A new beginning...

Ok I have tried the Lighterlife diet for a week and lost 11lbs (it works!!!) and I've set a start date for my new weight loss program (going away with my partner for a few days and he doesn't like it when I don't eat) so when we come back I've got all the stuff ready and I can't wait! Wish I could start now. Not eating much at the mo anyway (water, celery, a boiled egg) as I want to "prepare".

The only downside with LL was getting light-headed but I felt so good and it was a very hot week here so I don't think I drank enough water. It was weird though - I didn't crave food at all. I even cooked for other people and didn't feel hungry.

So when I get back from our trip I shall write on here (daily if I get time, even if its just to post a weight update). Bought a new set of scales so I'll know they are working properly. My CW is 125 lbs (very heavy) and I don't look good. My 1st GW is 110 lbs. Then I shall set a new one! In the meantime I'm getting plenty of exercise with the horses so I'm really excited about this new beginning. It feels like its the right time to do it. Don't know why it just feels like it should happen now.

Fragile

Why is it that you trust people and then they let you down? I hate feeling vulnerable - I hate letting my guard down and being hurt, but I can't seem to help it. Yes I have a new boyfriend (well, not officially, but we ant let his ex girlfriend know cos otheriwse i'd be sent death threats... you get the picture...) So he says he loves me. But h won't tell his ex that he's with me (cos it would rock the boat) so I (quite justifiabl, i my opiion) say that he cant love me as much as he says he does, because he puts his ex first - i.e. rsther than upset her. he'd rather prentend that I don't exist. Which to me says "You're not as important as she is". please everyone, correct meif I'm wrong, but what do you think?! So when he says "I know I love you" I say "Well you only think you do, because surely otherwise you wouldn't let your ex refer to me in that way". Also, she has been saying things to his son (i.e. poisoning him against me) so he doesnt like me. Its his choice who he calls mum at the end of the day, but the childish part of me wants to say "Fuck you - you've made thngs hard, you've tried forcing a wedge between me and him, so face up to reality - we're together - deal with it". But my boyfriend won't tell her that. So what do I think? is he protecting me or her? I find it so hard to trust men. they have all lied, cheated and hurt me. I know he's different, but in that case why isn't he standing up for me? Is he still in love with her? does he want me off the scne so she can get back with him? (Which she won't do for sure if I'm here). What do I do? Help, please...

I'm missing my cat like crazy. What right did I have to put him down? Who am I to decide his life wasn't worht living? Was he really in pain? I miss him so so much. My heart feels like its breaking into a million pieces and I can't get him back to put it together again.

Everyone is ashamed of m. Everyone wants to hide me away. To lock me up; tp pretend I don't exist. I'm not worthy of life. I don't deserve to be recognised as another human being. Whatever I am, it's something disgusting Something nobody wants to be associated with. I'm nothing, nobody. At leats if I was thin I could live with myself. I deserve to suffer.

Christmas = eating = putting on weight. Not good. Though I haven't felt much like eating for the past few days anyway. The man I'm in love with might have cancer in his lung and we don't find out the results for that til after Christmas. His breathing isn't too good either and I don't know what to do. How do you heal that?

Onto more cheerful matters (not!) he went round to see his ex earlier today (he'd given her some cash for a christmas present) but he doesn't spell very well at all so he'd asked me to write the envelope with her name on it. Anyway he went round to give it to her and she threw it back in his face just cos I'd written the envelope. She obviously thinks that we've been having an affair and that's why they split up, but that's not true. Just because she's upset that thing didn't work out for them - that she couldn't hold on to him, that he didn't love her. That's her problem, not mine. and she gave him a bag of presents for everyone else to go under the tree and for some weird reason, don't ask me why, but I feel like the tree has been tainted in some way now. When it was just our presents under there, from our family, it was fine, but now her presents are there too to the others here and it makes my skin crawl. Maybe that's odd but then I wouldn't put it past her to put something nasty in a parcel with my name on it. But I don't want to get paranoid about that. I certainly don't want to sink to her level. And its quite sad that she feels she has to do that. I pity her really - she's lost him and she's finding it hard to deal with. But at the end of the day, he doesn't love her and she has to let go. And WE HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG. So blaming me for everything and being nasty like that just because I wrote her name on the envelope (well it was ok when I wrote the envelops to her daughters so work that one out!) - it's a bit pathetic really.

But on the plus side, it's put me off my food! So I guess I'll end up thinner than I was before. that's most of the problem really. I'm not thin enough yet. If I was, people would love me and life would be a darn site better than it is now. I know i'm insecure, I know I worry about things and there's no reason to, but I know for a fact that I'm too fat. If I ut on weight, he's more likely to go back to her. Whereas if I lose all this weight, he might like me more. I'll feel better anyway. Right now I feel like catching my pony out the field and cantering off through the woods until it gets dark. I don't want to be around ahyone right now. I can feel something bad in the air. I want to go home but I don't have a home to go home to. So I'll just take my pony and go out and smell the trees, feel the wind in my face, and get to know being alone. Because that's what I'm going to be.

Back again!

Not been on here for some time - so much has changed, I thought I was going somewhere and now it seems like I'm stuck again. Or maybe not. I don't know. But I need to come back. I miss the support - and all you guys are inspirational. I wish I could say I've lost weight. I haven't really. I've been away to Canada to work with horses, come back, the man I'm in love with is now single (but unsure how he feels about me... which hurts seeing as he knows I love him but I've got to give him time and if it doesn't work hey its what I'm used to so I haven't really lost anything. His ex-girlfriend is still very much on the scene, poking her nose in etc. And (like all the men I go out with) I think he is ashamed of me and doesnt want to let people know that he's with me. I mean, he isn't officilly with me but it could go that way. just hope i dont mess it up. which i probably will do. im so insecure, about my weight and my looks and there have always been 3 people in ny relationship I've been in (i.e. ex girlfriends etc) who have some control over the man and so we can't be together as we'd like to. In this case, they split up, she hates my guts cos she blames me for it (but things were going wrong long before I knew him anyway, but she forgets that) and he is they type of guy who is generous to a fault. put it this way, if we were together and had arranged to spend some time together, and she called up and wanted him to go over, he would do so. So I read that as "he doesnt love me as much as he loves her". to be fair on him, he's never told me that he loves me, but i just think "what am i doing wrong? why doesn't he love me? there must be something wrong with me. im not good enough. if i was thin he would love me". maybe if i was thin i wouldnt care if he loved me or not. at least if i was thin id love myself. i just hate feeling so vulnerable - so dependent on other people's feelings. i want to be able to stan alone and not care.  dont ever want to give all of myself to anyone because all people ever do is hurt each other. and i dont want that again. so im not letting go completely. i'm always going to have a back-up plan - a way out. if im with someone who doesnt put me first, then i wont be putting them first either. selfish or childish it may sound, but it the only way if you dont want to get hurt again.

Anyway, other news - I've had a bit of a makeover, have some lovely new clothes, and I'm now desperate to shift the weight. One of my friends has been on the Lighterlife diet and that's worked amazingly - the weight just flew off like anything. you have to drink 4 litres of water a day and eat 4 of their foodpacks, but I'm just doing the water thing and one foodpack if I get hungry. you can have black tea or coffee but thats about it. so ill let you all know how its going. we are going out to dinner on thursday night and i have to eat then else people will get suspicious. but after that ill be on this diet for a while and ill see how much i lose.

Auds - hope you're ok, miss you, keep your chin up. I've been reading your updates, will write soon. Stay strong.

Take care girls xxx

The numbers on the scales went down again today!! I was absurdly happy until I realised that it doesnt really mean anything cos I still look like a whale. Sigh. But at least I'm finally moving in the right direction. I don't miss eating all day, and I'm having a handful of banana chips or some raw vegetables for dinner and that's it. So if I keep at it I should be on target soon. Its strange how when everything else in my life is going so badly I take so much comfort in the scales - seeing the numbers go down makes me happy and I know that if I fail its because I have messed up and I only have myself to blame (not some random series of events/a higher power/sheer bad luck like what's happening with my pony!) It's the one thing I can actually do something about.

Otherwise life is just dragging on as usual. Will update more tomorrow and hopefully post some pics again (maybe there will be a difference this time cos I've actually lost something...)

Keep smiling xxx