| wow.
It's been a long time since the last time I touched xanga. I almost forgot how to add a new entry. I don't know exactly what brought me back to xanga. I guess I just don't have alot of people to talk to anymore. There's so much in me that wants out, but there's no one I could vent to. That's really sad. I guess it's not that I don't have anyone to talk to. The problem is there isn't anyone close enough and available enough for me to reach out to anymore. I mean, not everyone will get up at 6 in the morning to hear me cry. Life is becoming very unfulfilling. I must say that for the past few years, the only thing I think I'm absolutely doing well at is my education and maybe my relationship with my family. Anything else has been good and bad in occasions. Now that I graduated from UBC, and education is temporary not part of my life anymore, I feel rusted. I mean I know what I want and where I'm heading at and I still think I need the rest I decided to take. But this whole one year break thing isn't really doing me good so far. Now that I have nothing (important) to do, I finally realized how I'm really a big failure. Other than the few I rarely see, I have no true friends. My entire social circle consists of my boyfriend, his friends and the few I previously mentioned. That would mean that if my relationship with my boyfriend fails, my social circle will become an invisible social dot. I seem to lack the ability to make new friends either. Backing up a handful of years, I wasn't like this. When did I lose the ability to make friends? When did I start closing up myself from the world? When did I become this boyfriend dependent emotionally drived loser? My love life isn't steering towards a great direction either. I love him but I question whether I should be in love with him. People ask me why after everything that happened I am still willing to stay by his side. Because I love him? Is that all that matters? No.. I know that's not. I don't trust him. I wouldn't say I don't trust him at all. But if "do you trust him?" is a yes and no question, the answer will be no. And again and again he reminds me why. What is the point? Why should I hope that things will turn better when he can't even keep a simple promise? Why should I stay hopeful for our future if he keeps dissappointing me? Why should I try and try to build up that trust when again and again he lets me down? I don't get it. You fall and you learn. You touch the hot stove and you learn that it will burn you. Why can't he learn to cherish me? Why can't I learn to stop investing in dead end relationships? Yes, he makes me happy, but he makes me very unhappy too. I know that he's trying and I see him working to improve our future. But he still fails to keep himself from doing things that will break my heart. Maybe it's just him. It's that little devil in him that keeps committing the crimes. So, unsolvable problem? I know everyone makes mistakes and I myself is far from perfect as well. But I guess the question isn't whether he's a good guy or not anymore. I guess the question now is, given the current situation, should I or should I not, go on?
I'm tired. I feel strained and trapped. I want a new life. I want a release, a breath of fresh air. I want to start over. But I'm not sure if I'm brave enough to go back to zero... |
