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| my life is like a ferris wheel ride...sometimes i just don't get it. i try to make everyone happy and sometimes i seem to neglect how i actually feel deep down inside. what is wrong with me? i don't see why i have this responsibility to make everyone smile and i forget myself along the way. am i retarded?
as if life weren't hard enough, now i have another thing to add to my pleasent life. how am i suppose to choose between the one i want and the one who wants me? i can't ever seem to think straight. i'm always afraid i'll hurt somebody so i end up hiding my feelings and not telling people how i actually feel because i have the biggest fear i'll hurt someone close to me, who i care about deeply . i believe this is another dilemma i can add to my dramatic life. i don't want to feel like this anymore. i want to break away. i want to be able to find inner peace and know that i can make it on my own with only the help of my Heavenly Father. is that too much to ask, honestly.
but then again i ask myself the same question...nee way sh muh bu yow ai? 
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| ) :if only you knew. if you knew what was going through my mind all my hurts would be taken away. are you aware of that fact that you're suffocating me? i feel so vulnerable and weak everytime i'm around you. it's as if everything i've come to know and believe fly out the window everytime you're around. this sucks. you would've thought i'd grown up by now and see you for who you really are but NO i have to keep falling for the hundredth time not knowin when i'm goin to convince myself again that i'm over you when i'm truly not. if only you had the ability to read my mind or i had the ability to transfer my thoughts so you would see and know and feel how i feel. but you never will and the funny thing is everything i want begins with an if meaning it's nothing but a mere thought or dream that evidently never seems to come true... | | |
| untitled it feels so weird. i don't even know where to begin to describe how i feel or rather what i feel. it doesn't make any sense to me. honestly, i've only met you and it feels like i've known you for such a long time. the thing i like best about you is the way you make me feel. it feels as though you've got me all figured out. i like the fact that i don't feel like i have to act or dress a certain way for you to notice me and i don't need to do anything more to make myself into what you define as 'perfect'. i like that feeling but too bad this is only a dream, it's nothing but a little girls' fantasy because i know in reality that i havent found that guy and i know that no matter how many times i try to convince myself to believe that you're the one, you're not. 
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| : (I AM STUPIDDDDD X(
I am retarded to the MAXXXXX. i feel like pure lard. GAH. how come i ALWAYS jump to conclusions?? huh huh? OH MY GUDNESS!! : ((( does someone want to slap some sense into me? ANYONE? because at this point i no longer want to believe any thought that comes out of my head. AHHHH. i am truly at the lowest point in my life rite now i feel like scum. so friggen disappointed in myself that i feel like a piece of crap. not just any crap; but ugly, disgusting, smelly, fat and lardy piece of crap that came out of a COW. GAH GAH GAH GAH GAH GAH. on top of all this lovely business i am sick again. why am i always sick? this is dumb. dumb dumb dumb. that's all i have to say about my wonderful life for now. i am so tired and sick all mixed together i have no more energy. what's done is done. i can't go back and change the past, so bottom line it's over. | | |
| *Looks like another day where i have to put on a smile
( : okkk well wat has happened since may....well okkk let me talk about the downs of the start of my summer 06: i missed church retreat, i didn't get to see fireworks, tracy's gone, stan's gone ahhhhhhhhh this is sooo depressing lol well i'm glad it's summer anyway cus everyone needs a rest and here it is : ]] sooo for summer 06 i need to go MAD shopping, movie watching, have laughin spasms and most of all stay out late : )) heheheh soo funn i CAN NOT wait [ :
i'll always put my best face forward for you; not like you'll ever see it but i'll never be able to give you wat you want// time is burning like a candle and sometimes it makes you think of how it all began...
INTENSEEEE <33
wowwww let's give some shout outs to my pretty babies:
TRACY CHON <3333 : what can i say about you darling?? well you are in vancouver and i hope you are having an AWESOME time hahah i misss youu and lovee you very very much. get yourself a tan and come back black lol while you are having an awesome time remember to make yours truly a scrapbook heheh sooo evil and wen you come back you will spend at LEAST an hour with moi ka-peesh?? okkk i MISS MISS MISS MISS MISS MISS youuu *mwahh
JOSY KWAN S2 : BABYYY i can not i mean CAN NOT believe you called today AHHHHHHHHHh i MISS you sooo MUCH you have nooo IDEA i also can't believe you are comin back in NOVEMBER wen it is freezing cold you LOSER lol but i;m glad you are comin back anyway lol much loves there OMG you will miss my bday. DIE lol i'm missing youuu dailyy soo come back lol
i think tat's going to be it for now unless something AMAZING happens then i shall post another beautiful message until then LATER hehehehhehe | | |
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