i don't know what to do... tell someone the truth but it comes out harsh.. or tell them what they want to hear, but it won't be the real opinion...

sometimes i start to doubt myself b/c i am very protective of my friends and i don't like seeing them hurt. some tell me that i should just not say a thing and let them get hurt and they will learn the lesson, but i don't like to gamble b/c when this person gets hurt, i'm afraid it'll hurt too much. so instead of letting someone else hurt her, i just make it harsh and hurt her first to save her from the real hurt.

somehow this makes me sad, b/c i had to make her take my ultimatum, but i feel like im threatening her. it kills me to have to have this conversatio b/c i feel like i'm such a bitch and that was not my purpose.

what do i do?

my ultimatum was that if she doesn't listen to me then i can't talk to her anymore, which can come off as me not wanting to be her friend anymore.. was that too harsh? should i just let her do what she wants to do and be there fo her when she gets hurt? sighhh.. someone help me!

March 17, 2008, 17:55

Joseph Chen

i never thought i can love someone at the first glance, but i LOVE him!

He was born 3weeks early weighing 4100kilograms. super big baby!

Pet Peeve

i just realize i have another pet peeve. i always thought my biggest pet peeve was two-faced people, and don't get me wrong that is still my biggest pet peeve, but i think i found another pet peeve that is equal to that.

new pet peeve: being stood up. or cancelling last minute. i mean i dont mind the real emergencies, but when the reason is BS or seems shady, it makes you think no? or you just keep hearing excuses after excuses. i hate that shit. it really really really IRKS the F outta me. it's to a point i ask myself why do i keep re-arranging my plans to fit the particular person's needs knowing that i'll be stood up. maybe i just deserve it since i put myself in that situation.

on another note:

i'm done confronting. it has lost its purpose. i'm done questioning my sincerity/care because like a friend of mine says... "如果痛苦大於快樂就失去它原本的意義" which translates to when the pain is more than the happiness, then it loses its original meaning. maybe sometimes i just care too much, too much to a degree that i start to doubt myself, and like jo says, why should i doubt who i am, when i can spend my energy else where or on someone that will actually appreciate it and deserves it. im a sucker at friendship huh. had to clarify in case people thinks im writing about a boy, coz it has nothing to do with a boy. it's just friendship in general. i think it just hit me why i put so much energy on my friendship. it's b/c in the past 10plus years of my life, i was away from my family and i have to depend on the friends around me to be my family, but its true, i actually have REAL FAMILY around me right now, and that they won't hurt me in this sense. and i have to start taking the advice from friends that really are my family. time to move on... but the only way i know how to stop what i do is end up hurting that person... does that make me a bad person???

:update:

reading this past entry makes me feel like i have so much anger? i dont.. its just a general thought.

"Sometimes you have to let go to see if there was anything worth holding on to."

i don't know how to put it in words... so much things go thru my mind to a degree im once again losing sleep...i can't even seem to explain it. i wish someone can just tell me what to do and how to think... it gets so exhausting sometimes that i wish i can just NOT CARE. but i just cant. seriously. im so confused. i feel like im swimming in the ocean and i cant feel the ground or see anything to swim towards...

Life In Taiwan

Time surely fly by fast, it's been almost 8 months since my official move back to Taiwan. and Alittle over 7 months since i joined Microsoft Taiwan. Not sure where i'm going with this post, but just rambling.

Taiwan has been treating me well. Overall i like living in this city. I would also hope that my chinese is getting better compared to when i first came back, but a friend of mine told me that it's not that im fobby or that my chinese is good, it's just that i have the guts to just speack the language but my chinese sucks. LOL. not sure how to react to that.  but i DO know that my english is terrible now. My boss thinks i should start reading more, but how is that suppose to help with my speaking wise?

Speaking of the boss.. work has been okay. stressful and busy but okay. i've been able to meet alot of great people, who most will be leaving me since they either have left or are on their way to teaching english in korea, japan for school, another job offer, end of their internship and just life.. they've all been amazing people and they are reasons why i enjoy waking up in the morning to go to work. but things may be changing very soon, for now, i'm just gonna leave it at this.

family is good. despite the health issue my mom and sister have on and off, overall they are good. my sister is expecting her second son in april, so it's extremely exciting.

my dad asked me the other day if i miss nyc. i do. but do i regret leaving nyc? i don't. my other friend says i fit in well in taiwan, so that's pretty comforting... but sometimes despite my fobbiness.. i'm still not fobby enough. surprisng eh..

just wanted to say i miss everyone!