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madetolove
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Name: Jen
Birthday: 11/15/1983
Interests: Converstaions, laughing, challenging honest debates
religions, culture, traveling
the usual: faith hope and love,
scrapbooking, journaling, movies, books,
music- I love to sing!
Occupation: Student
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  brooks12458
Member Since:
2/20/2004
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| So much to fear...There is so much to fear...yet so much to hope for in life. Why is it that we are so afraid of life? Some of the final words of Jesus Christ were that he came to give us life and life to the fullest. I believe that this life he is talking about is not a half ass life full of fear and vengeance, but one of passion and courage, maybe even perseverance. The road of life is awful; I'm not going to lie. But there is so much mystery and allure that you can't help but run down it with your hands in a whirl wind hoping to get swept away for a moment that you forget that your have feet in which to walk! Why not get lost? What the hell do we have so much to fear over? I mean really...what doesn't kill you makes you stronger right? So why not? Granted there is something to be said of sound mind and good judgment, but do you think we even use those types of things as a crutch? I'm rambling because I am frustrated that life is not the Hollywood trip I hoped to have signed up for after graduation. I mean honestly, I was handed a piece of paper. They lied to me...they told me it was my ticket to the world. In a way they were right, but they forgot to mention that that ticket would cost me more than I could ever pay, demand more of me then I could ever give, and only offer brief moments of contentment. So back to fear...what is that all about? It's a good thing I have people to balance me out, because at times my world views and passions lift my mind out of my body and I forget that I am tied to the laws of man. I can't always do what I want or get the things I desire and yet I'm told that I'm suppose to be ok with that. Here's the truth, I'm not ok with it all the time. I don't like to cry into my pillow, I don't like to throw up after I've had a drink to many, and I don't like to say goodbye. But these are the realities of my life...so "Ke Garne?" Or" what to do?" I guess roll with the punches and pray to God that the next punch doesn't knock me straight off my ever-running feet...God help me! | | |
| Can't get enough of this everyday love...
Lord God of Heaven above, can it be true that all of life is to know you and love you? If so, then I have really lost sight of what life is. I watched a small child dance the other night. She was an angle in her school Christmas play. She wore a white dress with gold ribbons flowing from her hands and adorning her long brown locks of curls. She smiled as she twirled. She danced her best that night. I wished I could have been her as she moved my soul with every step. It was a moment of utter bliss and peace; this is my holiday prayer. To be lost in something, to be so absorbed in a moment that nothing else in life matters. To be found, held, and loved. It's amazing how when we act, dance, or sing we can be so caught up in the emotion of the moment that you never want that moment to end. We don't want them to end because life can be cruel. I can imagine this is what Mary hoped for the first moment she held heaven in her youthful hands that night in a stable under the cool of a desert sky. Can you imagine the state of the world when Jesus breathed his first breath? I imagine a complete silence, not the deafening kind, but the kind of hope, like the world was without before Jesus but now complete because God now was able to live in creation. Just as I think of his first breath I have to then think of his last. The world responded in a violent earthquake, the curtain that separated the world from the alter of God's presence was torn in two. What a life. To be known by all of creation as the one to save it. All of us are on a journey of discovery. But Jesus never had to find himself. I believe that at times he had to contain himself, not work up the gumption to bold enough to speak. No, he was quite different. He silenced the waves; he ordered demons to be still. He stood face to face with the Devil and yet overcame him as well. He allowed himself to be confined to the cross. He permitted himself to be contained to the law of nature, all the while knowing that he had full authority over it. What a King. He cried with his first breath. He cried at his last. The amazing part of the story is that those tears were for me. For this very moment of feeling alone, dirty, sinful, ashamed, and afraid to enter into the court of worship. Usher me into the court of peace Lord. Slow dance with me. Cherish me. Just as that little girl at the play, watch me as I twirl to the music of my soul. Christmas has become a holiday that truly represents the state of humanity. Just as in all things, we have lost sight. There is a tradition that has slowly misplaced all signs of its first beginnings. So Lord this is my holiday prayer: peace, joy, and bliss, but mostly for remembrance. No gift will satisfy the desires of the world; no light on a house, tree, or light post will shine bright enough to you, no song could say it best, and no food will feed the world’s deepest hunger. So help us to not be lost in these things. Nothing but love will due this Christmas Lord. May I find it, share it, and be found in it.... | | |
| Dear anyone with the answers....What does life look like now that the breast-feeding is over? College was the best experience I have ever had. I could not imagine being me any other way, if that is even a plausible thought. I read a very inspiring thought from a dear friend serving in Peru this morning. The heart of his confession was that love hurts and that in hurting one finds true love. Interesting...but that's not the answer I want. There are so many things I would like to do with my life... travel, sing, find true love, make babies and be a kick-ass mom, help stop aid, world poverty, and abuse...but here I am sitting in a tiny town (with all of these issues) and I find myself being entertained by deceiving lies and twisted hearts...I have to stop and ask WHERE THE PASSION WENT? So to anyone with the answer my question is WHO, WHAT, WHERE, and WHEN? Now that I am out of school it is up to me to find practical ways to apply the lessons learned over the past 4 years of my life...so really my question is who can help me figure me out and get this party train rolling again... | | |
| It's been a very long time since I've written on here, or really reflected on anything to be honest. I moved recently into an old house in downtown Anderson. It's growing on me. It's defiantly not my favorite place to live, but I am trying to save some money so I just need to suck it up. I also quit my job at the chiropractic office. I had my fill there. Actually, I kind of feel like I've had my feel in every aspect of my life, I'm just not sure where to hunker myself down or what to do now that I'm not in school anymore. I'll be teaching at Park Place CHOG in the children's center. I'm excited about it, but not in love either. I don't know what would or will make me happy. I just need to get out of this funk I've been in for about 6 months. I'm amazed at how quickly this past year has flown by. To sum it up I've lived an extremely independent and a slightly wild lifestyle, which has cost me much debt, heartache and physical consequences. I often stop to ask myself if I would change anything. My initial response is "No" and then I tell myself that I have learned valuable life experience through it all, but deep in my heart I cry out "hell ya!" No one likes to be broke, alone, and goal-less with a feeling sometimes of godlessness. (If that's even a word!) But if this is the broken road I need to travel on for a while, I guess I'll try my best to shut up, sit down, and do my best to hold on and keep what little bit of faith that has allowed me to travel thus far. | | |
| I'm not ready yet...
I'm not ready to walk down a road that is known, yet so unfamiliar. It calls to me, it tells me of excitement, eroticism, joy, unspeakable joy, and passion, love. Most of all, it speaks of life. "But I'm not ready yet" I tell the alluring voice. "I'm afraid to leave the comforts I am so accustom to. I'm not ready to venture out on my own. My wings have only just begun to gain strength, and I only have enough vigor to go a short distance. The road you speak of sounds endless. My heart is broken, I only know how to react to life, not respond."
"Sweet child," the voice answers. "There is no room for fear here. The journey I speak of is dangerous, but there is strength and comfort for you. Trust me."
"You don't understand, " I cried, "you don't know the pain I feel just thinking of leaving. You speak of joy; I think I know I joy here. Why do I have to leave to find it?"
"Because the joy you speak of is only partial. There is so much more beyond the safety of these walls, why can't you trust?"
"I do trust. Or at least I thought I did, but the kind of trust you speak of is unknown to me. How do you trust something you can only dream of. I have no guarantee. The cost is too high for my feeble wages. I would be known, and that just isn't safe. To be known means to be seen, and to be visible means that all my shame will be known."
"I will take your shame. I know of a way to bring you wholeness. Do you trust me?"
"Yes, but I'm not ready yet. I'm afraid. All I know is here, and no matter how many times I have tried before, I always end up here. I long for the things that you speak of, but I...."
"I will take you. I know the way. Do you trust me?"
“I… yes…but…wait…”
“I have you, I am the way. Trust me.” | | |
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