When You're Eating Yourself from Withinevery food's making you cringe,
but you keep coming back to it binge after binge;
because ev'ry calorie's a sin...
male_ana
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Country: United States
State: Indiana
Birthday: 7/17/1987
Gender: Male


Occupation: Student


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AIM: maleanorexic


Member Since: 9/25/2005

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Sunday, January 07, 2007

i want go back to college

i'm on winter break.  college is awesome.  i love it.  i've made a bunch of friends and already found a few close ones.  i was afraid of leaving the friends i had at home who pretty much kept me from killing myself, that i would have no support system and totally collapse.  i pulled this semester with a 3.4, with which i'm not satisfied, but also not depressed.

eatingwise...i went vegetarian.  i told my parents about it beforehand, and they're like...okay, whatever.  actually, they were more supportive than that.  it feels like i'm eating a lot of food, but otherwise i would die.  the cafeteria has nice signs for each of the items that tell if it's vegetarian/vegan, and how many calories it has.

it turned out that my stress fracture was only tendonitis, so it had a shorter recoverly time.  i'm running with the indoor track team.  i'm not fast enough to run in any races, but i still like it.  they run so much; 5-9 miles a day during the week, rest weekends.  i'm always exhausted when i get back to my dorm room in the evening. 

amazingly, my weight has fluctuated around 147 ± 3.  i didn't bring a scale, but i found out one of my friends did, and i'm always tempted to use it.

i hope i'm okay now.


Saturday, August 19, 2006

college bound

i leave for college next thursday.  i'll be finally out on my own, making all of my decisions.  nobody telling me what or when to eat.  this summer has been pretty uneventful.  i didn't battle with anorexia hardly at all.  i did run alot to get in shape for college cross country, but my weight didn't fluctuate and i didn't worry about food.

but now it's finally hit me that i'm leaving.  and anorexia has creeped up on me again.  i can feel it.  i'm losing my appetite, i'm tired all the time, and my sleeping has been erratic.

i'm not sure if it's a blessing or a curse that i have a stress fracture above my ankle.  i can't run so i'm not losing tons of weight, but my body isn't making the endorphines that would fight off this depression.


Monday, May 15, 2006

150 - cereal
450 - penne
350 - breadsticks
490 - dried fruit
30 - 2 egg whites
100 - milk
120 - bread
200 - mexican sloppy jo
100 - potato
(100) - pushups, situps

total: 1890
weight: 144

the last two days were really bad.  and my stomach got used to pigging out and gets hungry again.  i've lost muscle over the past week and now gained back 2 pounds of fat.

graduation practice was today.  really boring.  i took a 2 hr nap in the afternoon.  mmm.  it felt good after staying up too late the last two days as well.  maybe that's why i did so bad, i wasn't sleeping well.


Saturday, May 13, 2006

590 - breakfast, lunch
100 - clam chowder
150 - yogurt
160 - bread
380 - egg cassarole
(300) - 3 miles

total: 1080
weight: 142

one week left.

edit:
1100 - assorted crap

i can't just not think about eating to restrict anymore.  i'm gonna have to make conscious decisions to avoid food, like spending as little time as possible near my kitchen and planning the day's intake.  i also need to drink more water.


Thursday, May 11, 2006

150 - cereal
720 - 2.5 freaking bagels
555 - lunch
150 - potato
100 - banana
150 - yogurt
40 - cranberry juice
320 - chicken
(550) - 5.5  miles

total: 1635
weight: 143

...and chris sucks...



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