I JUST WANT MY LIFE TO BE NORMAL.

counting 3 ...2... 1

There are 15 people staying at my house. We will be having around 30 over for New Year's.

I somehow managed to surround myself with people at all times for the past couple of months. Family, friends, children, boys...

I've never felt SO alooooone.

I move to Plano in about 3 days. I do not want to go. Friends: I better not get replaced!! If I come home on the weekends and you guys don't hang out with me I WILL BE PISSED. And you should all go visit me and Sebastian sometime (as long as you aren't sick). I shall return in May, and most weekends.

Come on in, I've got to tell you what a state I'm in.

No more looking for warning signs.

I need to be a drummer.

Glasses? I think they look nice. Maybe.

Moving to Plano in January....I'm going to be a mom. Only from 6am-4pm on weekdays. Until May.

My back is killing me.

God must've been having a bad day when I was made.

I'm loving angels instead.

My whole family (mom's side) is getting together for New Year's at my house. That's great, and I haven't seen most of them in about 2 years so I'm excited. However, I know that dreaded question will be asked at least once by everyone. "Do you have a boyfriend?" Unfortunately the answer is always the same: "no." And then they look at me funny and ask "why not?" Well here's your answer... 

I always want what I can't have just because I can't have it.

What is right in front of me could be amazing....but I never give it a chance because it's right in front of me. I've never been one to need a boyfriend to be happy. I'm happy just like this. I don't need a male in my life. I never have. I love my life the way it is. Yea, I've kinda "fallen" for a couple of guys in the past, but I never was ready for, or wanted a relationship.

I made a list a long time ago in my journal (like all girls do) about the guy I'm looking for. Here it is...

I will fall inlove with the one who sings to me "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic" by The Police. Someone who will hold my hand even though they are cold or sweaty.
Sees the sparkles in my eyes.
Tells me I'm pretty and means it
.Appreciates my clothing style.
Can make me laugh when i'm having a terrible day.
Will let me cry as much as I want,and will hold me while I am crying, and won't care that I look ugly when I cry.
Someone who will let me fall asleep in their arms, and kiss my forehead when i have finally fallen asleep.
A guy who won't call me everyday and will give me time to miss him.
Sends me messages every now and then wishing me a good day.
Has a nice smile.
Holds my face when we kiss.
Teaches me something new.
Knows I am smarter than what I let people see.
Gets my mood swings.
Will get over fights as quickly as I do.
Gets me a teddy bear for my birthday
Looks me in the eye when I talk.
Can keep a conversation going.
Won't mind my blonde moments.
Tells me I smell nice.
Will never get clingy
.Knows I need my space.
Gets along with my friends.
Respects my cat((lol! I actually wrote this..??))
Can listen to the same music I listen to.
Someone with talent.
Respects animals and nature.
Doesn't comment about me not eating meat.
Thinks my body is fine the way it is.
Will slow dance with me, even if there's no music
Has pretty eyes. 

I shall be alone forever. And I'm almost ok with that. Surprisingly enough some guys have actually done some of these...

=(

Top 5 song lyrics that best describe you (me)

I'm so tired of being shy
I'm not that girl anymore
I'm not that straight A anymore
now I wanna sit with my legs wide open and laugh so loud that
the whole damn restaurant will turn and look at me
"look at the tiger jumping out of her mouth"

I felt for sure last night
that once we said goodbye
no one else will know these lonely dreams
no one else will know that part of me
I'm still driving away
and I'm sorry every day
I wont always love these selfish things
I wont always live
not stopping

Heaven help me for the way I am
save me from these evil deeds before I get them done
I know tomorrow brings the consequence at hand
but I keep living this day like the next will never come

Far away
the ship is taking me far away
far away from the memories
of the people who care if I live or die
Starlight
I will be chasing a starlight
until the end of my life
I don't know if it's worth it anymore
and hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
you in my arms


Ooh, you see that skin?
it's the same she's been standing in
since the day she saw him walking away
now she's left
cleaning up the mess he made
so fathers, be good to your daughters
daughters will love like you do
girls become lovers who turn into mothers
so mothers, be good to your daughters too

baby i quit
I just can't fake it anymore
i'm a dull, jaded, selfish, abusive
disfunctional fuck-up
i needed to be rescued
i'm stranded on myself
and i can't escape from this island i made
i'm afraid i never will

And I came to believe in a power much higher than I
I came to believe that I needed help to get by
in childlike faith I gave in and gave him a try
and I came to believe in a power much higher than I

if this is right
i'd rather be wrong
if this is sight
i'd rather be blind

I couldn't do just 5...i lose.