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| | theological traumaThere's a lot of reasons why I finally got connected with a counselor
to start working through some of the crisis of the last few
months. But in our conversations a lot of debris from the mission
field has surfaced. What seemed like a small blip in routine
exploded into an intense intrapersonal (does that mean within myself)
conflict about my ability to be in successful relationships with people
and handle conflict. As I've talked through why this happened, I've
tracked back to inevitable development glitches (?) based on my
environment--and by my interaction with that environment--as a
missionary kid. And last night as I was reflecting on it, the
term 'theological trauma' came to mind. I don't know if that's a
term I'm allowed to use, but I would like to use it and explore it a
little bit.
I do not regret growing up overseas or growing up in a missionary
environment. But I'm realizing that the theology that shaped me
as I grew up has in many ways negatively influenced how I've
experienced life since I've been back to the States. To go into
the details of this would probably take too long and will take away
from the best-seller book that I will one day write. But I've
been trying to figure out why I live in this tension between
desperately wanting to step out and be a leader and feeling incredibly
unqualified and unable to be a leader. My family has often been
guilty of having a 'woe is me' complex about us, and we've each had to
deal with that differently. But as I was talking about where this
comes from, I realized that is goes deeper than just 'it's the way my
family is.' I was told that people who have a hard time affirming
themselves often feel like they have to perform in order to receive
affirmation from others. So who is it that I've been trying to
impress all my life who I am continually unable to fully please?
For most of my life it's been God, if I've been honest.
My understanding of God as I grew up was that God loves me, but I
better make sure I'm confessing all my sins and acknowledging my
imperfections. Time and time again I was asked to analyze my life
and admit to God areas of selfishness, pride, insecurity, prejudice,
lust, etc. And if I couldn't name any, it meant I wasn't being
honest with myself or with God because I'm an awful sinner and those
things are part of me. And inasmuch as Jesus died on the cross so
I could get into heaven, in the meantime I better do all I can to get
my relationship with God back on track. Have I taken the stand to
recommit my life to Jesus? Was that recommitment real or do I
need to do it again? Am I really being a good enough witness in
my life? Was I spending enough time in the Word? Was I
loving my neighbors the right way? Images of candle-lit chapels,
sanctuaries, dorm living rooms and assembly rooms filled with soft
flowing music and an adult passing out paper and saying, "whatever it
is that's keeping you from God, write it down. it's just between
you and God, and nobody will ever need to know. But you need to
deal with it so you can experience God's love for you" role like a
montage of movie clips through my mind. And what did that do to
my sense of self? I'd wrack my brain for something wrong with me
that was keeping me from God, and I'd resolve to do better and make
better choices. And gradually I didn't need the music, the candle
lights and the convicting words of an adult to feel like there was
something not quite right about me. I tried so hard to 'be good'
and earn the affirmation of those around me--and I got it. I got
good grades, I followed the rules, and I signed up for every committee
I could fit into my schedule. I never questioned authority and I
never thought to push against the system. I received honors and
awards for my performance of life.
But finally, it was not the affirmation of adults that I felt I never
got. Indeed, adults have affirmed me throughout my life. I
never questioned my parents' love for me, and generally had good
relationships with my dorm parents and teachers (albeit usually
temporary and surface). Even as I got to college, I performed and
succeeded. Since college I have successfully floated from job to
job, in and out of seminary, and have received affirmation each step of
the way.
But in the back of my mind a little voice, that often is surrounded by
familiar missionary faces, asks me, "is this REALLY what GOD wants for
you, or are you doing this for your SELF? 'Cuz if it's not what
God wants, it's the wrong thing." Or, more likely, the voice
asks, "Are you REALLY doing your best? 'Cuz God wants us to do
our best, you know." And so I question my self and constantly
feel like God is probably disappointed in what I'm doing...and in who I
am. So my default self-perception is that I am unqualified and
unlovable and that people are just putting up with me, but would truly
be better off if I wasn't around.
Now, I know in my head that this is not true. But when I am in
crisis or conflict, my natural tendancy is to take the blame and feel
like I am the one responsible for changing to please other people or
make the conflict go away. So, as a result, this year I quit a
job instead of standing up to my supervisor to advocate for the kids I
was working with. And I almost moved out of my own house instead
of standing up for my right to be treated with respect and dignity.
But my emerging theology and self-perception says that this is not how
it has to be. God doesn't wait for me to confess all my sins and
imperfections before allowing me into God's presence. God doesn't
wait for me to end my time as a human before truly rejoicing with me in
who I am. Instead, God enters into humanity for the sake of
humanity. In fact, because of the person of Jesus, my humanity
becomes an image of who God is. So I don't have to be ashamed of
my humanity--how I look, the jobs I take, the decisions I make.
Those things are part of who I am as an image of God. And being
confident in my humanity is what it means to celebrate who God has made
me to be...and who Jesus died to redeem. This means it's okay to
stand up to people and say, "you can't do that to me...or to
others" And it means I can trust myself and take the risk of
saying to my supervisor "there is a better way of teaching/interacting
with kids." This means it's okay to be sad, angry, frustrated,
and discouraged. But, and more importantly, it's also okay to be happy and confident in my ability (and right) to BE in the world. And
because humanity is not disconnected from who God is, who we are as
humans is very important--how we interact with each other, with those
in need, and with our world is VERY important. So as a human I am
not passively existing until the day when I will experience TRUE LIFE
in Heaven. Instead, I should actively engage in life NOW.
Let me always remember, like a good Lutheran, that as much as humans
are an image of God, God is not limited by who humans are. This
is the 'now and not yet' eschatological understanding of redemption.
(yeah, that's a lot of theological mumbo-jumbo :)!) In Jesus'
death and resurrection, humanity received redemption and was reconciled
to God. But humanity is still broken. And so we wait for
the day when all that Jesus saw should be actually will be. And
so, I gather regularly with others and together we confess that we are
sinners and that we have sinned. But I am also reminded of two
very important promises--the promise of Life offered through baptism
and the promise of forgiveness received through Communion. So if
I am in a candle-lit room and someone is asking me to write my sins on
a piece of paper, I begin to write knowing that my relationship with
God is not at risk. yes, I have things to work out with
God. But it's not a 'work them out or you're out,' sort of
thing. Instead, it's a 'we're in this together, so let's work it
out...but I'm not going anywhere' This is a DRASTICALLY different
way of looking at conflict and crisis.
So yes--I credit most of my personal, emotional and theological
development to the mission field. There I learned that God calls
me to take God seriously and do something about who God is and what God
wants in the world. There I learned that God is working in and
through me and wants me to be open to that working. There I
learned that God sees more in me than I see in myself. But, I
also credit a lot of my theological 'issues' to the mission
field.
Well, I've now managed to actively avoid engaging in my human
responsibility to my identity as a student (i.e., I've put off doing
homework). I know many people have done studies of the influences
of the missionary world on missionary kids. And I'm convinced
those who have never been missionary kids but who've grown up in the
church in the States have experienced theological trauma of their
own. And I don't think that ALL missionary kids experience the
mission field as theologically traumatizing, nor do all 'American
church' kids experience theological trauma here. But, for me,
there are aspects of my life that bear theological trauma scars...and
I'm beginning to work through those.
| | | Posted 5/9/2008 5:18 PM - 0 comments
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