madamebearterfly's Xanga

Life is funny, isn't it??

Mon, 28 Apr 2008 03:13:57 GMT

I have always said, or thought, that it is funny how life winds it's way through a series of events. Today, I got to do the coolest thing ever!! I had the opportunity to conduct the Oklahoma Youth Wind Symphony. OYWS is a part of the Oklahoma Youth Symphonies organization, and I've been working with them for quite a while. Earlier this year, I counted the years I've been associated with the organization and came up with 12. My first four years were as a high school student the following 8 have been employed as the music librarian.

Let's face it, while I was in college, I more or less took the Librarian job because I needed the income. I have always believed in the organization, and I always will, but the REAL original reason?? It was money. I have always enjoyed working with the kids, and being exposed to new people and music. With that organization, I have had the great opportunity to meet and get to know some wonderful people that I will always hold close to my heart. I have had the opportunity to learn from them and to dream that one day, like them, I would get the opportunity to stand in front of that group and actually conduct on a concert.

Today, my dream, that dream, came true. I conducted three pieces on the concert today. It was such a great feeling to be on the podium in front of a group of kids that was attentive, always ready and willing to learn. It was so awesome to be able to stand there and make music with them, and to know that we were having a good time! They played so well, and I was and am so proud of them. In an ideal world, this opportunity would present itself again, however, I don't think that will happen. I don't have enough years or degrees for that to happen.

In the wake of such a great day, there was a bit of a dark spot. There are certain things that happen in life that we want to share with our friends and family. Today was one of those days. The one person that I absolutely did NOT expect to see today was there, and I was so happy to see him. I felt in that moment that I saw him walk through the door relieved that there was at least one person who was there to see me and share in my dream. He sacrificed a lot to be there, and my mom couldn't be bothered to drive 20 miles. THAT hurts! A day that should've been filled with joy and happiness is now filled with emptiness and solitude.

I understand that people are busy, and some things couldn't be helped, but understanding doesn't mean that I like it, and it doesn't help with the disappointment. And it's not even so much the disappointment in them. It's disappointment in me. Maybe if I were a better friend or daughter they would've come...they would've seen how important it was to me for them to be there, but they didn't.

I really just wanted to share this great life moment, this once in a lifetime opportunity with all of the people I love and care about. That didn't happen, and it will be difficult to talk about the concert to them without re-experiencing the loneliness I feel now. However, there is one person I can talk to about this experience and it will bring me joy, and it means so much to me that he was there to cheer me on and support me...I can't even express what that means. I am very grateful for his friendship, love and support. I will never be able to express in words what happiness his being there brought me today.

I had better go, it's getting close to bedtime.

I know I don't update much, but I hope that those of you that read this are doing well.

Until next time.....

Happy New Year

Tue, 01 Jan 2008 16:42:31 GMT

Well, New Year's Day for me is always a day of reflection of the past year. I don't usually make New Year's resolutions, but I do enjoy looking back on the past year so, here's a quick recap of 2007.

From OMEA in January to Midwest in December, a lot has changed in my professional life over the past year. While I was at OMEA in January, besides getting to hang out with a composer friend of mine, I learned a lot and met a lot of great new people. I went from being an adjunct band director, to a full time band director. I am enjoying my time at Mayfield, and it's difficult to believe that the year is half over. Where did it go??!! I'm still teaching with the George N. Parks Drum Major Academy, and loving it. I have had the opportunity to meet so many great people...staff and students alike, and I always continue to learn. The High School band is getting better, and that's all we can ask for really. I look forward to the time when they are a force to be reckoned with, and when they understand that what they do is more than just music, it's a life lesson. My Middle school band is doing well. We still have a long way to go, but I feel that we are moving in the right direction.

Midwest this year was a great experience. I know I haven't written much about it, but that's because there were so many good things that happened. I learned a lot, and got to see some great performing ensembles. Also, I had the opportunity to hang out with some old friends that I hadn't seen since college. That was AWESOME!!!

I'm a firm believer that a lot of the time, we don't realize how much people have impacted our lives until they aren't there and then you run into them and get to have good, quality conversation. We talked about old times, and current times and the future, and it was just a great time. And of course, I met some new people that I will definitely try to stay in contact with.

Now, I at times have difficulty separating personal and professional. So, I'm going to kind of lump it all together. I have forged some great new friendships at my new job, and met many wonderful people who all have the best interest of the students at heart. I have really enjoyed getting to know some of these people, and hope that these are friendships that will last a lifetime.

I have found in the past year that with new relationships and a new "role" in life I feel at times that I have lost touch with some people that are very dear to me, so in 2008, I'm going to try to do better with that.

I don't know what 2008 holds for me, but I hope for all of you, and of your hopes and dreams come true. May 2008 be the best year for all of us. Happy New Year, Friends!

Best,
CW

Symphony for Band

Wed, 26 Dec 2007 21:28:37 GMT

While in Chicago at Midwest I was talking with friend who is a composer. We were talking about text in band works, and his Symphony for Band which was premiered in November of 2006 he uses a soprano in the third movement. Well, the soprano part is a vocalise...no text, only oohs and ahhs. He was telling me that after the premier some guy walked up to him and said, "Hey, I loved the text in the third movement. It was great!" The guy was totally serious. Some people....

What made me think of it, is I just listened to the third movement...very clearly oohs and ahhs.....

If you ever get the chance to hear or program it....it's a great piece.

CW

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Wed, 26 Dec 2007 20:37:50 GMT

So, I haven't updated in a while. My trip to Chicago, among the quirks and stupid people ended up being really good. I was able to spend a lot of time with people that I don't normally see, and I was glad for that. I also got to meet some great new people, who I hope to stay in touch with!

I ran across some lyrics the other day that speaks highly of my current state of mind.

Falling by Keri Noble

Standing here outside your door
Not sure if you're home
Wondering if I'm a fool
Maybe I should go

Usually I'm fearless
But I've become undone
A clown without even a disguise
Now everyone will know that I've

Fallen
Fallen
I've fallen in love
And I can't make sense of it

Don't know how this happened
I can't say for sure
But suddenly I'm incomplete
Sustaining on the hope

If you should see me face to face
If you could hear my heart
You might feel this terrifying something rising up and you've

Fallen
Fallen
You've fallen in love
And you can't make sense of it

So there you go.

People

Thu, 04 Oct 2007 22:19:14 GMT

So, I have decided that people suck...so here are the rules...

If you are going to say only negative things...keep your mouth shut!

As an educator, don't destroy those who are just getting into the business. When you do that you break their spirit and cause them to over-analyze their potential lifes work.

When I shut down because someone said something to me like, "West is the only high school you'll ever work out in the state of Oklahoma because you aren't good enough to go somewhere else. And the people that hired you in the first place are stupid because you shouldn't be teaching." DON'T TRY TO MAKE ME TALK ABOUT IT!!! I'll talk about it when I'm ready. However, if you feel that it's been too long since the event that you feel you need to hunt me down...don't be surprised when I blow up on you. If you know me well enough to hunt me down, then you will know that I'm not blowing up on you because it's you. I'm blowing up on you because I need to blow up on someone, and that's why I didn't want to talk to you about it in the first place.

Those are the rules...please follow them. :smile:

Flying by the seat of the pants.....

Mon, 24 Apr 2006 20:26:36 GMT

So, this weekend was insanely stressful....but in a good way.

I guess I learned that I'm not stupid and I can do almost anything.

Becky and I got a call at 5pm Friday night. We had already made plans and gotten tickets to go see Parade at OCU. BUT Audrey from the Dean's office called and said they had an emergency and asked if I could cover one of the parts. I said sure without really thinking about what I was actually getting myself in to. I should've processed before I answered, but either way, my answer probably would've been the same.

So, Becky and I (kudos to Bec, her part was way more difficult than mine) basically read down the show 3 times this weekend.

To everyone else in the pit....congrats for a great run. I was super nice to see all of you. Best wishes for great juries and successful finals.

In the end, I had a lot of fun and enjoyed being back at a place I love doing what I love to do.

So, for those of you who I broke plans with this weekend sorry. I ended being a little busy. :wink:

I suppose I'll catch you all later.
Have a good one.
C

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Wed, 08 Mar 2006 10:22:50 GMT

Okay, this really sucks. I've been checking email since 3:30am...I can't sleep. So here I am, attempting to put my thoughts down in some manner that may make sense.

Sunday and Monday were two of the most incredible days I've ever had in my life. Ironically, they were at a place that I miss dearly, and though some of the people were the same, there was a new face in the crowd. A guest of sorts, who happens to be one of the most kind and generous people I have ever met. Through conversation, I saw some parallels in our lives and hobbies and sense of humor...that last one was a little scary.

Unfortunately the return to the real world did not hold such open arms, and as I reflect on the last few days, I wonder how I could let things so huge, but inconsequential affect the way I feel about certain things and people.

There are so many factors in where I am at with my life. I just don't know if things will ever line up all at once.

There are people I wish to talk to about this, but as we are all busy, we can never find time at the same time.

And then there's a friend...who needs help, and I want to help him. I do. I just don't know how. I don't know what to do or say, and often revert to my sarcastic sense of humor. I guess at times if could be viewed as I don't care, or am trying to be hurtful, but that's not the case. I must say, however, that I'm sorry for all you've gone through...even the things that I did and didn't play a part in.

Anyway, I think I'll try to get a snippet of sleep before the sun comes up. I hope all of you are doing well, and I wish you all the best.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Wed, 09 Nov 2005 16:44:46 GMT

Interesting comments to the last post. I think that all things said apply to ideal situations and not reality. Some of my friends are still very involved in my life...for others, the process has begun.

This morning had to be one of the worst mornings in my teaching career. I'm so happy that I got a college degree to babysit a study hall full of a group of kids who are rude and incosiderate because they think they can be. I might as well sub and make more money. I have never been so unhappy in both my professional and personal lives.

Answers to the last round of 5 questions...

1. What are you proudest of in you life?

This shouldn't be a difficult question to answer, but it is. There are many things that I'm proud of, and it's difficult to pick just one. But here's the one I'm going with today. No matter how difficult things have become I haven't given up. Now, I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but it is what it is.

2. Who is your hero/role model?

I've had many heroes/role models over the years. To me a hero/role model is someone that impacted my life in one way or another, and they are usually someone who has overcome an enormous amout of adversity. I have a friend that I work with during the summers at DMA. He's actually the boss. He has affected more lives in 30 years than I will probably ever in mylifetime, and my life was one of those. He is a great friend, and through our differences I've come to realize that as an educator I want to be a lot like him.

3. What has been your biggest mistake?

Oh wow. Biggest mistake?? Ever? or of late? Usually my big mistakes come from thinking I could trust certain people and sharing things with them because I thought they were trustworthy, but they weren't and in the end I always get screwed. And people wonder why I don't share things with them!?!?!

4. What do you want people to remember you for after you've died?

Another hard question....I'll not kid myself...I wish people would remember me for the great contributions to the music world and the lives I've changed...however, I think that's not likely to happen. I would, however, like for those people close to me to remember me for the friendships we had and the things that we shared.

5. What is your hearts secret ambition?

If I told you my heart's secret ambition then it would be a secret anymore, would it? Simply stated I think most of all it would be to love and be loved, unconditionally.

Good questions...you made me think!

Now, for some lyrics......
------------------------------------
I'm Not That Girl

Hands touch
Eyes meet
Sudden silence
Sudden heat
Heart's leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy
But I'm not that girls

Don't dream
Too far
Don't lose sight of
Who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
I'm not that girl

Every so often we long to steal
To the land of what might've been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in

Blithe smile
Lithe limb
She who's winsome
She wins him
Gold hair with a gentle curl
That's the girl he chose
And heaven knows
I'm not that girl

Don't wish
Don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and pearl
There's a girl I know
He loves her so
I'm not that girl

-----------------------------------------------
Change one word and that's the story of my life.

Anyway, I should try to get something accomplished.

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Sat, 02 Jul 2005 16:23:59 GMT

More Les Mis

Drink With Me

Drink with me to days gone by
Sing with me the songs we knew.

Here's to pretty girls
Who went to our heads.

Here's to witty girls
Who went to our beds.

Here's to them and here's to you

Drink with me to days gone by
Can it be you fear to die?
Will the world remember you
When you fall
Could it be your death
Means nothing at all?
Is your life just one more lie?

Drink with me
To days
Gone by
To the life
That used
To be
Let the wine of friendship
Never run dry. Here's to you
And here's to me.

Do I care if I should die
Now she goes across the sae?
Life without Cosette
Means nothing at all
Would you weep, Cosette
Should Marius fall?
Will you weep,
Cosette,
For me?

Bring Him Home

God on high
Hear my prayer
In my need
You have always been there
He is young
He's afraid
Let him rest
Heaven blessed.
Bring him home
Bring him home
Bring him home.
He's like the son I might have known
If God had granted me a son
The summers die
One by one
How soon they fly
On and on
And I am old
And will be gone
Bring him peace
Bring him joy
He is young
He is only a boy
You can take
You can give
Let him be
Let him live.
If I die, let me die
Let him live, bring him home
Bring him home
Bring him home

Friday, July 01, 2005

Fri, 01 Jul 2005 20:08:47 GMT

Okay, so, I'm sitting here at my desk working and listening to Les Miserables. I've freaking owned the "complete symphonic recording" for probably like 3 years or so, and I'm just NOW getting around to listening to it. How sad is that?

Anyway, I am listening to Les Mis and there are some great lines that I've heard so far, some of the numbers have made me want to cry ...so I'll probably add them as I go.

(These are bits and pieces of course..too much to type otherwise)

How strange this feeling that my life's begun at last....
In my life
There are so many questions and answers
That somehow seem wrong
In my life
There are times when I catch in the silence
The sigh of a faraway song
And it sings
Of a world that I love to see
Out of reach
Just a whisper away
Waiting for me...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tomorrow we'll discover
What our God in Heaven has in store
One more dawn
One more day
One day more!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And now I'm all alone again
Nowhere to turn, no one to go to
Without a home without a friend
Without a face to say hello to.

And now the night is near, now I can make believe he's here.

Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping.
I think of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head.

On my own
Pretending he's beside me.

All alone I walk with him till morning
Without him
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me.

In the rain the pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me forever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say there's a way for us

I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone, the river's just a river
Without him the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere the streets
Are full of strangers

I love him
But everyday I'm learning
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me his world will go on turning
A world that's funny of happiness that I have never known!
Never known.
I love him, I love him,
I love him, but only on my own
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