Part 1: DEATH

This post is about death and hope.  On Tuesday my grandmother on my father's side died.  I got the call from my Aunt Kathrine and I had to track down the number to a Fiji Island resort where my parents were staying and give them the bad news.  It was a stressful few days.  The service was today and neither my parents nor myself was able to attend, being that my parents were in Australia, and that I was taking care of the dog.  These turn of events has made me think about death and life.  Here are some thoughts:

I find it amazing how unemotional I was concerning the death of a loved one.  Recently I read "The Lessons of Don Juan" by Carlos Castenada and he mentions some thought on death that I have carried with me.  Don Juan protrays death as a constant companion, something that is always over your shoulder, something that is to be understood so that you can "Stop the World".  He develops a philosophy apart of which is this idea of death.  Death is always with us for we are finite beings living in an impermant phenoumenal reality.  Death is something that should not be feared, and when death comes, should not be something to mourn over.  Death can come to us at anytime and we must make each and every moment count. 

When thinking about my grandmother, it was simply her time to go.  She danced with death and death took her.  I am reminded of a moment when I took a life and what that meant to me.  I was running a few weeks ago when I saw a mouse running across the road, and before I could react and move out of the way, my foot landed on the mouse.  I saw the mouse twitch and in pain, so I took a rock and threw it and the mouse instantly killing it.  This moment stuck with me because I believe that I should respect and love all living beings and to not injure or kill them.  So when I took that mouses life, I was sad.  But I was reminded of Don Juan and his teachings, that death is always with us and that it is something that should not be feared but respected.  It was that mouse's time, and Death was waiting, and even before my foot hit it, Death was there.  So I do not mourn my actions, for my actions were not based on hate.  Likewise, I do not mourn my grandmothers passing because Death was waiting and finally touched her on the shoulder.

This has just been on my mind so I need to write it down.  I have noticed that many people have been wierded out by my increased intrest in spirituality and I can understand why.  Most people that I know are disillousened by God through the fundementlist religions that are so apparent in our culture.  And I am not an exception to these people.  For most of my life I was an athest, I thought the idea of God and Spirit was ludicrous, the only thing that was real was material things and that when we die, we die, and that is it.  No light, no afterlife, just death and that is it.  Then I became an agnostic, knowing that I can not know these things and that I should not rush to judge a certain idea or view point. 

But lately I have been becoming more spiritual, not religious but spiritual.  I keep my agnostic beliefs but have become more open in the divine and transendental.  People get freaked out when I prey or meditate or start talking about the Self, but I will not make excuses for the the way I am.  I am simply discovering myself, and I will not be ashamed of this. 

In fact, discovering the spirit within me was the one thing that saved my life.  I recently went through a serious depressive period in my life and felt very alone.  My parents were not really there for me, and most of my friends were not there for me either.  My parents took the easy way out and simply blamed what was happening with me on my ex, and refused to believe that they had a role to play in my depression.  I felt that I could not talk to them, and in a real way I couldn't.  So I felt isolated from my parents.  Also my friends, whom I thought were my friends, were not really my friends.  They simply used me for a pot connection, and when I had some issues, they weren't there for me.  In fact most of my "friends" in life used me for their own purposes and didn't really give a shit about me. 

Not to say that I don't have any friends, I have learned what a true friend is and I have many, and for that I am eternally grateful.  A true friend is someone that will be there for you in your darkest moments, someone you can call and they will respond.  So anyway I felt really alone and the only thing that I found to ease the pain was finding myself, finding my inner spirit.  It is something that I cling too because it was that or death.  I felt hopeless, that this world sucks, and there is nothing that I can do to relieve all the fucked-up-ness of this life.  But I found a purpose through God, and She is beautiful.  When I think of God, I fill up with this indescrible beauty and love.  Seeing God in all things makes you think about things in a different way.  For instance we are all equal because we are all aspects of the divine.  We are not parts of the whole, but we are all the whole, we are all God because God is Love and we are all one. 

Anyway I could go on but I will not.  I write this more for myself than anything else, because this is my life and I need to write some of it down.  I have hope for the future and wake up each day excited about what will happen today.

What an intresting life!  It is a wierd feeling balancing out the thoughts that go through my head.  I go through periods of happiness and sadness, a rollercoster of emotions.  There are moments that I feel very loved, and there are moments that I feel very alone in this world.  I guess it is a matter of willing myself to think positively, to be in this present moment.  I look back at my past and there is a lot of pain, and when I think about the past, fear, deppression, and saddness resonate.  But the past can't hurt me, because the past does not exist, only this present moment is what matters.  I am trying to be love, to have love be flowing through my body, so that I can be a carrier of the Love virus, and hope that everyone I interact with will catch it.  I think about the movie "What the Bleep do we Know", the part in which thoughts affect the symmerty of water crystles, and if thoughts have that much affect on water, and if water is what we primarly what we are composed of, image what our thoughts can do for us?  So although hard, infact this has been the hardest trial I have ever faced, I must work on my personal, spiritual, and emotional growth.  The one thing that has kept me here has been my friends.  So I thank you from the depths of my soul.  I love all of you.

Well, I am doing better i guess.  Thanks to everyone who was there when I was not exactly sane.  For the past week, i have felt happy and content with life.  I want to live, and live a fulfilling life.Contact me becaue i know that you care about me.  i love everone, but it is hard for me to feel that people care about me.  i love, but it is hard for me to accept love in return.  Do you love me, do you care for me?  I want to live but it is hard for me to get throufh each day.