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| I sure as hell am not perfect. I have understood that for a long time. I try to live my life in the msot rational way possible yet I am constantly being told my thinking is actually irrational.. Take an example I encountered today...
I am scared of the underground in London, my thought is 'If I get on the tube, I will be bombed and I will die'
That's the thought.
Then I realised, I am not concerned when other people go on the tube, I always say 'Oh you'll be fine' and I genuinely mean it. I feel that their life is not in danger more than it ever is.
However, tomorrow when I am there, I will genuinely feel like there is a gun to my head, that I am in actual true 100% real danger. If I get into a cab or walk instead, I will feel fine, knowing all my friends are okay and so am I..
It's so annoying. I can see how it works in my head. I can dissect all the irrational thoughts, CBT has allowed em to do that, I can label them all, 'all or nothing thinking' 'jumping to conclusions' 'overgeneralisation' 'mental filters' 'disqualifying the positive' 'magnification' 'minimisation' 'emotional reasoning' 'should statements' 'labelling and mislabelling' 'personalisation.' They all roll off my tongue so easily and are set into my brain, I understand when a thought is irrational, I can stick it into a group, 'I will die when I get onto the train' is JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS/FORTUNE TELLING. I know it's irrational, it's on a list of irrational thinking, but I can't get it into my head that it's not real.
That is the really scary part about fear and anxiety. It is so disabling mentally and in the extreme, physically. Days when I couldn't physically cope with a single pea touching a carrot, days when I 'knew' that unless I stayed awake I was never going to pass my GCSEs. Things like that. None of it makes sense. If a pea touched a carrot, the carrot was then contaminated, I couldn't eat either. I had to leave the room, I had to take deep breaths, I had to sob and cry because I didn't understand why things had to be that way. Imagine a life without fear, not necessary a life without some concern, but a life free of fear, which is nearly always completely irrational. Imagine waking up and being able to breathe the air and not gasp for breath as you remember that you're only mortal and one day you'll die, and you think that spluttering about will help, even though it won't.
Imagine getting a bus and not shaking the whole time, imagine being able to buy fruit from a stall and to eat it and then not lie awake all night, convinced it was poisoned. Imagine not spending hours lying in the dark afraid to move in case there is a black widow spider on the floor which will bite your foot. Imagine looking into the mirror and not beign afraid. Imagine looking at your relatives and instead of worrying which will die next, just looking at them and feeling so lucky. Imagine just BEING, and that being enough.
However, as already stated in this ramble, I am not perfect. My biggest flaw, or one of, is the fact that fear consumes me at some points in my life, but most of the time I have it under control. Fear is also pretty good. Imagine waiting for a roller coaster without being a bit nervous or afraid, the rush would be rubbish. Imagine not being afraid of exam results, or doing well or being accepted. I don't think you'd ever do anything. Imagine genuinely not being afraid or scared of death, I don't see how you could ever live like that to be honest, you need so fear and uncertainty to make you want to make the most out of life, to make you strive to make tomorrow a better day than today.
I hate being afraid. When I have younger relatives whether they're children, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, cousins etc, all I ever want to tell them when they are about my age, is to never be scared like I am, that this is an awful way to live ones life, I know I will feel this way forever, I know when I die it is all I will regret. I am afraid that I will forever live my life on my knees.
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| Pokemon Diamond
 Okay, so I got this game on Monday to add to my collection of every other pokemon game made...A review is a bit difficult considering I've only done 10 hours so far, so this will just be my initial impressions, I'll write up the whole thing properly once I've at least completed the main story and figured out what the side quests are.
Pros:
Straight away the graphics are improved on the last version I own (Leaf Green GBA) and although the majority of the game appears in the usual 2-D, things like buildings have a 3D element to them from the outside which suprisingly adds more than you'd think to the game. The towns and cities instantly look so much better it's a pretty good yet simple improvement.
The most noticeable difference and improvement is the use of the DS rather than the GBA, so you have the top screen which is essentially the same as the GBA screen, and then the touch screen is used to travel through menus in a different way and use some of the extra little features such a step counter, real time clock, calculator and all the little suprise add ons you receive throughout the game which aren't great, and it's all plain and grayscale, but a nice little addition. I don't feel that the touch screen is fully used.
Underground! You can now go underground and dig up spheres, treasures and fossils! This is an interesting little bit which I didn't like too much at first, but with use of the DS wi-fi you can meet people down there, have your own secret base which you can decorate. So far none of it is relevant to the game but it's all about making use of the DS and it's great wi fi communication.
The time is real time again, something not seen since Sapphire/Ruby/Emerald, and something I am incredibly grateful for. Mostly because I couldn't get Espeon/Umbreon in Leaf Green without trading and it adds another more realistic element, some pokemon come out in the morning, some all day, some at dusk or at night etc.
I am yet to enter any contests, but apparently they including acting and dance contests so I am very sceptical as to how this will work out....but if the accessories bit I have done so far is any reflection of them, I have a feeling I will not like it. But like I said, I can't really comment right now.
Cons:
The music is nothing new at all, it still gets annoying as ever, particularly near haunted locations. I don't mind the music too much, but some kind of update would have been nice.
The pokemon are still getting cuter and cuter, which is always my gripe with the newer games, the newer the game, the cuter the pokemon. Pikachus once even looked a bit threatening, now it looks like the worst it could do is tickle me. Hmm...Pokemon move in battles though (slightly) which is a bit of a pro I suppose, but it's still going here because they only move cutely.
This is not really a con, but the game is, exactly the same as all of the others really. Except we now have Team Galactic instead of Teams Rocket, Magma and Aqua etc. People who have played more than one, will understand this before buying, and not be disappointed, but to anyone that expects some new exciting storyline, I wouldn't go here to get it to be honest.
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| It is completely ridiculous that I can never stop thinking about how short life is, and how great it would be to not be afraid, and how amazing everything could be, realistically. But I spend all my time doing nothing, I spend all my time being scared, telling myself I'll do it tomorrow and that I'll be happy and grateful tomorrow. Then tomorrow comes and I still feel no better. And I feel like I can't do anything I want, which is pretty much true. I probably just miss my family right now, I feel a bit tense because I have to be responsible for lots of animals and to make sure the door's locked and that the stove stays tidy or whatever. This is a lot lonlier and draining than I thought it would be, I actually feel like I'm just waiting for them to get home. At the same time it's pretty good though, I can sit down in the lounge at night and watch what I want on TV and call my friends and just relax.
I'm waiting all the time, then when things come around I start waiting for something else, for exams to be over, to have had a rest, for my parents to get home, to be 18, til results day (I fear that is what this is all about.)
Anyone who has stayed with me that long will see the same kind of writing (or lack of) as this time last year, and the year before. Where I start writing, and I'm thinking of excuses, but I can't disguise the fact that this is what it's all about.
It's not that I want to do well, hell, I got over that post GCSE I think, it's the not knowing. It's the fact that its all out of control, I can't make a blind bit of different to my score or my future or anything right now. If I tidy everything up and then am a great daughter and friend and I am happy as larry, it still won't change what is now set in stone. I can't get my head around that. I am waiting to cry, because that's what I need to do. This is too long a wait for anyone I am sure. As soon as I open that fucking brown envelope and I tell God I didn't ever fucking need him, then I can take a big breath of air and forget it for a year. And to just be.
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| So here are a couple (literally, not photo whoring as usual) of pictures from Saturday night. There are NO pictures of me looking very normal which is pretty annoying...
 So yes, this is me, a few weeks before being 18, have decided to compare with my last formal school event, when I was nearly 16. Shall post below, may aswell do a full body shot to illustrate weight gain.   Okay so those are all June 2008, all the one following are May 2006, so only 2 and a bit years....  Meh I was nice and thin anyway. I had my hair done and everything and it was probably a better night. I just looked and felt more uncomfortable I suppose. Could write more but my brain is still melting. | | |
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It's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance.
It's the dream afraid of waking
that never takes the chance.
It's the one who won't be taken,
who cannot seem to give,
and the soul afraid of dyin'
that never learns to live.
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