I've been having strange dreams lately. About Alexander.

Its's stange because I'm getting over him now, so why would I have these dreams now? I think they are kinda influenced by a book I am reading called Pretties. In one chapter the girl, Tally, has a dream close to mine. Hers has a negative though. There was a dragon and she is the princess and the guyshe lkes is the prince, and he slays the dragon and gets wth her, but you have to read the book to get it because I don't want to spoil it, just incase you want to read it. But mine didn't have a negative. In my first dream I was beautiful, or more pretty than I usually am to Mels [even though im not that pretty], and I wasn't wearing my glasses, My hair was up in a beautiful bun, simple, but beutiful. I also had on a gorgeous cream dress long, silky and flowing. We were in a ball room. I was sort of like the princess at a ball and there was this huge circle that I had stepped into and there was absolute silence and then there was Alexander who had stepped out of the cirlce to meet me, just one step out of the circle. He was looking very dapper in a handsome black tuxedo. And when I got to him all I could remember was us kissing. And this was the normal version of this dream. There was and ice version. And a pimple version. And then there was this other dream before my princess dreams. This is my other dream: I was in the living room chattering away on my cell phone and I go into my room, and there laying on my bed on his elbow watching television was Alexander. I squelled in fright and then started showing an explaining my things to him. Then I told him i had to go. Keep in mind that the only 4 people in my house were my neighbor Danny, my mother, Me, and Alexander. During the beginning o my dream Alexander id in my room, Danny and My Mother are in the living room and I go everywhere. So I go to the living room and text Mackenzie, my friend, to come over. Then Danny opens the door and there are these kids running up our driveway to our house and it was as if they were in a race and some how I was down there and I won the race [but there wasn't two me's and i don't remeber running up my driveway] and I yelled first in place and my brother pops up and even though he got 4th he yells third in place then this kid comes up and he's last and yells 7th in place? all right and rips out this long fart. Then Mackenzie shows up and I show her Alexander and she's all like hey Alexander, and I'm like WHAT you're not creeped out? And then I woke up. Then, more recently I had a daydream and it was something that actually happened. This is my last dream: Me and Mackenzie walk into Mrs. Eslick's room and there is Matthew, Alexander's friend [and sorta my friend], and he's all like 'So you like Mingo, huh?' [Mingo is Alexander's nickname] And I'm all like 'Yea, how'd you know that?!?' And Matthew's like 'He told me' And I'm like WHAT?!? and then i woke up. I

I wonder why I am having these dreams now and I'm over him and what are they supposed to mean?

I had a talk with myself {I have lots of thoughs} and I was talking about emo. Then I figured I had a question. How can one be truly emo? I mean there is the stereotype, which are the girls {Brielle && Kayla} that go around saying "That's not emo....." "Haha, that is so not emo!" As in looks and actions {as if we need that from them} To the people that say "Emo is something you need to feel...." " You shouldn't just act emo be emo" " Emo isn't just cutting yourself..." During the first part of this discussion I was asking 'Well, which one do I believe?' Then Me, the other end of the conversation, was asking " Well, how can you be both?" Which I answered with "There is really not a way is there? Because if you are the stereotype you can't truly be emo and you are truly emo and not the stereotype people won't believe you are truly emo and if you are truly emo and try to add the stereotype you would lose your true emo self to your stereotype self. Correct?"  {or i would find some way...} So now after that I am left with the simple confusing question of "How can you be truly emo?"

I don't understand. I just don't understand. I can't understand why Alexander && I can't be friends. That's all I want. I can't understand why I can't just have one perfect day where I have the guts && the opprutunity to fix everything that I have destroyed. I just want him to be my friend. I just want something. An hi. One of those crooked pinky waves. They were the 2nd thing I like about him the most. You know what was 1st. His personality. He reminded me of myself some way. A me deep inside me who is way more calm than the one you know. I will call her Calma, the itallian word for calm. I want to be her. I just don't know how. I kinda like my new reputation. Wild, crazy, sweater girl, but I'm missing something. I don't know what it is. I don't know if I want to go back to my old reputation. Quiet Girl. No one really respected me. I think some people thought I was a snob. When I met Madeleine, she said the she though I was some smart, perfect, goody two shoes. That was the first day of school when we became friends in 5th grade. The first thing we said to each other was 'Cherry Dr.Pepper rocks'. But it was special because I didn't act like that all the time. That's why all of you are my friends. Because I was quiet but nice, and smart and I knew when to be crazy. I really miss the times where when I acted crazy, it was something special. Now, its nothing but me trying to get attention. I am afraid to become Calma because I am afraid you guys won't like me the same. I won't be the type of person you would want to be friends with anymore. That's why.Calma was the girl who focused on grades, making sure she was always good, and tried to be nice to everyone no matter what. 6th grade has knocked all of that out of me. I am now a girl who cares about her grades but can't focus, tries to make sure her way is the right way no matter what and says things that she regrets. I am going to be Calma agin. I want to be her now so bad. I have made up my mind. Please guys. You liked me before. I changed. You like me still. Back me up on this. I don't want to be crazy. Help me be Calma. Alexander liked me better earlier in the year. He accepted me then more as any other time in the year. You know why. I was calm. I wasn't always trying to talk. I aways kept to myself. I always sat by myself. I realize that you can do a lot more being quiet && trying to be yourself instead of trying to be me now. I have acheived what I wanted to be earlier in the year. I wanted to be Alcada. Now I want to be Calma. I know life will be better for me if I become Calma. Please help me. Please. Help me become a version of the person I want to be that you like. I don't want you guys to think of me as your crazy ffriend anymore. Help me become Calma. I love you guys.