Currently Listening The Richest Man In Babylon By Thievery Corporation see related

Old Man and the Sea... and Me.

Bacon n Eggs

I woke up at 5.A.M. in a start.  Panicked, almost, quickly realizing that there is still so much to do- and I’d better do it to get it out of the way- since a whole new messy tornado is about to ensue.

But I felt the need to stay in bed, to bury down deep into the covers and let that warm. Soft feeling comfort me just a little longer until I have to get down and dirty with unpacking the house—yet again.

I immediately thought, “It’s Sunday- let’s cuddle.” And looked over to the crumpled duvet where I wished that if I wished hard enough, he would appear, and I would have no reason to jump out of bed and deal with the mess which is my life right now; scattered odds and ends with no places to go.  Isn’t moving great?!  Sigh… it is my life, though, too.  Still not knowing.  Getting better- but not there quite yet.

I look to my side wanting so badly for Shon to be there.  Burying deeper into the sheets, wishing I were warming up to him instead.  I decide I want to have a real traditional breakfast today; bacon, eggs and toast.  I had just been reading a book that referred to a woman having breakfast- sounds like a good idea to me. 

I wish I could pop out of bed and cheerily make him breakfast.  I’m not even a good cook- but how could I be when I don’t have anyone to make eggs for consistently?  And I don’t care about myself enough to make a full breakfast daily.  Hell, sometimes the first time I eat is around 2:30 in the afternoon.  So unhealthy.  But today I want breakfast.  I want to call Shon and tell him this- as if he had reason to care.  But that’s why I like him- he would care, even about something so trivial as my wanting breakfast.  I stop myself, thinking that he is already having breakfast at his mom’s, and it is Mother’s Day.  I mustn’t interrupt.  My breakfast needs are much too pointless to bother him with.  Then I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to be making breakfast for my own grown, adult son, and him smiling up at me cheerily because I got the toast just right.  I know it would be nice.

Then, I hunkered back down into my sheets further realizing that that’s never going to happen if I keep this life of being single (and sad) up.

Awww  wtf.

Currently Listening The Best of the Gipsy Kings By Gipsy Kings Love and Liberte! see related

I miss my xanga. WTF.

Here we go again…

But for the last time?   I can only hope.

Stupidly, I am falling in love with someone I’ve never met.

Shon is wonderful and amazing in all the ways a man can be wonderful and amazing—on paper. 

He writes me messages every morning, calls me to say hello, tells me stories about his day, listens when I tell him mine.

He makes me feel special even without his touch- I know I am in his mind; and that’s all I ever wanted to be…. Just always wanted someone to care for and about me.

He is scared I will hurt him.  He is scared it won’t work out.  I suppose I am more brave than he.  More hopeful.  More stupid.  More willing to take chances on things that feel good, but may not make the most sense.

I want him to build my house with his two hands, to put the final touches on my Speedster, to lay with as he tells me stories, to make baked goods for, to watch him hold our little girl in the air as she squeals and laughs….

I guess he is scared because he has built up everything sooo much.  He forgot to take it slow... his heart is now competing with his mind, and he is on yellow-flag high alert.

My argument is that we will never know unless we try…

But I need to be patient.  I sense he is not the type of man to make snap decisions and I don’t want to scare him away.

…..

Hours and hours on the phone.  Hundreds of email messages.  Millions of lines of chat.  His lofty ideas I am in love with for sure.. it’s everything I have always imagined.

But curse him for making me think it is HIM and not just his (my) ideas!  I am too smart for this- I don’t want to play this game.

But our relationship is not trivial, in the least.  I just wish it were real.

High Rise

The best thing about being the new girl in a downtown high rise is when the elevators open.  At every opening, there is a chance to see and be seen.

And that Children's Hospital ICU doctor on floor 12- let me tell you- is pretty hot. 

Here we are AGAIN.

I think it's sad in a way that my face is changing and getting older, yet my life seemes to be repeating itself in a mind-numbing cycle of "Christ, not this AGAIN."

Basically, I think there are 3 major things that lend themselves to a person's stability in life.  For a single person, aside from a connection to pets, family, or religion these three things are: Housing, Job, and Sense of Acceptance.

Let's review.

So, I'm moving into yet another apartment.  Blech.  The PLAN was to purchase a condo, maybe a 3 bd/2ba and get a roomie to help me cover the mortgage.  However, that all fell apart when my current lease ran out, and I had to scramble for housing.

That's because I am still looking for a Job.  3 months looking,  and still nothing.  Besides the weekly addition of huge zits to my face (stress will do that to a normally acne-free gal) no hits yet.  2 interviews next week, though, so- still hopeful.

I wish I could just curl up in some strong arms tonight- at least for a temporary fix.  That feeling when you're just so content and nothing else seems to matter when you feel wanted and loved.  Wish, because NAP is seemingly history (he just dropped off the face of the planet, suddenly, after the last morning we spent together, when he cuddled and kissed me, called me beautiful and kissed me sweetly goodbye.... over a week ago).

Again, here we are.  Sad and alone. No boyfriend to help me move.  To make me feel good, to bring a smile to my face.  Confused feeling, not knowing my place in the world.  Can'r even get a job to at least make me feel like a productive part of society.  Still unsure of my purpose.

But still hopeful.  Really, I am!

So, I'll continue to try to break out of this wretched circle.  After I eat something fried :)

Aww- wtf.