I'm starting to feel like a senior again.

It's that underlying restlessness.. that worry.  All of the sudden we're faced with big change again and I know it's impacting me more than I admit to myself.  What happens when you don't admit it is interesting.  It's funny how your body will react.  My senior year in high school I had tension headaches for three months straight.  At school I'd have to close my eyes frequently from all the concentrating.  Then, I'd come home and take some advil while laying on the couch watching General Hospital.  This was my hour of recovery time.. my hour of peace.  I had to lay down in order to be ready for my three hour practice.  The headaches culminated on my spring break cruise with the family.  I ended up in the the care of an Austrailian doctor on the bottom of the ship with dehydration and such a severe tension headache I couldn't turn my head.  I still say it was all the stress.  They never found an organic cause.

I'm older now.  I'm older.. yet I'm a senior again.  I think I see it coming.  I've been sleeping more than normal for the usual nocturnal woman that I am.  It's time to be brave in May.  Lets talk about brave.  Moving to somewhere I don't know would be very brave.  Building a life of my own in a brand new place sounds so very brave.. but you know what else would be brave?  Just moving.. just getting a job.. just changing.  I'm doing things like traveling and researching to let senior year impact me.  I want to let it in.  I don't want my body to react and I really don't want to spend an hour each day out of commission (or watching the trash that General Hospital is).  I'm going to be a NURSE in 7 short months.  I think that's awesome, personally.  After all these years of studying we have the opportunity to be the change we want to see.. and anything less will be disappointing.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
-Coach Carter

Refuge comes in the oddest of places sometimes.

We're facing this year.  Everything is about to end.  My mind is preparing itself every single day.  I think the thought of moving on penetrates me every morning and doesn't leave until I fall over so exhausted thoughts cease to exist in my brain at night.  The funny thing is.. it's not only my mind doing the preparing.  It's my body, too.  My body is responding.  I feel physically different.  I feel a little more detached.  The bigger world out there sounds so good to me right now.  I am constantly thinking about traveling.  I am diving into traveling and planning trips and saving money for trips and looking up information for trips.  Maybe it's my coping mechanism?  Honestly, though.. I've had another odd coping mechanism this summer.  Something I wasn't looking for and didn't ask for.. but it's here and it's helping me.  It has passed me through boundaries I thought weren't ever really possible to pass through and I'm still unsure if that's a good or bad thing. 

I really can't wait to be a nurse and am absolutely sick of nursing school all at the same time.  I know I need more time in the clinic to master my areas and skills but the filler work is monotonous.  We all thought we grew up once we came to college.  We had big heads.  We were wrong.. the growing up happened here and it will happen next May.  Our minds are so much different than they were in Brody freshman year.  I really think for myself.  I really am ok on my own.  I really find refuge inside.

Cities dazzle me [sigh].   

B: I can tell you one thing.. I sure did miss you.
C: Did you cry?
B: No, but I did listen to a hell of a lot of Sinatra.

I think that's one of the most on point lines in Sex and the City.  It's one of the main differences.  If you take time to think about it.. it reveals a lot.  Of course she asked that and of course he didn't cry.  Sometimes that show helps us understand things we didn't even know were possible.  What did the generation before us do without it?

Last night was the first time I teared up thinking about having to graduate this year.. but it won't be the last.

In honor of Jessica coming back to us from Florida we went out last night (like we need another excuse).  It felt good to have everyone back.  It felt amazing to walk downtown together.  At one point in the night I was talking to a guy sitting next to me who is a medical student at MSU.  After some conversation about the six girls I was with he said, "Wow, six girls all still talking to each other and having fun together by senior year."  I smiled and said back, "They are my rocks.. they are my sisters."  I guess sometimes we need a mere stranger to remind us of what we have.  I found the most amazing women at MSU to share my life with.. I'm sure of it.  We keep trying to take pictures to capture it and I'm sure upon graduation we'll try and find the words to justify goodbye.. but there won't be any.  I'll just keep loving you guys, if that's ok?  I'll just keep you in my thoughts and in my prayers and definitely on my phone bill.

And as we said right before we tossed that Lemon Drop back.. lets make this the best: Welcome Week UP NEXT! 

Sometimes I find it amazing how many faces we wear each day.  I'm not talking expressions or simple moods.  I'm talking the full extent of a face we put on in every situation.  Everythings pulls us in every direction.  We have to organize quickly.  Today, for example, I had a few.. 

I wore the roommate face early in the day.  The young spirit that bonds us all came out.  We laugh a lot and mock each other.. lighthearted.  Unfortunately, I had to go to work after that and put on the work face.  That involves listening and swallowing the fact that you're really just being ordered around.  It includes being more cooperative than any of us would like but the monetary result keeps us going.  I came home to find myself putting on the mom face.  Give a ride to the roomies and correct some actions going on in the house.  The next step is a mini-van, right?  An unexpected family face was utilized due to a phone call tonight, too.  It involved concern.  It needed caring and lots of listening.  I think the most amazing face though.. is always the one you put on when you're alone.  It's important.  Do you like what you feel and what you've accomplished each day?  That's the evaluation when nothing else is pulling you.. when no one else is there.  If you don't like that or aren't comfortable with that.. something has got to change.