Day one coming up.

Tommorow I get to start college. I know it is only community college, but atleast it is something. There is no way I am going to fall asleep very easy tonight. Its not I am over excited and I cannot sleep, this always happens when I have to wake up earlier. I couldn't sleep either because I had the desire to clean my whole room, but I only made it to the night table. I feel as if I need to throw a lot away and clean out this room. By cleaning the room out, it might clear my head and let me work for once. I feel the need to be organized and have a place for everything. I get the urge to move out but not for the reason to get away from my mother, even though that would be the number one reason, no but so I can start over. Have a clean canvas. I need to start out blank so I know how to fill it right. I need to start drawing and painting, all sorts of things I have not done in a very long time. I hardly feel like making magazine collages every now and then to be my great art.

I know my mom loves me, too much sometimes, but I wish she knew when a person wanted to be left alone. I guess I do not hate her as much as I think, but she really does not know how to talk to a person. She does do a lot, and helps me out with money, but then there are those times where she becomes a totally different person.

People do not learn. You can witness something so horrible and unbelievable that it is suppose to make you change your life, but in the end makes it ten times worst. You ask yourself how this could happen? When did it get this bad? I cannot even answer any of those questions. People will say it is the town. Well there is nothing else to do around here, why not? Whats the reason not to? The people that are still here, thats the answer you crave. So much lately have I wished for a terrible fate, but I have hope that my future will be good. How can I know what will happen, if I do not even try to see it. I need to be strong, stronger than them. All of them. Not to prove anything to them but to myself that I can be more than what anyone else thinks. I do not want to give up, to take the easy way out. Life sucks, I am very much aware but there has to be something in my future to prove that it is all worth it in the end. I think peoples lives fail them because they give up. They give up on anything that could be good. To spend each day, one after another, as if it is the same is a shame. I want to finish school and start a life I guess I can control more. I do not feel like I can control anything right now.