luCky13uddha's Xanga

sync

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 23:13:38 GMT

…and then I was reminded I could breathe again. As he lay resting beside me, I adjusted each of my breaths to his in order to maintain his undisturbed slumber. I began to feel at peace again. My arms stretched over his chest to hold him that much closer; to pull myself out of the absence and emptiness of my life without him. I could feel myself strengthening and realizing more and more that I am him and he is me. The constant struggle to find acceptance within ourselves was coming to an end, because from the outside forcing its way to the inside, the love that we felt for each other made us whole again. Though our past pains haunted us and though our fears of the future persisted, facing those pains and fears together would make us stronger. Although now it feels as if he is breathing me out as I am breathing him in, I remain hopeful that we will be together again. -Lan

ps. sorry for being gone so long... saying good bye can be difficult.

do you remember?

Sun, 18 May 2008 20:18:20 GMT

do you remember the days when i was yours? do you remember the days i said "i love you" and even more do you remember the days when we counted the seconds til we would meet again? i can't help but recall every moment we spent together... but as i do i quickly begin to deteriorate into nothingness because from the inside out i miss you. this hollow feeling that's beginning to surface in my disparaged eyes and faltering smile allude to the fact that i'm at no loss for self loathing expressions. i won't hesitate to say all of this because it's all passed and you're trying to move beyond me. and i can feel it in this increasing distance between us that pain prevails our circumstance. i wish that i could find remedy or erect some refuge from the perpetual wounds inflicted upon our relationship, but i'm realizing the internal wounds were more egregious than the superficial wounds we've endured together. looking at you i see a man that can't bare but surrender and walk away with what remains of him. i can't guarantee that i can offer more than a promise that i'll always stand with you rather than against you, but with that i hope you accept my alliance to your happiness. i've spent too long looking myself over in the mirror wondering if i'll ever be right. just tell me yourself, "will i ever be right?" tell me what you would make of our fate together... or at the least, tell me that we have control to dictate where we go from here. -lan

ps. it doesn't need to make sense... all that you have to understand is "i love you " and that "i'm yours"

getting a grip on love

Fri, 28 Dec 2007 21:42:40 GMT

just letting you know this is all taken from yahoo personals stuff... i thought it was funny and could be a way to constructively gauge how much you or your partner are really willing to give and take in the relationship. i think my boyfriend and i are fairly balanced. feel free to take this exam also. i've taken the liberty of highlighting my own answers with some side comments. enjoy.

So you've fallen in love and the relationship seems to be blossoming. Perhaps you're moving toward a long-term commitment, maybe even marriage? Great! Hooray for love. Hooray for you!

Hold on: Not so fast! I caution you to be sensible as you move toward a committed relationship. It's time to

determine if you and your partner have a healthy sense of give-and-take. Without it, you face constant battles ahead over who is controlling what and, in the end, who is controlling whom. Minor control issues when you're dating - battles over what movie to see, and who drives to get there -- can grow into major areas of contention as the relationship matures.

Control factors

Here is my checklist of 15 ways to gauge the "control factor" in your relationship. Ultimately, it is up to you to decide whether taking or giving control in any of these areas is comfortable for you. After you take this short quiz, I will share with you the Big Six areas where control issues present themselves, and what your answers to the following questions indicate.

Who picks the restaurant? .... You .... Partner .... Take Turns (we're pretty good about asking what we're both in the mood for before deciding anything)
Who pours the wine? .... You .... Partner .... Take Turns (it's almost intinctual for both of us to pour for each other)
Who picks up the tab? .... You .... Partner .... Take Turns (thankfully we both like to pick up the tab)
Who tells your friends your favorite joke? .... You .... Partner .... Take Turns (i like to tell jokes because i'm the funny guy... he does the laughing... but that doesn't say i can't take it when he tells a joke)
Who initiates kissing? .... You .... Partner .... Take Turns (basically we're always kissing and it's hard to tell who started)
Who is the first to apologize after a lover's spat? .... You .... Partner .... Take Turns (oh there's definitely been a lot of apologizing on both ends)
Who has custody of the remote control device? .... You .... Partner .... Take Turns (we don't really watch television... we do dvd's though)
Who calls whom? .... You .... Partner .... Take Turns (frequently call each other on daily basis)
Who leads on the dance floor? .... You .... Partner .... Take Turns (i'm addicted to dancing, usually i just go up myself)
Who dominates the conversation? .... You .... Partner .... Take Turns (even when we argue we give each other fair talk time)
Who selects the car radio station? .... You .... Partner .... Take Turns (we take turns switching through our favorites songs on our phones)
Who chooses meal times? .... You .... Partner .... Take Turns (we get food whenever we're hungry... which is all the time)
Who makes suggestions to whom on what to wear? .... You .... Partner .... Take Turns (lately he's been telling me what looks good and how to do my hair)
Who massages whose back? .... You .... Partner .... Take Turns (i try to give him back massages but he prefers frontal massages)
Who selects the weekend's activities? .... You .... Partner .... Take Turns (usually just fall into activities as our days are never planned)

What your answers mean

If most of your answers are "you," you have lots of "take" and not a lot of "give." You may very well hit the wall over control issues later on in the course of your relationship, because your partner may only be able to tolerate your "taking" behavior for a short time.

Ask yourself if you like being controlled. Some people do, but most don't.

If your answers included "You/Your Partner" much of the time, you are more "give" than "take," and you run the risk of trying to opt for control later on. Ask yourself if you like being controlled. Some people do, but most don't. When dating someone new, many people find it fun when their partner orders for them at a restaurant or selects the weekend activities. But over time, such gestures can make a person feel smothered and controlled.

If your answers point to mostly "take turns," your relationship has a healthy give-and-take and stands a terrific chance of going the distance. In my experience as a divorce attorney, I find that those who are not willing to "take turns" in many areas will continue to battle during the divorce process on a much grander scale.

The Big Six: What are your control issues?

The 15 questions above provide telling clues as to how you deal with what I call "The Big Six" -- those areas in a relationship where control issues typically manifest themselves.

The Big Six are:

Money
Children
Intimacy
Health
Growth (personal and professional)
Fear (physical, emotional and psychological)

If you're the one who always initiates kissing, eventually you and your partner may get into some clashes in the intimacy department. If you have disagreements or resentments during your dating period over who pays for what, you can expect money to eventually top your Big Six list of control issues.

If you're the one who's always rubbing your partner's back, look out! When you become sick, you may have to make your own chicken soup. And if you're with someone who always picks the restaurant, weekend activities or the radio station - you're headed for a life with a dominant mate who feels the need to call all the shots.

Someone who steals the limelight to tell a couple's favorite joke may also be the ambitious type, a partner who will always feel the need to keep achieving, and thus growth may become an issue over time.

Fear can override any relationship. Those who are compelled to always apologize, whether it is their fault or not, may, in time, wish to be free of the emotional or psychological bondage they're experiencing.

Before you try to go the distance with your lover, gauge where you stand in the control department on these crucial Big Six issues. Decide what you're willing to give or get -- because if you don't agree early on in your relationship, you may very well have problems once the honeymoon period is over.

stepping back into the world of dance

Fri, 21 Dec 2007 00:50:21 GMT

i think i decided i need to keep dancing.. if not because i've put on a bit of weight since i stopped.. or even for the reason that i think i've forgotten how, definitely going back to dancing because it was something i was proud of. i just want to have something to be proud of... something that i'm good at and that no one can take away from me. it occurred to me yesterday while i was dancing with my friend xanthia.. she wasn't really dancing as much as she was sitting on a chair and flipping through the music on my laptop.. that my once voluminous array of corporeal vocabulary had been reduced to nothing more than a few pat de chats and and simple jetes... bleh... what ever became of me? anyway... in the course of music flipping xanthia struck a chord for me... she said.. "stop thinking about choreographing.. just dance." and then i realized... i wasn't dancing as much as i was trying to think of what to do next. it's what my business instructor expresses as paralysis by analysis (overthinking). and so xanthia turned on a song that i liked and i just kinda let loose... and within minutes... if not seconds, i was able to string together a nice few sets of movement. i was proud... and even more so, i was realizing that i still had it. -Lan

ps. i guess that it's not about how much i can do it, it's that i have to just do it when i can.

surgery today

Fri, 07 Dec 2007 13:36:45 GMT

wish me luck. -Lan

ps. take care everyone.

at home with my dog

Thu, 29 Nov 2007 01:59:57 GMT

i didn't realize what this feeling was. i want to let go of everything. i don't want to have anything between us. i just want to be closer. i think being here alone made me realize how much i love him. i remember when i was thinking about myself; how i wanted to go out and have fun, how i wanted to have friends to talk to, and how i wanted to meet new people in my life. and after sitting here with my dog Gino.. though he was sleeping on my bed, i got this different feeling. i wasn't thinking about going out, or calling my friends, or even making new friends. all i could think about was him. and it is such an overwhelming feeling that i feel like i'm knocked off balance. it's such an incredible emotion running its course through me right now. all i can do is smile and feel like crying at the same time. you know, i looked at myself in the mirror and i remembered how imperfect i am. all my faults and my failures were staring me in the face and it didn't matter, because i know that someone loves me for who i am. and for me, that's enough to make me believe i'm a good person and i have a purpose. i don't know how else i can explain it, i don't think it needs complex words or extensive discussion. it's pretty plain and simple, i'm in love. -Lan

ps. i can get used to this.

to be thankful

Fri, 23 Nov 2007 19:44:01 GMT

i spent thanksgiving with my boyfriend and two other friends. it was great... i'm actually really happy that i and my boyfriend got to be with each other for another holiday. i guess this year i can be thankful for a few things... post thanks for the year:

1. i'm thankful to my closest friends for always taking care of me and always welcoming me back into their lives even though i turned my back on them so many times. i know i've been a horrible friend, but i'm trying to make it better as best i can.

2. i'm thankful to my mother for telling me that she still loves me after all we've been through.

3. i'm thankful to my boyfriend for being here to comfort me while i've been going through so much. for making me accept the good and the bad, and the things i didn't want to talk about in my life.

4. and i'm also thankful to Gino, my dog. i know i don't give him as much attention as i should, but everytime i come home and he jumps and licks me, i feel like there's at least one person that thinks about me and needs me to take care of him (my boyfriend can take care of himself... he's very independent).

there are a few other things i am thankful for, but i decided that i would note the more major players in my life... but a few things to be thankful for and not to take for granted;

1. your health - it could go at anytime, be thankful you can live the way you want to by your healthy condition

2. your job - you might hate it or love it, but you have to be thankful that you're at least working and being able to support your lifestyle. not everyone even has the chance to be employed legitimately because economic/social obstacles.

3. your passion - there is something about passion that should never leave your life. be thankful that you have some drive in life, no matter what that motivation might be, be thankful that you have it to give you resolve to pursue more.

-Lan

ps. *special note to babe. "thank you for helping me get through this babe. i'm still afraid of what might happen, but i'm at least happy when we're together and i feel safe when i'm in your arms. i love you babe"

thanksgiving... no thanks, i prefer receiving

Tue, 20 Nov 2007 21:25:35 GMT

so lately it has been nice for me. i've been spending lots of time with my boyfriend and the other majority of my time is spent at work or at school. i feel good that i'm being productive even under the stress of the unknown. but going on, thanks to everyone for the well wishes. i promise i'll give a real update as to what's been going on, it's just at this time, a lot is under investigation.. so i don't want to make an announcement before any evidence becomes available. so yeah, taking it day by day. i can't wait til december when i can get all the exams done. this is really dragging me down... but let's move on to other things... sorry for starting off this entry on a sad note.

my roomies are going to LA. meaning i'm at my house alone for the rest of the week until monday... maybe party!!! who wants to party??? hahahaha. i'm kidding... well sort of. the thing is, if i wanted to throw a party i'd rather do it when my room mates are present.. because we're all actually fun loving people and would love to do a get together either way. LOL. so not sure what's going on for thanksgiving. don't know if i can see my boyfriend, he might be with his family that night. ergh.. what can i do then. most of my friends will be away.. i guess i'll just be with my dogs this thanksgiving. eh.. let me figure it out. if anyone has any ideas.. please feel free to let me know. we could be maybe throw a half ass... or full ass (hahaha) thanksgiving with some friends. who knows. -lan

ps. i will finish later

(additional content)

so i guess i wanted to say hope everyone has a great thanksgiving... and actually remembers to be thankful for what they have. you know, at any moment it can be taken away. and i put a little joke in the title for my gay friends.. but it's not true... LOL. i prefer both. in a non-sexual way i actually prefer giving over receiving any day. i always feel strange when someone gives me something.. i feel like there's something wrong when when i get presents from someone. it sounds odd right? but on the other hand whenever i'm wandering around and see something nice for someone, i usually have no reservations to not purchase it and give it as a present. LOL. i'm silly, but i guess the feeling of making someone else happy has always made me feel like i was doing something good (even if the cost might be high). but remember.. for me i don't think it's the value i want people to see when i give them a present.. i feel that people deserve things in their life that they've already paid for through their being. so let's just say, i'm a believer in good deeds do not go unrewarded. it's all part of the karmic flow. -Lan

ps. where's the best place to get stuff during black friday (day after thanksgiving) i wanted to get some stuff, but i've never had the determination to get up so early just for shopping, but i thought it might be fun this year to try it. any crazy bargains? hahahaha, OMB (oh my buddha) i just asked about bargains.. i'm becoming cheap. eh, it's fine...

times of need

Sun, 18 Nov 2007 20:02:44 GMT

in everyone's life there is a time when they can no longer help themself. they must rely on the goodness of other men for assistance in their struggles. it's a wonder why so many men go along with their lives without ever avidly seeking the help of another. i guess i can look at myself and see a similar personality trait. but now i have relented and have been asking everyone i know for help. i'm afraid. i'm honestly really afraid of what's going on with me. i don't know what's going to happen to me. it could be be something really awful... or not as awful... but for sure, its some kind of awful. i guess its a little early to be making any announcements about my present conditions, but i'm going to say that i'm not in high spirits right now. i've only spoken to a few people about what has been speculated. for the most part i've just been gathering information about what could be the inevitable. so i can admit one thing, i might be in the hospital a lot more often in the next few months. i'm hoping its something that can be solved easily... but i know its not likely. does it make me a bad person that i refuted god and all his mediums in the past, and now in my times of fear and desperation i cling to a cross? someone left a rosary on my desk and i thought it was really a sign that i need to find some higher power and ask for forgiveness and assistance. i'm not saying i'm asking god to take me back into his arms. i turned my back on catholicism a long time ago. i have no intention of returning... but the fact that i cling to the rosary admits my weakness. i want someone to save me. i want someone that can guide me. i want someone to hold me. looking into my buddhist philosophy i'm trying to push away the things i want in my life... but honestly, i don't think i can go on without these things. i've been crying the past few days and i'm becoming more and more afraid as the condition persists. so i know it might be against the rules a little bit, but if i could... or more appropriately.. if you could, would you please think of me in my time of need. it might be asking a lot, but i'm not finding any comfort in my tears. -Lan

ps. thank you for taking the time to read this.

suicide note

Thu, 18 Oct 2007 02:13:15 GMT

even with everything i've been given, everything i've earned, and everything i've found, it's never been enough. and now i understand why i was never really happy. i wasn't letting myself commit. it hurts to know that you are the cause of the undesired effect. i am at fault. i hurt the one i love today... deeply. what i did was inexcuseable. because of this decision i made, i am left to wait for his decision to be made. i know that fancy words and empty promises can't sway him nor bring him back to me. but i'm hoping that i can do anything right for him. it's really time to step up to this challenge. i know i'm not guaranteed another chance... but if i learned anything from previous relationships, it's that second chances don't come easy. i can't just ask him to forgive me and move on. i have to prove to him that i'm here for him and will really stand by him. i did a horrible job at maintaining his trust throughout the relationship. i made him suffer. and with all this he stood by me. i was so lucky. and because of my inability to be satisfied with what i had, i accepted the temptation for more. by doing this, i signed our relationships suicide note. i was preparing to jump from the bridge that connected us to an ocean of uncertainty. and now i am sinking in this uncertainty. i don't know where i am. i don't know where i'm going. i don't know if he's coming to save me. i don't even know if he's there anymore. all i know is i made the choice to jump... and now i'm drowning. the last thing that i can say without hesitation is, "i'm sorry, for everything i did and hadn't done. you deserved so much more than what i had to offer" -Lan

ps. i'm not worth the tears. i would sink lower if i knew you had been crying over me.