always happy. Of the hundreds of students I have taught, he seriously has popped up in my head many times...causing me to wonder how he's doing and what he's been up to. No way can I forget Jayson. He made my teaching days enjoyable. You'll be missed Jayson.

A friend told me to write more. It's been a while so I guess I will. Now where do I begin? Two weeks ago I finished my first year of medical school. Boy was it difficult! What made it so difficult? The endless hours of studying in my room? The inconsistent teaching abilities of my professors? The complicated subjects? None of these actually bothered me as much as the dissipation of my previous lifestyle. I didn't see as many people as I did at SLU undergrad. I didn't have hundreds of opportunities to see new faces, hear new stories, and learn new things in the best way possible - personal experience. Rather, I had to see the same faces everyday - and they were few - and then return to my lonely bedroom. Not that I didn't like the same faces - on the contrary, I loved the people I saw regularly - but with such a monotonous life, I became ADHD, bitter, and short-tempered. Every little thing bothered me and I couldn't do anything about it because I felt I had to study. When school ended last Friday, I didn't know what to do with myself. My "friends" from undergrad had moved on with their lives...and mine seemed to be where it was when I first started medical school. I had a difficult time finding someone to hang out with and I became depressed -- so easily upset. Even worse, the depression led me right back to grieving the loss of my brother, now three and a half years ago. I can't believe how time flew. I went on to graduate undergrad and entered medical school, which I thought were impossible 3 months after he died. Truthfully though, I still do only think ahead by the week (which is an improvement from living day by day) but it's hard for me to ever imagine myself living till i'm 60. I always feel that if my brother didn't have the chance to do so, what right do I?

So my xanga writing begins for the summer....

My sadder thoughts always comes out on this thingy. Oh well, if you care to read then that's fine. On a brighter note, literally, my bedroom is wacky fun now! It's more colorful than a rocket pop! My walls are painted, my bed is made. I just need to work on my picture collages that I'll put up on the walls. Sad thing is that I'm in Kansas City for the summer, so I really can't work on the room until I return for sure in August. That's just part of my summer plans. I have more. I've already begun to watch my animes...the list starts at Bleach, Getbackers,...I've finished Ai Yori Aoshi (now on the sequel) and REC. I still have to finish Fruits Basket and start the ones my friends have suggested. HA I'm so excited! There are other things to do, but my volunteering job has started and it looks to be lots of fun, and my dog should be slowly getting into shape (but i think she's hating me for making her run). I'm also re-reading the Harry Potter series in preparation for the book and movie. Speak of movies -- the list of movies watched so far: Salaam Namaste, How to lose a guy in 10 days, Pirates 3, Spiderman,... :)

Miss my friends in St. Louis, glad to see my friends in KC, torn between the cities.

This weekend so far I have decided to make a personal change. Some of my very good friends came into town, and I couldn't believe how much I missed them. It's been a hard reality remaining in a town I'm so familiar with, yet not doing the things I loved to do and used to do. I'm an introvert, but I love my heart to heart talks with my good friends. Not getting to have those talks and instead just swamping myself with studying made me lose track of where I wanted to go with my life. With all that in mind, I will work hard at making some changes. I guess you can call these my new year resolutions (they are in time for the Lunar New Year).

For a long time, the difficulty of medical school and the focus I put on studying and doing well made me into a bitter soul. I was not enjoying what I was doing each day, and as a result I pulled myself into my easily introverted lifestyle. Most people don't know that I know and have the friends I do is due to a conscious choice...it takes effort.  My easiest path, where I am still content, is to stay in my bedroom for the whole day and only emerging when I need to eat and use the restroom. However, I recognize that I'm missing so much if I continue to do that everyday. That's what I lost since medical school started. I forget that there's a lot out there and I shouldn't run away from it. My life used to be so hectic, meetings and work and class and study all the time, letting me sleep only a few hours each day before medical school...but I was happy. Now, all I have is class and study...I guess people say I'm doing well in school...but I'm not happy. So now I resolve to make a change to fill my day with more useful things for me, and to manage my study time better. I hope to rebuild my piano playing, to see my friends from SLU undergrad more, and to remember that to be a complete doctor, I should know how to take care of myself first. (Truthfully, I've been good about that...not getting sick, sleeping enough, but not the psychological part...kinda lacking.)

Attending the International Banquet yesterday and seeing some of my old friends reminded me to enjoy life and be grateful. I get to be a doctor...something some people wish they had the ability to do but can't, and I get to. I have experienced a devastating loss, but have not lost sight of the light. I have the capability to help others see the light in their lives. What right do I have to throw away what gifts were given me? I feel rejuvenated...

Thank you, Katie-Trini-and all my lovely friends from ISF. You guys don't know how much you touched me yesterday night...you all are beautiful souls.