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| Dear Star Savior: J-Lo's dog-bite lawsuit
Dear Star
Savior,
Hi. I’m
singer and actress Jennifer Lopez. A former flight attendant claims that my dog
bit her on her leg during a flight, causing her to fall and hurt her back. She
says her back injury has made her unable to work, and she’s suing me for $5
million. What advice do you have for me?
Dear Jennifer,
Being sued can teach you one important
lesson: Don’t let your dog make impulse bites. As a celebrity, you should have a
staff of people hired to be bitten by your dog.
That woman only sued you because she
was bitten without being paid up-front. Freelance bite-takers always worry
about being burned by deadbeat clients. They didn’t go to grad school to be
bitten for free.
However, if you’re going to invest
in prepaid dog bites, make sure to get the most for your money.
For example, don’t settle for bites
to arms and legs. You don’t want your dog filling up on the cheap stuff. People
have four limbs, so arm and leg bite space is cheap: They could have a dog
biting each limb at the same time, and your dog would be just another set of
teeth. For the best value, buy your dog the exclusive rights to the torso or
the crotch. That way, your dog gets the bite-taker’s full attention. One can’t
multitask with teeth in his balls.
Also, don’t be afraid to splurge once
in a while. For a special occasion, consider treating your dog to a face bite. It’ll
cost you, but he’s worth it. After all, a dog is man’s best friend — except for
the man he bites.
The Star Savior
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| The Skew: Sports bra saves hiker trapped in AlpsAn American
hiker stranded in the Bavarian Alps was
rescued after getting lumberjacks’ attention by signaling them using her sports
bra.
The men
rescued her from a ledge after asking her to jump — in place.
“Actually,
after the sports bra was off, we waited for an even bigger signal,” one of the
rescuers said. “Nothing says ‘Please help me get off this mountain’ like some T&A.
An extended flash would’ve been a nice start. And that ledge had enough space
for her to do a decent floor show.
“We didn’t
have any $1 bills, but we were willing to save her life. That’s worth a little
skin — or at least some free hot wings.”
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25333829
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| Dear Star Savior: Amy Winehouse's post-hospital smoking 
Dear Star Savior,
Hi. It’s Amy Winehouse again. I was just released from a hospital after
being treated for a serious lung condition and being told that I show
early signs of what could lead to emphysema. I was photographed having
a cigarette after my time in the hospital, and people are making a big
deal of it. What should I do?
Dear Amy,
Most people would tell you to stop smoking, now that emphysema is in
the picture. But they don’t understand your busy schedule. I say you
should smoke more to make your emphysema work faster. You’d have time
to sit back and let your emphysema coast if you had a regular 9-to-5,
but you’re a busy woman. You don’t have time to wait for inner decay.
It’s time to go for higher concentration. For breakfast, have a
cigarette smoothie. For a light lunch or dinner, have some filter soup.
For your drinks, liquefy some smokes and freeze them into ice cubes.
For a sensible dessert, dip your cigs in honey.
Also, it might help to gradually quit clean air, instead of going
cold-turkey. To get started, invest in a cigarette IV system or try
using ashes to season your crack. To make sure you don’t accidentally
get any clean air overnight, go to sleep with a lit cigarette. One
man’s overnight house fire is another man’s multitasking.
At this point, it’s critical that you keep smoking. You’re too good at it to quit now.
The Star Savior
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| Dear Star Savior: Charlie Sheen's N-word voice mail
Dear Star Savior,
Hi. I'm actor Charlie Sheen. In some angry voice mail I sent my ex-wife Denise Richards in 2005, I used the N-word and the C-word. The message was leaked onto the Internet this week, and I'm catching a lot of heat for it. I have apologized for my choice of words, but I'm not sure that was enough. What should I do?
Dear Charlie,
I'm OK with you hitting your ex-wife with the N-word and C-word, but your voice mail is a sign of a problem: Technology is ruining racism and sexism.
It’s sad. There are people who have never used a slur face-to-face, the way the pioneers did it. Back then, showing hate was an event, something to plan a day around. But now, people like you just fire off some e-mail or voice mail, throw in a halfhearted slur or two, then go on with their lives. It's just another task on your to-do list: "Buy Batteries. Lunch Meeting. Hate."
But you can use your celebrity to help turn things around. Here's what you should do: Round up the kids, go to the nearest colored district and flood the streets with N-words. Go wherever the skirts get together, then throw a C-word festival. This is your chance to show young people what once made racism and sexism great: customer service.
The Star Savior
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| The Skew: Sega Toys creates robotic girlfriendSega Toys
has created a 15-inch-tall robotic girlfriend that kisses its owner and is
being marketed to lonely men.
The robotic
girlfriend runs on batteries or defeat.
“To sweeten
the deal, we’re throwing in a bonus gift,” a Sega Toys representative said. “Every
guy who buys a robotic girlfriend receives a free seven-day suicide watch. If
he doesn’t kill himself in that week, our customer-service team will offer tips
to make suicide easier.
“To make it
easier to go off a window ledge, they’ll tell him to wear an overstuffed backpack.
For an effortless hanging, they’ll recommend standing on a chair covered with
marbles. It’s our way to say, ‘Thanks for giving up.’"
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25209226
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