Oh goodness. The story of my engagement. Im gonna have to think about this. (Casey, if I tell this sotry you HAVE to finally tell the story of Avery's birth!!!!!!!)

Okay. this is a loooong weird story so get your reading glasses on!!! I suggest copying and pasting this on to word or something because it is a long read, and we all know my xanga layout it hard to read.

In september 2007 Matt and I went to Russell Kansas to visit Matt's grandparent's (Dave and Mary Goodyear!) Russell is waaaay west and there is nothing to do there, so one of the days we went to Salina to go shopping at the mall. We were just killing time and Matt says to me "Do you want to go look at rings??" and Im like "....uhh YES." So, obviously I've been thinking about my ideal ring for a long time. I had in mind exactly what I wanted. We went to Zales, Kay, and Gordan's, there were pretty rings at all of those stores, just nothing that I had in mind. The last jewelry store we went in was Riddle's. We looked around for a while and then all of the sudden I found it!!! THE EXACT RING I WANTED!!! I showed it to Matt, and of course tried it on, the sales lady told us all about the sales they were having. You know the drill. We left after that and I didnt think much of it. When I got home I went online and looked at it. I loved this ring. I even printed off a picture of it and carried it around with me. I knew I wouldn't get it though. It was too expensive, and Matt really wanted to wait until afer he graduated and worked for a while before getting married.

A couple weeks later Matt and I were at his parents house and we were in the computer room. That room has two desks in it. One with the computer, and one on the other side of the room where Matt's dad does bill paying and book keeping and such. Matt was hogging the computer- as usual, so I was waiting for him to get off of it at the other desk. I opened the top drawer looking for a good pen so I could doodle and in that drawer are all of the bills. One of them caught my eye, it was Matt's Cabela's Card statement. He is obsessed with this card, because he looooooves Cabela's points. He buys everything (EVERYTHING) on this card so he can accumulate points, and then at the end of every month he pays it off. Smart boy he is. So being the curious/nosey person I am I got it out and looked it it because I wanted to know what his credit limit was. SO, I start reading the statement and sure enough, there is a charge on there to from Riddle's Jewelry store!!! So I panic for a second and put it back in the drawer. I can't get caught reading it!!eeeeeeeee. So later that night when everyone was asleep I snuck back up there and got it out and read it (okay, you can't blame me. I already saw it, I just had to know the details. You would have done it too.) Sure enough about a week after were were in Salina Matt bought that ring!! Well, I assumed it was the ring. I mean, what else would he buy from that particular jewelry store for that amount. Now I start freaking out, Im like dancing around saying "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEE" It was a good day.

Okay, so now I have to come up with a plan. Matt CANNOT know that I know! So the plan is to act normal. Let me tell you, easier said than done!! The nexy day I was super lovey dovey and I didn't even mean to. I just had love seeping out of every pore!!! But Matt was suspiscious. He was like "why are you being so affectionate?? What is IN to you!!" So I KNEW I had to cut it out, but how??!? I was sooo excited, and I knew a HUGE SECRET!! I decided that I had to tell someone. If I didn't get it out of my system, I would explode. Here were the options. I could tell my mom, but she would get on to me "MADISON!! YOU ARE TOO NOSEY! YOU RUINED HIS SUPRISE, YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED." So, not her. I could tell my BFF Sarah, but she is waaaaaay to rational and level headed. She is the type that always plays the devil's advocate, so I knew she would just be like "Now Madison, don't get to excited. It might not be your ring. Maybe it's a gift for his mom. Don't get ahead of yourself!" I wanted someone to be as excited as me!! I couldn't tell my bff Joslyn because even though she intentionally tell him if I asked her not too, there was always a CHANCE (just a small chance) that David would accidentally tell Matt, and even though it wasn't likely I wasn't willing to risk it. (I may have evenually told her aboout it, I don't remember though.) So I decided to tell my bff Marie. She would be totally stoked for me, and would never, ever tell anyone. I told her all about it. It felt gooooooooooood to get it out!!

A couple weeks later (October 26th, 2007) I was falling asleep at Matt's parent's house (that's where I used to stay on the weekends before I got a house in Fort Scott) and Matt knocks on the door and comes in. He tosses my cell phone on the bed and says "so you think you're getting a ring, huh?" I was partially asleep, and I was all "huh??" He said "yeah, I was reading your text messages (we like to read each other's text messages btw) and you were talking to Marie about a ring." At this point in my head I KNEW I had been caught! I forgot to delete my incriminating text messages!!!! I made up some dumb lie. I was like "oh this girl Mindy at my work got engaged and we were talking about her ring........" He didn't buy it for a second. So we go at it for a little bit "tell me","tell you what..." Finally I say "Matt. Stop. Just leave it alone." He pretends like he is a 5 year old and was like "waaa you are keeping a secret from me!" and ran out of the room. So, I lay there for a little while thinking "Okay, how do I handle this....STUPID! you should have deleted those texts!!!" I decided just to go in his room and see what happened. I went in there and he was like "so how did you find out??" and I just told him about the bill. He laughed and said it was okay, and then he said this (not too romantic..) "You wanna see it??" I was like "NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! I WANT YOU TO PURPOSE!!! Matt, don't do it!! I'm sure you had a plan and Im sorry I ruined itttttttt." But he wasn't listening, he was just grinning. He went over to the closet and told me to sit down. He got the ring box out of it's hiding place and took the ring out and put it in his pocket (which I think is funny, since he was just about to give it to me.) He came over, got on one knee and said "Madison, I love you very much. Will you be my wife??" He put the ring on my finger, and it was of course the one I wanted from Salina. I have him a big kiss and I said yes!!! It wasn't what most people would call perfect, but I think it was perfect because if you know Matt and I we are always snooping around it each other's business. Also, I think anyting really elaborate and romantic would have just embarassed me, because we aren't mushy and it just would have felt fake.

That's pretty much it. We talked for a loooong time afterwards about when, and where, and who, ya know. All the details. He had to call my Dad the next day because he was planning on asking him when we went up the next weekend, but obviously it didn't work out like that. My dad said yes. :) We lived happily ever after. The end.

WHOA THAT WAS LLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNGGGGGGG. Good job for reading all of that!

SO I've been in this mood lately.. and I can't seem to kick it. I guess Im going to let it all out on the internet.

I feel like all of my life I have been constantly living in a state of anticipation. Like I have always been looking ahead to the "next big thing." So much that I don't feel like I ever really have been able to enjoy the here and now. As I look back all I can remember about myself is waiting. Waiting to be in highschool, waiting to have a boyfriend, waiting for graduation, waiting for college, waiting to be engaged... just waiting. I know it's normal to be excited about the future, but I don't feel like this is normal. I look back and it makes me sad because I don't feel like I have ever really appreciated or cherished the time I was in, and now when I look back I really miss those times. I miss driving around in Bartlesville with Laurie, I miss being in CA KE MA with Casey and Kelli, and I really miss living with Joslyn in out coolio town house and hanging out with Monikka and Marie like everyday. I miss those times because they were fun, and we really were so care free. But mostly I miss them because at the time I was so annoyed about being young and all I could think about was the future. Well, guess what guys.. the future is now, and being a grown up isn't all I had it cracked up to be. Every stage in your life is so temporary. I am just so tired of change. I want the old times back.

I'm not having second thoughts by any means, but I'm just not as excited about my wedding as I thought I'd be at this point. My wedding is in 66 days, and the thought doesn't phase me at all. It seems like my whhooooolllle life has been leading up to this day (August 2nd) and now it dosent seem reel. I don't feel excited. You know what? I really, really miss my family. It freaks me out to think that it won't be the same dynamic once I am married. Right now I am just the older daughter that lives in Kansas. I could come back at any time. But once I am married I have my own family. I mean, I know they are still my mom and dad, and they will still be my brother's and sister... it's just so weird. All I have ever wanted is my own family, and now I'm freaking out. I want to be 16 again.

It is also so strange to me that when Matt and I am married, I will inherite a new family. I have tried SO hard to get close with them, and let them in... but I'm sorry. Matt's family is NOT my family. I feel like I am just their daughter by default, and when they are around my family it just feels like they are tollerating them. It really upsets me.

Help me guys. What is happening to me. Is this normal? I have all of these feelings that are so unknown to me. I don't know how to translate them. I really don't feel like this has anything to do with Matt, and I think anyone that knows me and matt as a couple will realize this. If you don't know us then its not really your place to be making assumptions about our relationship, because that's not what this post is about. SOoooo....  you guys are all married. Does this sound famillar to anyone?? Am I all alone??