first of all, it is my two year anniversary...
                                                                      with xanga!

now onto something of slightly more substance (though, i must warn you, my vagueness may hinder your ability to ascertain whether what follows is actually substantive). 

i am fluent in english and korean, conversational in french on a good day, and i plan on picking up a bit of hindi or be able to fake a good british accent by the time i'm finished with college.  regardless, i hardly consider myself a connoisseur of languages. 

with that in mind, please excuse any errors - be they grammar-related, tonal, etc.  if there are any, we can both blame babelfish.

hmm. 

friday the 13th.

my realizations for the day?  cliches, though sometimes true, are paradoxically contradictory.  think about it.

     life sucks and then you die.     live and let live.

     when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.     shit happens.

     life goes on.     when the pony dies, the ride is over. (a bit obscure, i realize)

     practice makes perfect.     nobody's perfect.

     look before you leap.     he who hesitates is lost.

     the best things in life are free.     you get what you paid for.

     birds of a feather flock together.     opposites attract.

i hope everyone enjoys their friday the 13th.  it's my favorite number.  :o)

Currently Playing Bang Bang By Dispatch see related

yes, that's right.  i'm that sappy guy who writes entry after entry about his travails in the matters of love and life.  but i have an excuse!  i'm korean.  korean guys are inherently sappy and emotional apparently, eh, roy?  and isn't that what xanga and other blogs are for?

     1.  for me to vent my emotions and the happenings in my life 

     2.  for the people i know (and the random ones that i don't know) to be amused (or in 
          this case, hopefully sympathetic) by my entries
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"it seems like nothing's happened until i've shared it with you..."
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so much has happened in the past week as a result of my efforts to keep busy in order to keep my mind off of things and also a realization that i've been neglecting my friends recently.  my apologies, and i hope you understand.

a segue...
i feel like god's shitting on my face these days.  since lauren and i broke up, there've been a series of events that have not exactly gone in my favor.  last thursday, for example, i wake up in a state of shock, realize that i don't have any cigarettes left, so i walk to the convenience store.  as i reach into my back pocket to pay for my camels and my arizona sweet tea... shit, where's my wallet?  i walk back to my house, get my wallet, and i go back and pay for my purchase.  then i get back to my house, i reach into my pocket once more...shit, where are my keys?!  luckily, roy saved my ass and said i could chill at his house until one of my housemates came home.

then on friday, i went up to boston with aaron, mike, and naveed for the dispatch concert.  i parked my car at my house in new brunswick and walked to the train station.  realizing that i hadn't eaten anything all day, i stopped by a deli down the street from the station.  after i paid, i walk outside, and at that exact moment, the heavens opened up and released the rains.  having no choice but to endure the rain in order to catch my train, i ran.  ultimately, the five minutes that it has rained in new brunswick in days was when i had to be outside.  i was soggy like a cheerio in milk all the way up to boston.

saturday, there was nothing major that happened (aside from an email that i received that i later interpreted as not being such a big deal).  aaron, mike, naveed, me and co. went to the dispatch concert, which was effin' off the hook.  some report 110,000 people being there + angel's bike. 

sunday morning was a bit of a trip.  so rose, who was up in boston for the dnc and the concert, hung out with us at aaron's on saturday night.  the thing is, she had a 930 flight the next morning, and she had to get from medford, into boston to get her luggage, then to the airport.  she wakes me up at 630 and asks me - what do i do?  how am i supposed to know?  eventually we end up calling a cab.. but for some reason the cab didn't come for an hour!  what was the reason?  because rose forgot to mention that she was in medford and not in boston.  arg.  so the cab shows up like 5 minutes later.  what irked me was that rose was getting very upset at one point, so i tried to comfort her.  but what do i get in return?  a snide comment:  you were unhappy last night, i have a right to be unhappy now.  wait... to be irresponsible and risk missing a plane and  losing someone that you love are very different things, right?  i thought so.

on top of everything else, when i got back to aaron's house after waiting outside with rose, i had locked myself out.  shit.  i must've rang that doorbell a hundred times.  nada.  but can i blame the people in the house for not answering?  it was somewhere in the vicinity of 7-8 am.  so i walk to the 7-11 to grab a pink lemonade and pass the time...god, thinking that i'd enjoyed myself at the concert more than he would've liked, decides to rain on me once again.  thanks, Big Guy, you're a pal.  finally, i end up ringing the doorbell of the downstairs apartment, where aaron's landlord lives, who was kind enough not to kill me for ringing his doorbell at 8 am and let me in. 

monday was pretty uneventful. 

then comes late monday into very early on tuesday... i think the shock of breaking up with lauren was wearing off.  enter: confusion and pain.  the result was feeling very melancholy and antsy.  it got worse at 1-2 am when i started feeling like i wanted to be somewhere else... it didn't matter where, just not here.  then angel calls me around 2:30 to say hi and tell me that she'd just come home.  eureka!  i asked her what she was up to, and at 3 am i hightailed it up to boston.

i got into boston at 8 am, slept until noon, then hung out with angel at 4 when she got back from her internship.  we had a great time just walking around and chatting.  we got the most delicious smoothies, i bought two pairs of steve madden shoes (both a comfort and impulse buy), oogled the puma sneaks at the puma store, squeezed tomatoes at shaw's, and we capped off the night at an asian fusion restaurant called typhoon.  mmm...i recommend the thai pineapple fried rice with shrimp. 

i got a call from maria that afternoon asking if i wanted to be a replacement director for nhsmun.  but wait, that means that i have to be in new york tomorrow afternoon, but i'm in boston now... crap.  so i'm now in new brunswick, following a 4.5 hour drive that was completed at 2:30 am and followed by crashing at my parents' house.  but here i am now, getting ready to pack and ready for a busy 4 days.

 | attn:  my heart has been upgraded from broken to aching |

i talked to lauren on tuesday afternoon when angel was still at her internship.  i had initially called because i had some things that i needed from her computer, but we ended up talking about us somehow.  i think the conversation was good in that i was able to get a lot of things off of my chest, and i think that she really understands how i feel and that i am really sorry for everything. 

i still can't completely rationalize it all in my mind... i love her.  and i don't mean in that nostalgic way that you always love someone you've loved once...  but in a "i want you to always be a part of my life, i can tell you anything, you make me smile like no one else does, if you're sad then i'm sad, when i think about you even the cheesiest of love songs make sense" kind of way.  must be the korean in me.

two points for honesty (guster)

"if that's all you will be, you'll be a waste of time.
you've dreamed a thousand dreams - none seem to stick in your mind.
two points for honesty,
it must make you sad to know that nobody cares at all."

i want to be where i've never been before,
i want to be there and then i'd understand.
know i'm right and do it right - could i get to be like that?
i'll know what i don't know with nothing more to gain.

will i get better or stay the same?
i find i always move too slowly.
can't lift a finger, can't change my mind...
i never knew 'till someone told me that,

"if that's all you will be, you'll be a waste of time.
you've dreamed a thousand dreams - none seem to stick in your mind.
two points for honesty,
it must make you sad to know that nobody cares at all."

and all the people who've seen it all before,
and all the people who really understand,
know they're right and have done it right - could i get to be like that?
i'll know what i don't know, it's harder every day.

can't lift a finger, can't hurt a fly.
i've found i always move too slowly.
one thing's for certain - i'm insecure.
i never knew 'till someone told me that,

"if that's all you will be, you'll be a waste of time.
you've dreamed a thousand dreams - none seem to stick in your mind.
two points for honesty,
it must make you sad to know that nobody cares at all.
nobody cares at all,
they never care at all."
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differences in tone, variations in semantics never meant so much before.  was i in denial or (foolishly) optimistic?  weak or vulnerable?  naive or idealistic?  i just don't understand how something that thought might never end comes to a screeching halt because of trivial words and (in)actions.  how does that boyz ii men song go?... "let's not wait 'til the water runs dry.  we'll make the biggest mistake of our lives, don't do it, baby.."  love is fickle, isn't it? 

and now i'm just picking up the pieces... a moment of silence please for my broken heart:

...

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a few poetic yet ambiguous words on the subject:

i cry for the aborted memories of tomorrow
when we sipped chai tea
your kisses were free
and the only thing that you made me think was impossible
was that we would never be

but the salty reminder of untapped potential
and highway roads with dead ends
hits
a
nerve

i miss you

but the past is history
the present is yesterday
and the future is today

then what of tomorrows?
this must be where possibilities lies
when we shall lie with our legs entwined
the stars aligned
your love finally mine

only then
will we have a future
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everyone who still loves me, raise your hand.  each of you owes me a hug.