i don't know why it is but lately....like....2 oe 3 years lately...

i really haven't paid attention to my birthday. 19th came and gone. 20th came and gone and soon to be 21st to come and go.


i don't know...why is it i'm usually so preoccupied with other things that i don't even notice my birthday.
i think over the years it has lost some of its meaning.
i mean i should be excited and throwing the party of a lifetime because i am finally 21.
...

but when i think about it.
...i don't.


i feel out of touch with everyone in my life. but i guess i put myself there.
honestly, i don't see myself having friends later in life because of the way i treat them.
they don't hear from me.
so they move on without me.

i don't know what is it about me, but i just stop talking. even to my family, not just my friends.
i don't see my family. i mean...i see jessica just because i drive her to korean class and my uncle because he's always at the house.
i don't see my mom, dad, sam, my aunt or cousin. neverless my friends.
even if its just to say hi im scared that it'll lead to a 3 hour conversation. i don't know...
i don't know why i think this way...

...but i've been thinking this way for a very long time now.
...that i'd  be better off without friends...because then i won't hurt them.
i mean i want friends....but i can't keep them.



i'm a sad human being ain't i. sad and simply complex

i don't know why i only write at months at a time now...

i guess im more caught up in myspace and facebook and cyworld than i hoped i would be.
hmm..

i just needed to write this somewhere.
i thought since i don't really have many people checking my xanga it'll be ok to type here.


i think i like him. i shouldn't like him.
i'm actually really confused about him. i feel like if i like him i'll corrupt him.
ugh honestly i can't even see us dating...or anything like that.
really when i think of him...we're always married.

i know im thinking WAY too much into this..but i can't help but think that ever since my friend said this said guy was cute....i haven't looked at him the same way.
i was fine until she came with me that one day and met him. then...she said that comment and lo and behold....


".....yeah.....he is cute."


><!! grr!!
what the hell is wrong with me.
i don't know. actually now that i type this out i know i don't like him like that.
i think it's just frustrating that i keep thinking about him. it's so strange!! i get really nervous in when im in the same room with him.
like when i leave he comes out and says goodbye but see, he does this with everyone but i guess there's a little part of me that wishes that he stays in the room and just leaves....but then i have a small part of me that likes that he takes the time out of whatever he's doing to say goodbye. despite that he does this to everyone.

heh...and one memory of him that really sticks out is that when my phone rang, i had a final fantasy VII ringtone and he knew exactly where it came from. i was...impressed and shocked. i honestly never thought he would know just because yeah...not big...avid players...of video games...

....or movie watching....or yeah...

he's good with kids though i admit. he'll be a good father one day.


ugh...i'm thinking too much into AGAIN. you see!! it's this that keeps playing in the my head over and over and over!!! UGH!!!!
that "out of sight, out of mind" thing only works for so long for me.




....i wanna hurry up and study abroad. heh...we were even in korea at the same time. -sighes-



God help me. =/
this is just....pitiful.