The awakening

I woke up to what had been reality as if id had a bucket of water thrown over me. It was sudden and left me frightened and unsure about what was real.  My three friends were reading a girls magazine and read out statistics of one in four girls. I was quiet in shocked stillness at the realisation that i was ONE.  The curtain had been raised on the show. Let it all begin.

Initial shock passed to some kind of grim acceptance that it wasnt normal and I dont know that i really explored how it affected me. I expect that at 16 I was kinda bullet proof anyway so i was immune to damage. I wasnt shy and lacking in confidence because of what had happened.  I figured it was just how i was.  Kinda faulty but i survived. I didnt overly like me but it was ok. Me was what i had. Id always felt kinda faulty. Even before. I was a bed wetter til my early teens and suffered depression as a child. My 'morbid fascination with death' (as described by my mother and a social worker) was something that appeared to have no basis.

As the years went by I realised that i did indeed have issues. My reaction to the doctor during childbirth was something i later found out was quite common amongst those similar to me. My awkwardness with my baby son was also an effect of my past experience. My feelings of worthlessness would rear their ugly heads when i was least able to deal with them. But deal with them i did.

I go through stages of feeling hopeless and stupid and lacking in so many ways. I have always raised my head and shrugged off the demons and kept on going. The demons seem stronger and more powerful overall. They break their shackles with more ease than before. Harder to shrug off but i have to. I feel they mock me.

Today i walked into a church. And Anglican church and im Catholic. I looked around and noticed the difference. Jesus on the Cross looked like a medievil English king and there were no images of Mary. I looked for Mary because in her absence (image at least) i realised how much comfort Mary gave. I prayed to her anyway. I sat in that cathedral and cried. I realised what triggered it but too late. I lit candles. One for my kids. To help them be strong and happy. One for Dave. To help him cope with things and as thanks. As he has been my saviour in many ways. One for me. To ask for strength to cope with life as it is. To ask for help to not feel the hoplessness I feel.  I also lit one for my father who died nearly 20 years ago. To pray for his soul and to tell him i forgive him even though I now realise he had more of an impact on my life then i ever ever thought was possible.

Barbie

'Mummy I'm going to be Barbie when im growed up and have lots of lipsticks' - Niamh age 3.

Where oh where did I go wrong. I dont even wear lipstick.  Favourite song is 'come on barbie, lets go party'.  And everything is about barbie world.  She has one barbie that she scrounged off someone.  Every doll is barbie.  I might add she loves to wrestle and play war games with the boys.  I guess we have balance .

Michael will be thirteen tomorrow.  I mentioned how he'll be a teenager.  Michael wisely told me that its not like he'll develop over night and instantly become a mongrel.  I bit my tongue.

Ive updated this blog about 40 million times in my head but now that im actually here i dont know where to start. Usual story. Ill just start typing and before i know it we'll have an essay. 

Andrew and are still apart.  Friends but apart. Hes seeing a woman he met on the internet somewhere. She lives close to him so guess he got lucky there.  Im actually ok about him seeing this woman. I thought I might have a mini freak out or something but no, i just want him to be happy.  Without me sacrificing everything myself that is.

Im still seeing Dave. Everything is wonderful there except the physical distance between us.  I still freak out that im too old for him and i guess im more aware of signs of ageing more than i ever have been. I still freak out that we are wasting our time because of our locations. I worry that hes going to want a child of his own someday but for now he doesnt want to. Cross that bridge later. But hes a sweetie and he cares about me and i care about him.  We get to have weekends together here and there and with each weekend we seem to be closer. Obviously not an ideal situation but last one wasnt either.  My life wasnt really destined to be ideal. 

Since my last post Dave has met the boys (not Niamh).  I picked them up after their weekend with their dad and we went to the park and played soccer.  After that Dave left for his place.  It went well. They have also seen him since then and that was fine too.  Not rushing that one and not pushing anyone on to anyone else.

Yes im still playing the dreaded game. Its lost alot of its grip which is good although i still enjoy playing.  If there was no social interaction in this game i would have dumped a good year ago. Ive started reading again and watching some television (yes i know thats no great thing but its kinda normalish).

Soooo much has happened.  Hard to remember where the start is. 

Andrew and i have split up. For real this time.  We'd split up due to blended families being fucked.  He moved out but we felt sad and whatever whatever so decided to see each other but not live together. Somewhere in that process I acknowledged that i had feelings for a guy I played computer games with.  So backspace a bit.

I think its easier to tell this one in dot points.

• Andrews depression and subsequent withdrawal from me and the world.
• Computer game we were both playing heaps.
• blended families are fucked so we separate.
• decide to see each other.
• I let andrew know that i have real feelings for this guy and he for me.
• He has a think about it and decides he really wants me and will let me do whatever i want as long as i come back to him.
• ok fine. Have my cake and eat it too.  All in good in theory.
• I decide that to do that would not be what a relationship is about. worry about his self respect. Not fair on other guy. Im not about to just use someone like that.
• So it ends. 
• We decided to be friends
• He decides he cant really be friends.
• So he talks me into giving it another chance.
• So it ends.
• He tells me he never wants anything more to do with me.
• Five mins later he says he didnt mean it.
• I write him letter giving my point of view. It was more about how the tree (me/relationship) wasnt watered and started to die. Nurture what you have or it can fade etc etc
• Now its really ended.
• We are kind of friends. Well civil and respectful.
• Other guy lives masses of miles away but we've had a weekend together (awesome btw) and really do care for/about each other.
• Hes 25
• im not.
• I have 4 kids
• He has none.
• Sigh.

oh the kids eeek.  Michael isnt fussed about andrew going. He did say he hopes andrew and i will be friends because he doesnt want niamh to go through what he has (unfriendly parents).  He made me so sad and so proud all in one hit.

Liam has been really naughty at school. Lovely as  usual at home. Working on building his self esteem. Tom has been really good at school. /pheww.  Hes good at home too. Just annoying. Really drives the others insane but hes better and thats a good thing. Niamh is cute and is three already.  Shes fully toilet trained for day and night. She rules the house and the boys :D. 

Edit for Terri :)

He hasnt met my kids. I took off to Melbourne for my weekend with him.  He (Dave) is coming down to adelaide in about 6 weeks and I might let him meet the boys for lunch or something. 

PHEWW.  Found my password .  Don't ever let me change it again. 

Im thinking that you guys havent been hanging on to the edge of your chair waiting for the wonderful and the weird but here goes anyway.

The wonderful is pretty much the same but with a few additions.

Wonderful because things aren’t so bad.  We are all happy, healthy and getting along.  There are no real dramas.  This week anyway.  Michael had a few days at school camp  which meant some peace in the house.  Four kids minus one (any one) equals some peace. Amazing how peaceful it is when you take one out of the equation.  Andrew and I are getting on just find so no dramas there. The Andrew situation is fine. I think the world of him and love him and am damn relieved that  his moving out has removed lots of pressure from us all.  Hes seeing things through the fog of his depression and can see where and how hes fucked up.  So where am I with this now?  Im at the whatever happens stage.  Id be lying to myself if i didnt acknowledge confusion.  My own confusion at the fickleness of my feelings i guess. The bit where i love him etc still stands but is it more as a friend than anything?  Leaving that alone for now :D. Either way, I dont want to live with any bloke again. Hey its not all bad for single mums.  Centrelink say we are allowed to get three roots a week.  Any more than that will have to be stealthy.

New car coming in a few days.  Holden Commodore.  Some special edition thing which just means its a base model with tons of extras at no extra charge.  First car ive been able to pick the colour of and i pick a colour called Odyssey (however thats spelt).  Its a dark grey i think. Stuffed if can remember now.  What i do remember is that it has a 6cd player thingo. AND the leather wrapped steering wheel. I saw it in a brochure and decided it was the go.  Car dealer dude couldnt believe how excited i got over that and not the 17" alloy wheels (i think thats what they are).  Andrew is upgrading the 'old' car for me (before it loses anymore of its value).  So, got this brand spanking new car coming.  Wanna take bets on how long it takes for the kids to trash it.

Weird cause it is. The ex husband (sfbfwah) has decided to be nice to me.  He obviously sussed out that Andrew had moved out and sent me a text telling me i need to get out and have a laugh. Next thing i know hes offering me a ticket for a comedy show.  After i picked myself up off the floor i said yeah why not.  Of course he figured he could introduce the idea of fuck buddies (sic).  Im like, NO thanks. Geez, anyone but him. The night was fairly uneventful (thank god) and didnt end up in tears (surprisingly).  He asked me to his place for a bbq but i graciously declined. THEN week or so later he rings saying i owe him for the kids dental stuff.  Too much for this chick and i burst into tears. He hasnt mentioned it since (although im sure he will).  Those that have been reading my blog will know just how frigging weird all that really is. 

Disastrous stuff as well. Andrews mum and her partner rent his house from him.  The other night Jim had been cooking chips and left the hotplate on (yeah chip fat, nice). Yep you got it. Kitchen burnt down and house 'sufferering' from smoke damage. Andrews mum is fine. She was wandering around outside at the time. She has alzheimers and it would have been really really really bad if she was in the house at the time. Jim tried to put the fire out and has 3rd degree burns on his hands. He had skin grafts the other day.  His face and shoulder were burnt too.  He was calling 911 when a neighbour pulled him out of the house.  This story gets better. Andrews sister rents my house from me and decided that it would be ok to not pay rent for about 1000 bucks worth.  The mortgage was fine cause it came out of other accounts BUT all the house insurance direct debits crashed.  Yep you got it.  Hes not insured. All will be ok though. Hes a handy man and reckons he will live there and do it up.

Quote of the week comes from Niamh.

Niamh woke up, looked out the window and exclaimed in an amazed voice 'oh look, the suns back on'.