What a day today has been.   I don't even know where to start, really....

Last night as I was walking home from church at 11, I passed a ton of people on their way to church, the Orthodox church namely.   Easter, for the Orthodox, begins at 11 pm on Saturday night.  You could tell who was headed to church because they all had baskets with them.  The service begins at 11 pm and ends at 4 or 5 am.   The truly dedicated go to this six hour service and get their baskets of food blessed by the priest, and then return home to feed their family.  In the Orthodox belief you can't eat on Easter Morning until you have been to church and had this basket blessed.

When I headed to church at 7:30 am this morning, I passed even more people that were headed for the quickie basket blessing at the church before they ate this morning.   I am not sure what the difference is between the two services, but it was quite obvious that many of these people are not regular attenders of the Orthodox church.  But then, Easter here is alot like Christmas in America.   There are many who go to church on that one day a year.

And why was I, the quientessential night person, already on my way to church at 7:30 am?   Today, for the first time, I lead the lesson and the craft in Sunday School.   In Russian.  So, I had to get there early. This has been something of a capstone event for me, to prepare for this and then to be able to communicate this story to a group of 3-6 year old twice this morning.  Of course it was not perfect, but I was very happy with the way God blessed my words and still taught me much through the experience.    It was nice that I got to do it twice.  Thank you for your prayers.   My fellow Sunday School workers were so helpful and encouraging about it.  It was really a great morning.

Language in general has been an encouraging topic for me, lately.  I was just thinking back to when I posted on here about the first time I understood a number when I heard it, and how happy I was for the immediate recognition!   How much has happened in the last two years.  I can't even begin to understand all that has changed in me.   The Lord has been so faithful to show me in the last few weeks, that I truly know enough language now to have real relationships, to talk and to understand enough Russian to talk about deeper things, spiritual things, and family things, and more than just my name, the weather, and the basic facts about life.    I just sit back in awe sometimes when I get done with a conversation (like one I had a week ago with my friend Alla about a difficult family situation)  and marvel at the way God has changed my tongue.   I am not fluent, but I am on my way.  Sometimes I feel like a bottomless pit when it comes to language - it is never enough - and I am always thinking and almost obsessing about what I don't know.  BUT, I can look back now, and see how far I have come, by His Grace, and remember with humor and thanksgiving the times that I thought it would never happen, thought that it was impossible, thought that it was crazy that I was even here - as faulty and helpless as I am.

Today was a good day to reflect on these things.   Easter is all about death and New Life.  It is all about hope and victory and new beginnings.   As I look back over the past two years, that is what I see....a new life birthed in me, a new tongue, a new peace, a new character, a new dependence on the One on whom all depends, a new understanding of how small I am, and how Great HE is...how nothing is to great to lay at His feet.    Life looks very different from this place....

But it all came at the price of many deaths.   In John when Jesus is talking about His coming death, He said to his disciples, "...unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.   Of course, this was was about Him and His sacrifice, but I think he uses this pattern in our lives over and over again.   And sometimes we can be the grain of wheat that refuses to be buried.   I feel like, many times in the last two years,  I have been thrust into the earth, sometimes most unwillingly,  and have felt the life slowly seep out of me as the dirt covers my head and blocks out the sun. But I have, praise God, like that grain of wheat, seen the light of day again, and seen the way that God has transformed me into something different, I hope more, than I was when I walked into that dark hole to face the death.   It is scary, and it is risky, and I loose a piece of myself each time.   But the pieces that are shed are really dead weight (though I might not realize it at the time) and each time, in the end it is worth it.   With the leaves of new growth, I can soak in the sun like never before. 

I feel like I am facing another big burial.   Leaving Ukraine, though it has always been a part of the plan, and I don't doubt that it is the path God has me on, means the end of something, and alot of good byes and endings.   I really can't think about it very much right now.   On Tuesday this week I have to say goodbye to a family that has meant the world to me.   They are another missionary family here, that has to go back to the States for a family medical emergency, and I don't know when we will be together again.  It feels like it is the first blow in this, newest of my many deaths.   With it begins an avalanche of goodbyes and endings and partings, none of which am I really looking forward to.    And yet, I go willingly into this dark soil, praying all along that the death will give birth to new life, and new growth, and fruit.   It is my offering right now, humble though it may be.   All I can give is "dying" willingly to the things of this world in pursuit of His will.     This I have to give only because He also died willingly and lived again.   

So, the next few months are going to be hard and great and busy and sad, and exciting, and challenging.....And  tonight I know that I must simply cling to the One that knows everything there is to know about death and New Life...

Jude 1:24

Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to make you stand in the presence of His glory blameless with great joy, ²⁵to the only God our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen.

Amen and Amen.....let it be so.

I started this page over four years ago.   My friend Autumn helped me set it up.  At the time I felt very trendy, a bit too trendy having a weblog (it was the hip computer thing to do at Cedarville at the time), but I rationalized it because I would soon be living far away from everyone that I knew and loved and thought this would be a good way to keep them updated.    That journey was the whole point of the site. 

    Now I need to think of a new name for this spot.   The destination has changed.

In October last year, Russia passed a new visa law.  At the time I didn't really worry about it...it sounded way too drastic to be reality I guess.   I guess I just figured I would think about it when it became a reality.   Well, today is that day.    That new law says that, with a one year visa, I can only be in Russia for 90 out of every 180 days.   Basically it says that to be in Russia I would have to move in and out every three months.  Besides being annoying and inconvenient, that is EXPENSIVE.  This is radically, and completely changing the face of missions over here.   And SEND has already decided to take steps toward closing down one area of Russia: Far East.   This week we learned that the application of the law is as strict in my part of Russia, in CBSR, as it is in the Far East.  Actually the government is not leaving any room for other interpretation as they have printed right on the visa  the 90/90 rule.    The only other option that has any real potential is a residency visa.   And the local officials in Western and Far Eastern Russia are not giving those out.   Why?  Well, I just don't know.   There may not be a good reason for it.  

So what does all this mean.......it means I can't move to Russia in 3 months.  

I may still go there for the summer and work with our national brothers and sisters.  I want to be able to work alongside them one more time.  I want to be able to say goodbye.   I have five boxes that I moved over last summer that I will have to figure out what to do with.   But I can't move there.   Russia can not, at least at this point, be the destination anymore.   There is always hope for the future.  Anything can change, God can open up the door again.  But, this is the reality that we are facing right now, and it changes just about every part of my life. To me it is a little like a bomb just dropped into my life.  Shrapnel is flying everywhere.

Right now, at this moment, I am really sad, and weary.

I don't doubt for a moment that God lead me here.   I know He did and that he has been providing for me and guiding me and preparing me for what is next.....it's just that the shade just got draw over the window overlooking my future...I have no idea what is next.

And now there is alot of waiting and decisions to be made.  I have to wait to hear the final decisions from SEND, I have to wait to finish school and I have to wait on God, to hear what is next.    There are decisions to be made about where I might go, and decisions about when and decisions about what I might be doing, and decisions to be made about how to make these decisions.

And then there's my beloved Russia....to whom I have been trying to return since I was 16.   And just when she was in shouting distance for me, she seems to be taking a big step back.....she is like that sometimes, strangely unhospitable just when you think you are getting somewhere.    But when I think of Russia, it isn't so much the sadness of not being able to go there, at least for now, that really breaks my heart.  It is all those people.  I am sad for our brothers and sisters there, who are working and living each day, toiling in very disagreeable soil, fighting to plant the seeds in almost desert-like ground.   They are about to loose their support, their teammates, and be left alone again.    I am also sad for those people that have never heard.     God is not leaving Russia, but a great portion of  His witness is not able to stay.    He has a reason for this, I know it, but it is hard to fathom and comprehend.  

Those are the reasons why I am sad.     So, here is why I am excited......

God is doing something very very different than I ever imagined.   Before I ever started down this road, He already knew I wouldn't get to Russia when I thought I would.  He knew it before I moved to Kiev and before I started studying Russian and before the law was passed.   He already knew it - and He still brought me here, to this place in my life, in the world, and in my relationship to Him.    He is setting me up and putting me in a position to start down a different path...one I never dreamed of, probably.   So, on my good days, in my faithful moments, that is really exciting.   I, of course, have dreams about what it could be, hopes and desires, but in the end, I have to admit that it is a big mystery to me.   What will He have for me in the next 6 months, year?   Because I know who He is (a Father who doesn't give me a stone when I ask for a fish)  I am excited to see what He has in store.   What could I possibly be doing or thinking or being a year from now that I don't know about now?   I can hardly wait....sometimes it seems a little like Christmas when I look at it that way.

And here is why I am not desparate or angry or depressed......

This page is called Destination Russia....I guess from the very beginning that was a bad title.   It was the goal, and, to be honest I still feel like it is.  I hope sometime in the future Russia will open up her door wide again, but really I am not here to prepare for Russia.  I am here, and alive and serving the living God because HE is worthy of whatever I have to give...even broken dreams, and sacrificed desires.    I am here to live and serve and prepare for whatever HE has next.   I am here, not to serve Ukrainians, or Russians, or a great mission statement and purpose of my mission, or any detailed agenda we might come up with.    I am here to serve the LIVING GOD, who promised He would never leave me or forsake me, and that He would never give me more than I could handle.  He also said that all things would work out to the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.   That's me.  My love is full of holes sometimes, and I am so weak and feeble, but He accepts it and has callled me.   So, if He rewrites the schedule, changes my train tickets and writes this story with a different ending than I thought, well, He not only has that right, but it will be a better story for it..... a better journey.....the best, actually.   I really believe that....I may not feel it all the time, but I really believe it.   

So, with that, I officially change the title of this page.....and I wait....with hope, and even some peace.   HE is in control.....and HE knows where I am going.   In fact, He is leading.   AMEN.

This song has meant alot to me over the last few months...thought I would share some of  the words......

I don’t know nothing that I haven’t been taught

I don’t know why I was born into the family I got

I don’t know if I ever had an original thought

Maybe not, maybe so, maybe later, I don’t know

I don’t know how I can end a prayer and turn on a friend

I don’t know what I was thinking when I just pressed “send” 

I don’t know why I still criticize the things I don’t know

I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know

But this one thing I know…..

Your love is Better than life

Without your Love I’m just a broken machine

Your love is Better than Life

Without your love it’s all a mindless routine

Your Love is better than Life

Without your love I’m in another free fall

Your Love is better than Life

Without your love I’ve got nothing at all

Your love is better than life

Without your Love I’m just a broken machine

Your love is Better than Life

Without your touch, I’m not a full human being

Your love is better than Life

If I should ever leave where would I go?

Your love is better than Life

I look to you, because you’re the lover of my soul.

I don’t know when to walk away or stand and fight

Just when I got it wrong, I’m sure I heard you right

And when my arguments are watertight

 You expose every hole with a flash and flood

And I know I hear you calling on the eye of the storm

And I know you had my back since the day I was born.

Still stoking my heart, still stirring my head

You’re my pillar of fire, You’re the wine, You’re the bread

If I should ever leave, where would I go?   Just like Peter said to Jesus in John 6.......You have the words of life.....