so this is xanga?

for me, this huge exodus to xanga came out of nowhere and i don't even know if i like the idea of blogging at all.  i don't even know if i'll continue to write on this site.  and in something like a month the space will be doubless be cleared for someone else.

world news tonight with peter jennings is on abc right now.

it's convenient to a degree.  but... you pour your soul into electronic pixels for the whole world to read, and what's the point?  i'd much rather write pen to paper in order to remember for myself.  i'd much rather write pen to paper in order to mail you so you can smell the grass on which i was writing and see the smudges of ink where tears of my frustration fell.  i'd much rather hear the wavelengths of your voice or even better touch the pigments of your skin.  but it's not always possible, whether it is distance of land, or self-imposed (sometimes unintentional) distance. 

it's all about perspective.  i get so wrapped in the microcosm of schoolwork and thoughts and i never really know what's important to me.  if you've got your priorities straight, your whole world is straight, but what are your priorities?  columbia accepted me on a college admissions essay about the importance of realizing there are many things more important than school work, and here i am two columbiaeducated years later mulling on the same thing, not knowing what is important to me....

well, family does come first.  always.  i may not feel it sometimes and it's not a matter of knowing it but i don't have to feel or to know because it's default.  doesn't really make sense, i know...

i don't really know anything though.  the few friends i have are dear to me and they should know it.  i always try to be there in your time of need and whether i succeed or not is a failing of mine.  i want to spend lazy hours with you talking and talking and it's so important to me.  and to you, i hope.  but i guess sometimes i don't and the choices i make don't always reflect how i feel.  believe me though, the time we don't spend together hurts me as it hurts you, or even as it doesn't hurt you....

and i realize that the choices others make don't always reflect how they feel, although sometimes, it makes no sense to me how others can't -- don't -- act rationally.  but i don't either; who am i to judge.  so i just want to accept you the way you are, and i do try to do nice things to show i care, because i do, and it is natural for me to want to do those things... if i don't all the time, i apologize.  it's just a child of my confusion; i forget balance in my priorities when work piles up.  but work will always always be there.  in piles.  i'll never be rid of it. time with friends is precious and i'll never have enough of it and sometimes i don't hvae enough of it and we will both forget.... but just hit me upside the head and tell it like it is and i will be there in a heartbeat.  i promise.

friendships come in many forms and i'm confused about how they change sometimes.. i feel like this whole dealing with other people throughout life is like a sine curve: there are periods of life where joe will know you the best. she'll know your schedule, what you eat for lunch, what you have to do, your hopes, your dreams.  but then at another period of your life, it'll be schmoe in that position.  but schmoe can never truly know know everything joe did, and vice versa.. hence, sine curve.  i don't know. 

friendships undergo so many metamorpheses that i don't know how to classify them all.  i dont know what to do in order to still show you that i care sometimes. and i don't want to think about this anymore b/c i don't know if it's going to get me anywhere.  i'm just going to act and not waste my time away thinking about it.  just going to try and be there for you and just going to try and be a good friend to those i care about. 

hmm this was pretty hefty for a first entry.  i guess it's the change of everything, with coming back to a new home in north carolina, a hellish experience packing up in new york, a sine curve academic year at columbia...  i feel like i left so many loose ends in new york.  and here i am trying to unpack my life from boxes in north carolina.  where does the craziness end?  but it promises to be a good summer.  weather is good.  i'm reading books i want to read and i'm going to china to have fun and learn things i want to learn and see things i want to see and hopefully i can write you letters and i will see you... sometime...

have a great summer, everyone.