You're only king once

I've written nothing of substance, if anything at all, for some time.  My absence hasn't been as much due to inactivity as it's been to a complete loss of expression.  This year has been a tough one, albeit a new type of difficulty, so I'm not sure if I'm more at ease because existence is getting easier or that I'm welcoming a new breed of disaster.  Regardless of why, it would appear that I'm handling the world around me, and myself, much better.  So it seems.  It could be my age.  God, I'm older than I thought I'd ever be.

The majority of my posts are either protected or private, practically (because I'm teaching), but also because I'm uncomfortable broadcasting what used to bring me no shame.  I've sanctioned myself into a safeplace where I have few close friends, which I consider a positive development.  Eliminating extra people eliminates drama, and I've had a fair share of my own without a single outside interference.  I've adopted minimalism in my possessions and now my social life, and the simplicity it brings is comforting.

In fact, all of my current apprehension centers around the weeks of free time I have.  Life without structure is an imminent threat; the innerworkings of my overactive mind won't allow me to relax.  Since I can remember I've worked a job (or two) and gone to school.  The preoccupation with mini-goals kept me sane.  Everything had a time table that left no allowance for thinking, the type of overanalysis bullshit that has kept me up night after night.  Now, with this time I have, and much of it spent alone, I sit and I think.  Some thoughts come full-circle...others take me to a very ugly place.

I have settled.  Finally.  I have a job, a tolerable job, and a plan (sort of).  But the time tables that I once lived for are meaningless...I have the utmost confidence that a certain course of events will take place in my life, but I don't know when.  And, as it has been before, my youth is a destructive force - if I don't see a direct purpose or the possibility of an immediate happening, I label whatever it might be as fleeting and move on.  I move on fast, too.  I've never understood why a person as passionate as I am can shed something I adore just as quickly as I latched onto it in the first place.  Sometimes when I think about who I am at certain points I can't even recognize who the hell she is.

If you told me this was where I'd be at 24 years old, or if this was who I'd be at 24 years old, it wouldn't have made any sense.  But I'm through defending myself and making excuses.  I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish some things had gone differently, or if I didn't wish I'd made other choices.  I've spent so. much. time. waiting, and for what?  In moments of delirious happiness my thoughts bring me right back down to melancholy, and I'm damn sick of it.  Any other time I'd suggest to myself a change of scenery and pack my (literal and metaphorical) bags, but this time I just can't.  Because I don't want to.  Or am I getting old and tired?

Or it's quite possible that it's a rough night, and the world will look much nicer in the morning.

You built a house of cards
And got shocked when you saw them fall

There are stories of coincidence and chance and intersections and strange things told, and which is which and who only knows?  And we generally say, "Well, if that was in a movie, I wouldn't believe it."  Someone's so-and-so met someone else's so-and-so and so on.  And it is in the humble opinion of this narrator that strange things happen all the time.  And so it goes, and so it goes.  And the book says:

"We may be through with the past, but the past ain't through with us."

---

Put your iTunes on shuffle.  Skip to the next song for each answer.  No cheating.  Stolen from someone who in turn stole it from the Native Americans.  And Papi.

How am I feeling today?
It Takes a Lot to Laugh, It Takes a Train to Cry - Bob Dylan

Will I get far in life?
Destitute Illusion - Jamiroquai
(HAHAHAHA.)

How do my friends see me?
For No One - Peter Mulvey

Where will I get married?
Atlantic City - Bruce Springsteen
(OK, that's just weird.)

What is my best friend's theme song?
Shine a Light - Rolling Stones

What is the story of my life?
I'm Lonely (But I Ain't That Lonely Yet) - White Stripes

What was high school like?
These Are My People - Johnny Cash

How can I get ahead in life?
Wreck of the Day - Anna Nalick

What is the best thing about me?
Chocolate Jesus - Tom Waits

How is today going to be?
Let's Not Shit Ourselves (To Love or to Be Loved) - Bright Eyes

What is in store for this weekend?
Seaside - The Kooks

What song describes my parents?
In My Secret Life - Leonard Cohen

To describe my grandparents?
Romeo and Juliet - Dire Straits

How is my life going?
Farewell Angelina - Bob Dylan

What song will they play at my funeral?
Lost Cause - Beck

How does the world see me?
So Long Marianne - Leonard Cohen

Will I have a happy life?
Dream World - The End
(More HAHA.)

What do my friends really think of me?
Un Fantasma Tra Noi (A Ghost Between Us) - Lacuna Coil

Do people secretly lust after me?
Famous Blue Raincoat - Leonard Cohen

How can I make myself happy?
Journey through the Past - Neil Young

What should I do with my life?
Kiss - Prince

Will I ever have children?
 Have You Ever Seen the Rain? - Creedence Clearwater Revival

What is some good advice for me?
Mexico - Jump Little Children

How will I be remembered?
The First Cut Is the Deepest - Cat Stevens

What is my signature dancing song?
Sweet Jane - Velvet Underground

What do I think my current theme song is?
Change Your Mind - The Killers

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
Then I'll Be Smiling - Matt Nathanson

What type of (wo)men do you like?
Waiting for a Superman - Iron and Wine