anywhere but here

Wow, didn't think i'd be writing on here anymore but I just need a huge vent session. 

I'm pissed at myself for the way my life is.  About the only good thing going on in my life right now is Jason, but it sucks when I need to talk and I've got no one.  Yeah, it's great seeing Jason all the time, but sometimes ya just need a night out with the girls and well now I apparently have no girls.  I thought I did.  Apparently I screwed up big time and ya know, I forgive just about anyone but I ask for their forgiveness and its a little too late apparently.  I don't know... not speaking to me for 3 months bc of a boy or me having a job bc i have to pay for everything on my own....man tough one to decide which was worse...

I got offered the job at the before and after school program at Kreutz Creek which is awesome! It'll help me with my career down the road but they only offered $6.86/hr and I'm not sure that's enough to afford my bills.  I hate having a job...

I've pretty much hurt every person I've ever known to be friends with all my life in some way or another whether it was intentional or not.  But my last friend, I thought was diffeerent.  I thought we were going to be friends forever. We were practically unserperable.  We were pretty much family.  I thought we were gonna run this town, go to college together, live near each other so many years down the road our kids would play together, we could have some awesome parties together and maybe if we lived close enough do trading spaces together. haha  But that was gone the day I took that job.  I've regretted taking that job for so long.  Yeah, it built me up, made me feel proud of my job bc some of the jobs we did are spectacular, but trust me it damn well was not worth the damage it caused.  I wish there was a way to rewind this life and go back to happier times before all this bullshit started.  I'd fix things with Sarah and Suzannah, and Stef and Sara R and Nicole and maybe things would be better in my life but maybe they'd just end up the way they are now.   Nobody will ever know. 

I guess i'm in the same boat as Irene as to dealing with losing your best friend.  I don't even know where to begin.  I rack my brain trying to understand and it just doesn't happen.  And poor amy has been through it all with me.  So Thanks amy for stickin by me when I thought nobody else would.  Every day I think of somethin or do something that makes me think of sarah and it just pisses me off as to how stupid I was.  I just want to put a band-aid on my life and make things all better. 

I hate who i've become.  i've become an angered person who doesn't accept anyone anymore.  I don't let anyone in.  I hold tight to the one that i've got.  That's about it, because I know (or at least i THINK i know) won't hurt me.  And everytime I start to make new friends, I know it'll never be the friendship we had and it hurts just that much more.  I know I'm some pathetic POS right? Well that's fine with me.  I'll be that pathetic POS until life proves me wrong.  Proves to me that i'm not some fuck up who just is out to screw everything, everybody over.  Who can actually do something right in their stupid life. 

So yeah...that's who i've become like it or not.  I'm trying to change for the better, but I doubt i'll finish that goal out either. 

~L

Currently Listening Extreme Behavior By Hinder lips of an angel see related

sorry, I thought you were someone else...

I'm tired of the bullshit lies, sometimes it just makes ya wanna cry.  I'm tired of this feeling, like everything is reeling, and you don't know who to turn to, when ya need a shoulder, cuz that last time you looked, there was a knife stabbed in your back.  Cuz it's all a game about survival, and only the fittest survive, but your out there working endlessly and they're sitting there with they're free ride.  It just pisses you off inside. 

So to the one's holding the bloody knife in their hands, while they're sipping their drinks, here's my tears in a jar, you can kiss them goodbye, cuz I won't cry over you anymore.  I hope you get all you deserve, the money, the fortune, the fame... I'm sorry I changed because my life's work is harder than yours, but somebody's gotta do it and that someone is me.  Just know that no matter how long it's been, the number's never changed, and this life can still be re-arranged. I'll still be on the other end, wishing i was them.  I didn't want goodbye to come like this but life's a bitch.  so hold you glass high and kiss my ass goodbye....

this is my last post on xanga so I bid you all a fair a'deu!

keep this in mind....

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning to the end.

He noted that first came her date of birth
And spoke the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth...
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own;
the cars...................the house....................the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard...
Are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left,
That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what's true and real,
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,
And show appreciation more,
And love the people in our lives
Like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,
And more often wear a smile...
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy's being read
With your life's actions to rehash...
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?

Currently Listening Your Man By Josh Turner see related

a-maz-ing

Currently Listening A Little More Livin' By Trent Willmon a night in the ground see related

that's life you'll see...

Heat exhaustion sucks...

Mr. Bowe once told us that history repeats itself.  What goes around comes around.  Boy was he right!  It's funny how when one person does to another and when confronted on the issue it's blown off like there was nothing wrong with it.  But when history repeats itself and you do back what has been done to you, others say it's not fair.  Yeah life isn't fair.  But both of which was done wasn't fair.  But I lived through it, why can't you?  3 months went pass while you were crawled up his ass.  The difference is, I invite you to hang out with us.  You never did.  I know you can't live your life spending all your time with one person, but when it was always done to you, you kinda get used to it. 

I want my friends to be as much a part of my life as I in theres, but when you find the one and you grow up, you'll do the same thing.  But one thing I hope that never changes is that you are my friend.  You're my best friend.  And yeah I'm a dreamer, someone who is always thinking of the future and my kids are going to need some good people to talk to when there too afraid to come to me or Jason and I hope...well I hope that's you.  My mom's friends were always there for me, still are, and they've become my friends.  I hope you can be a part of their lives, our lives, my life. 

you know who you are, the person this is to.  I know I broke some promises, and I haven't been the greatest friend like I used to be, but things are going to change and I'll always be here.  Will you?