Madam Kiu was admitted to the hospital because of serious SOB (氣喘) and ankle edema.  She has COAD (肺氣腫) for more than ten years.  She is a widow and lived alone.  Her husband died fifteen years ago and her eldest son died seven years ago.  Madam Kiu still misses her son very much and whenever she talked about her son, she wept.   The second son is married and has two sons and one daughter.

     When I saw Madam Kiu, she was breathing with great difficulty so I thought it was not suitable for her to talk.  However, she was very eager to talk.

     She complained that she did not even have "one day good".  She thought she was very unlucky and no one was worse than her (無人有我咁衰).  She had a very bad destiny (命好苦).  She had a very low self-esteem of herself (覺得很自卑).

     Madam Kiu continued, "I have a very hard life.  I got married at the age of eighteen but my husband did not work.  Therefore I had to work and earned for the living of the whole family.”  She took a deep breath and then went on, “When I was thirty years old, I got a job in the school but at the same time, I also had spinal pain.  Doctor suggested that I better had surgery but I refused.”

     She was breathing so abruptly that I tried to advise her to rest for a while but she did not seem to hear and kept on talking.  She told me she was afraid that if she did the surgery, there might be the risk that she might not be able to work any more.  In order to continue the work, she endured the pain and just took medication. 

     She was thankful to the doctor who had given her "good pain killer medication" which was not harmful to her stomach.  She worked in the school until she retired at the age of sixty.  Unfortunately, she got COAD after her retirement.  Her SOB (氣喘) made her feel very comfortable and she was in and out the hospital many times.  She grumbled why she had to suffer all these. 

     I could only look at this great mother with admiration while she began to take her breath slowly.

     She was sad and angry that she had so many misfortunes …. but after pouring out all her grievances, she appeared to be less emotional …..

     Her story has not ended.  What really killed her was the death of her first son seven years ago ……©

….. to be continued.

     That night, I was woken up by a tremendous crash of thunder.  It must be tremendous otherwise I could not be disturbed.  In my sleepiness, I could hear the beats of heavy rain and I thought of getting up and closing the window a bit but I fell to slumber again.

     Next morning, it was drizzling.

These drops of water caught my sight as they were sparkling.

     I was somehow fascinated and I could not help stealing a few shots :).  Plants thrive on water.  I supposed they were happy to be moistened and cleansed.  They looked so fresh.  Simultaneously, another idea dawned.  Plants also crave for the caress of sunlight.  Both are essential.

     I think I miss the sunlight!

Winnie was forty years old.  She divorced a year ago and had a daughter at the age of fourteen.  She was diagnosed to have CA Colon and the doctor had just told her the diagnosis and suggested that she better had the surgery as soon as possible.

I found Winnie sitting on her bed with an awkward position.  She told me she had back pain, her two legs were swollen ……. she felt very uncomfortable.  She then began complaining all her bad experiences in the out-patient clinic.

“I heard that the doctor had just told you about the result.  How do you feel?” I interrupted.  “What worries me most is my daughter.  I don’t mind to die early and quickly.  My father had also died of cancer.  My mother died after she had the surgery.  She was never discharged,” said Winnie calmly.

I was surprised that Winnie appeared so cool.  “I am sorry to hear you have had all these bad experiences.  But do you have any idea what you will do with your illness?” I inquired.  “I have cried a lot already!  Now I don’t have any tears.  Perhaps I will consult the Chinese doctor and take Chinese medicine.  I don’t want to take the risk and I don’t want to suffer.  I’ll not undergo the surgery,” Winnie said firmly.

“Does your mother’s death still influence you?” I asked.  “I am not sure.  I just don’t want to suffer any more,” Winnie replied.

Somehow, I had that sense of bad omen so I asked, “Have you ever thought of doing stupid things?”  Winnie looked at me, and then she said, “Yes, I had thought of it but it was some time ago, not now.”  She looked away in deep thinking.

She than told me her stories.  She had lots of painful experiences and in facing her disease, she did not seem to have the strength to carry on. 

As her daughter was her prime concern, I though it might be the source for her to move on.  And we were talking about her daughter ……….

At the end, Winnie still did not want to have the surgery but things were arranged between her and her daughter and tangible supports were offered.

Past life experiences somehow conditioned her and affected her attitudes in handling present life situations ……©

(Sometimes, I said so and so made me angry, made me sad, made me mad.  Why was so and so so powerful?  Who can decide my emotions?  Am I not responsible for my own emotions and for my own life?)

***Next week, I'll begin a part-time course which will demand all my free time and some of my sleeping time (my anticipation :) so I might not be posting for some time .... hope it'll not be long :)***