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| sunday. 06.07.08
b: bread rolls (250)
l: popcorn (122)
s: green tea latte (65), chocolate (20)
d: none (0)
total: 457
GONE TO CAMP FOR SIX WEEKS.
My sister always says I'm the sort of person who can't walk by anything reflective without pausing to look at myself. I like pretending this isn't true but she's also the first person I see when I get back late at night and she's usually right when she guesses whether or not I'll need help coming upstairs that night. So I think she reads me well.
The people who call do not read me well. They know I don't like starting conversation but that's about it. I think it'll be easy for me to move. I like to think moving will be as painless and thoughtless as merely walking down a street you've never visited before. Or maybe I'm just in one of those moods where everything feels like an art house film and I'm completely wasted and gone on drugs.
I told my parents I went out with friends but it was just Clover instead. We went bike riding and hunted for smoothies and finally just ended up sleeping in his bed. So what my sister says is true. I am slowly progressing past just pausing in front of mirrors and angled windows; I can lose myself in fisheye doorknobs and metal lamps and the strange half-inked eyes of a summer boy as well.
I told him I didn't really see us making it past the summer and he said it was okay. I like him for that, for his ability to see things frankly and without consequence. He asked me how I felt about it all and I thought about how it was like parts of me were and still are dying but in slow quantities and lying down doesn't really make a difference. So in the end it's like every time before, where I melt and molt and my hopes wax and wane.
We measured the distance from Alpharetta to Savannah to Valdosta and then from New Fairfield to Cambridge to New York City with our knuckles. It was all very melancholy and didn't make any sense to me.
2008 GHP PIANO MAJOR FORM
Name:
Cassi Xie
Age:
16
Year in school:
Rising Senior
Hometown:
None I'd ever donate money to or commemorate or name-drop or even fondly remember for that matter.
Piano teacher(s) and years studied:
I'd like to think this doesn't determine my GHP experience. But there've been five over a course of fourteen-odd years and I've only not dreaded seeing one.
Solo repertoire ready perform at GHP on short notice (3 days):
Ballade No. 1 in G minor, Op. 23.
Frédéric Chopin.
Solo repertoire you wish to prepare while at GHP:
River Flows In You
Yiruma
Orange Jasmine
Jay Chou
Fa Ru Xue
Jay Chou
Suteki Da Ni
Nobuo Uematsu
Sonata No. 4 in E-flat major, Op. 7. Allegro molto e con brio.
Ludwig van Beethoven
Piano Sonata No. 8 in C minor, op. 13
Ludwig van Beethoven
Chamber music experience:
Six years in Fulton County-sponsored school orchestras.
Piano ensemble (one piano-four hands, two piano-four hands, two pianos-eight hands) experience:
A week-long crash course last year at some summer music camp hosted by UGA.
Favorite composer(s):
Nobuo Uematsu, Yann Tiersen, Michael Andrews, Yiruma, Shiro Sagisu, Aphex Twin, Hirasawa Susumu and Animal Collective, although the last one is arguable as to whether or not it is a group of eclectic composers or just part of the avant-garde performance art scene.
Why do you want to be a GHP Piano Major?
I don't.
What are your goals for this summer?
Begin brainstorming the introductory paragraphs of my Wikipedia page. Move out of Georgia. Draft college essays. Use the phrase 'for shame!' at least twice in everyday conversation. It's not impressive until you can do something twice.
What are your career plans?
I see myself becoming destitute someday and eventually roaming the shadier alleys of Thailand or Myanmar or Brooklyn, but I'd like to think I'm a future fashion mogul-in-training or that's what this boy I met a week ago says anyways.
Why do you play the piano?
My mother believes playing piano promotes useful ideals and sets opportunities I'd otherwise not have into motion (she swears she's read somewhere that excelling at piano betters your academic performance and gets you married). Basically I play piano because she tells me to and I am overall a very obedient child when I feel like it.
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tuesday. 06.03.08
b: none
l: none
s: tba
d: tba
total: tba
I'm always very excited whenever I ride planes. I always hope I'm situated at a window seat, preferably near the back, so I can see the exact second an engine fails. I want to disregard seat belts and safety precautions in those final moments.I want to just lean over the seat in front of me and watch how everyone else faces their death. There are a lot of people who say these sort of things but then panic and shit themselves and are later made heroes out of for their bravery with a neat inscription on their headstone. I really rather just die knowing I'm a coward by watching and observing and not entirely feeling.
On a different subject, It's really hilarious how badly my relatives' perceptions of me and who I really am deviate.
Hypothetical situations, go!
GRANDFATHER (to my dad): Your daughter's a genius.
FATHER: Yes, we always knew if she only applied herself..
ME: Wait till you see my diagnostic for the SAT II Math Level 2 exam. Whopping 0/30!
GRANDMOTHER: I'm glad to see you've been taking my advice about social distractions to heart.
ME: Yeah, I only toilet-papered that Lutheran church AFTER I finished my biology essay.
FATHER: You know, I'm proud of you. I wouldn't even care if you were a lesbian.
ME: Wow, thanks dad.
FATHER: So..
ME: Sorry dad, something you said just reminded me of last night when I snuck out and made out with this chick and drank apple schnapps till four am. Or was that not the reply you were looking for?
I'm a little alarmed by how much sex is taking over my relationships. Point-blank, I don't enjoy the act of sex. It's painful and awkward and sexual organs are weird and just plain laughable. I've heard it's highly off-setting when your partner bursts into laughter during sex so I try and not put myself in such situations.
I've been in a total of five serious relationships that made it to Facebook-worthy statuses. I think the first lasted a total of a year and involved perhaps a total of a few hugs, two kisses and a G-rated dance. I might still even be exaggerating. But there've been flings. Oh blessed flings. I'd have to say my worsts and bests are during flings.
worst moment: Having to change emails because of troublesome flings. When you've got 258339523 accounts on 433894034 sites, this is a really. big. issue.
best moment: Making out with my ex's then-girlfriend in public.
But I'll be harsh with myself. I really need to stop. It's really deteriorated to the point where I'm starting to worry about whether my future boss will be someone I've hooked up with in my high school days. Sex has lost all meaning for me. I fake orgasms and don't enjoy sex but I do it anyways for money power kicks pretty much anything.
On a moral standpoint, I really don't care jacksquat about any of this.
Anyways I think the point of all this is that I'm losing weight so that people will think I look more delicate and breakable and want to take care of me instead of boning me and leaving me in their bathrooms with a washcloth for the salt and runny makeup.
As for this latest fling, up till the sixth day we've only had deviant-sex. I consider this improvement.
It's been three days and counting since I've eaten a meal. I feel
ferocious. I think the trick to this is to lie to yourself and say,
"I'm not fasting. I can eat whenever I want." And then just never do.
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| SUNDAY. 06.01.08: 2:12AM
b: nothing.
l: nothing.
s: diet coke (0).
d: nothing.
total: 0
I exercised all day and ate nothing. I feel weightless and heavy at the same time, but with a sort of elegance only pregnant women and dancers seem to achieve. Like glass being blown, swelling and ballooning with the air.
Plus, I just spent an hour making out in the dark with a guy I've only known for 24 hours and for some reason, that makes me feel pretty good about myself.
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friday. 05.30.08
Sometimes I open up Xanga and think, 'Hey, today's the day I write something so bowel-wrenchingly funny, there's gonna be a widespread rush to the supermarket for Tide stain remover, since every kid across the nation's gonna shit his trousers, and the only reason why half the world doesn't is because they can't read English.'
Then I think that isn't good enough, so it's back to the drawing table to figure out something so hilarious, it can be understood beyond linguistic barriers. Just a painfully comedic epidemic that brings everyone to a dirty, fecal end. I think that'd be a great end to the world. Everyone on the same terms.
It really kinda sucks, because I had a whole entry ready for posting, but I guess this is a good place to start over since a lot changed from when I started writing to now. I think that's how it always goes. I change my mind as soon as I click 'post', but by then I'm really too tired to rethink everything out. The week off in Minnesota was pretty fun. Making lists saves me a lot of time otherwise spent thinking up stupid prepositional phrases, so here it goes.
25 Things I Learned In Minnesota
1. Hooking bait is harder than it looks.
Man, I spent a lot of time becoming comfortable with just holding worms. Then it was off to hooking them. Worms have to be hooked multiple times, since they're so long. When we started running low, the knives were brought out and then it was all about quartering off the worms into little bits. It was almost too much.
2. Fishing is harder than it looks.
3. Unhooking fish is harder than it looks.
4. Re-using bait is disgusting.
We were short on worms, so there was a lot of tug-of-war going on with the fish I caught. I must've used the same worm for about eight different fish. Itty bitty worm tail, really.
5. Northern States = Cold.
A snow watch started on the first day of summer vacation.
6. Mall of America can be conquered in one day. Theme park included.
7. Subcultures are more popular in New England.
The Hollister receptionist was goth.
8. Dieting is impossible on vacation.
9. Satellite radio is the shit.
10. Asian parents really don't think their kids drink alcohol.
11. Asian parents never check under the bed.
12. Poker is a trap.
13. With my parents, 'lakehouse' really means 'series of abandoned cabins found on Craig's List'.
14. Telling the kids of your host that pork rinds are cancerous is a bad idea.
15. 'It's about a 4-hour drive' really means 'It's a bit over 6 hours, not including the emergency stop when your sister throws up.'
16. Telling the other adults you speak 'a little Chinese' leads them to believe you speak no Chinese, resulting in uncomfortable situations where they talk freely about you while you're around.
17. Carrying a tick between your toes for the past three days can lead to lyme disease.
18. Faking lyme disease doesn't get you out of house parties.
19. We didn't visit all these cool artsy spots because my parents understand my appreciation for art.
20. We only went to the sculpture garden because it was free.
21. We only went to the art museum because it was free.
22. We only went to the harbor park because it was free.
23. We only chose the rental car we did because its company name started with 'Dollar'.
24. I look exactly like my dad.
I'm really not sure this is a good thing.
25. It doesn't matter how fancy you try and make it sound; telling other adults you plan on majoring in 'luxury Asiatic threadline management' still doesn't invoke the expected visions of chemical labs and engineering cubicles.
I'm really surprised I didn't gain any weight from Minnesota. After six days of breakfasts, brunches (what a stupid word), lunches, those-meals-between-lunch-and-dinner, dinners and desserts, all at various Chinese restaurants across Minneapolis, it's strange to say I'm not nursing a foodbaby the size of a beluga whale. I don't know how I'd abort a baby that big. Probably use some industrial-size clothes hangers or something.
It's becoming really tedious to write. Probably because it's 1:11am and by now I'm really more interested in picking at my fingers. I'll be going down to the Renaissance Fair tomorrow, so maybe some deckkk photos? Maybe. Just jinxed it by using deck as an adjective? Possibly.
Spent most of the day out with Clover. I think it's here that I really just don't want to write any more. Everything's just so unsure and strange. I've almost entirely given up on Pigeons and Smoke. I just can't see either of them working out, despite how I felt earlier, and it's the triviality of how quickly these things change that bothers me.
CUE MELODRAMA.
I'm tired of tumbling into awkward relationships with people when I could've just held back and stayed friends. So I take the other extreme and cut myself off entirely. I blame the count-down feeling I have, where I've accepted the fact that I'm moving in three months, so making new friends in Georgia is a waste of time. I know I'm not the kind of person who's selfless enough to work hard and keep long-distance correspondences. I don't keep friends I don't see on a daily basis easily. I laze and forget. I'm prepared for change and not for things that could hold me back. I can take it outside just my private scope and consider him, too. If he needs someone, it definitely won't be someone as wrecked as me.
Maybe, subconsciously, I didn't let myself close to Smoke and Pigeons because I realized they're both cut from he same shape and mold all my ex's have been: cocky, witty bastards that talk about the sky and the world and then do nothing. Probably why I like girls, because I find them to be, on the whole, more ambitious than most guys. If there's one thing that kills me, it's a guy that doesn't live up to the standards I saw for him.
I am now complaining generically about every boy I've ever met and I wish you would just call already and tell me how stupid this blog is so I can go ahead and delete it.
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