|
mandami
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: Amanda
State: Arkansas
Metro: Little Rock
Birthday: 9/7/1984
Gender: Female
Interests: Books, psychology, music, other random things I can't think of right now
Expertise: Reading, wasting time, putting off work...
Occupation: Student
Message: message meEmail: email me
Member Since:
1/21/2005
|
|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
|
|
| Spring BreakHi everybody, I'm alive! And unexpectedly in Arkansas for until Thursday. Apparently having a mini meltdown on the phone with your mom and threatening to drop out can score you a free plane ticket from your uncle to come home  Anyway, I don't know HSUs schedule at all, but I was thinking about making a trip to Arkadelphia one day while I'm here. Anyone actually there who has time to see me?  ALso, I suck at keeping up with Xanga, but I still miss everybody! Amanda | | |
| Something HappyOkay, so the last several posts on here haven't exactly been cheerful, for a variety of reasons. I've decided to fix that (plus, I'm procrastinating on the ethics review I should have finished yesterday). So here's a list, in no particular order, of things that I am happy about and/or looking forward to.
1) The semester is almost over
2) Only 10 days until I get to go home!
3) I got to see Ashley and had a really good Thanksgiving
4) I survived my first attempt at driving in snow, and didn't even freak out
5) I love Christmas
6) Snow is pretty
7) I will get to see all of my cousins this Christmas, because we will all be at Grandma's for Christmas
8) Sarah's getting married, which is exciting alone, but also means I have another chance to see all my family relatively soon (okay, June is kinda soon)
9) The new Merry Gentry novel comes out in two days
10) I get to see my puppies soon!
11) I also get to see: Meg, Mimi, Aunt Margaret, Uncle Jackie, Cathy, Athena, Cydney, Cheyenne, and anyone in Arkadelphia who's around the day I go down there
12) Meg Cabot has three new books coming out I want to read
13) Once the 14th is over there are multiple fun things planned before I leave on the 20th
14) I get Mexican food soon! (this place has nothing good)
That's all I can think of now, but there's probably more. So I'll wind up with a Christmas photo, because you can never have too many Christmas lights.
| | |
| PapaMy last several entries have talked about my Dad, and what the last year has been like. Maybe thats why I feel like writing this today, even though I haven't wanted to in previous years. Today is the third anniversary of my maternal grandfathers death.
Unlike Daddy, we knew Papa was dying. He had been confined to bed, unable to walk for over a year, his vision had been completely gone for 3 years, and his heart was failing. In many ways watching Papa die was so much harder than actually dealing with his death. It was a situation where it was so easy to see that he was better off and in so much less pain. I still miss him, but I honestly would not want him here, if his physical condition was declining even more. I'd rather not have him than have him suffering. And thats something I've felt since before the funeral.
Over the years since then, its become easier to remember Papa before he was so sick and in so much pain. At the time when he died it just hurt to remember that, because the contrast with the way he was in the last years of his life was simply painful. But now the pain of the last years has faded some, so its easier to remember.
Papa was simply one of the best men I've ever met (although admittedly, I'm biased). He had faults, things he messed up, consistent blind spots, all the things everyone else has. But he had so much more of the good stuff. He was kind of that image of the perfect American dream businessman: devoted father and grandfather, successful businessman, active in the community, several Citizen of the Year awards, military vet who served in WWII and the reserves for 20 years, church leader, the whole nine yards. But the thing I remember most about Papa is his absolute devotion to Mimi, and hers to him. Anyone who'd been around me after the holidays or summer breaks knows that my grandma and I don't always agree, particularly if it concerns makeup. And she isn't the easiest woman to be around all the time. But if everyone in the world had a marriage half as strong as theirs, we'd all be happier. Papa died less than an hour before their 61st wedding anniversary. They still told each other "I love you" up to the day he died. They still made each other happy, they laughed. In what ended up being the last week of his life Papa could barely eat, but I still saw him calming Mimi down. The rest of us should be so lucky as to find that. So here's to remembering Papa as the best he was, through the pain of the last years.
 | | |
| Thank GodI never thought I would be so grateful to see the end of a month, but thank God October is over. I knew the actual anniversary was going to be hard, I had anticipated my birthday being hard, but I was not prepared for the entirety of October to be so damn hard. Funny thing is, while it was really going on I didn't realize how much it was affecting me.
I told everyone I was fine once the actual anniversary had passed, and I believed it. But in retrospect, I'm really really good at deluding myself. Because ever since I realized that the month was about to be over (Monday) I've felt better, more like myself. It wasn't that I was feeling bad per se, more that I just wanted to bury myself in my room and be alone. I still got everything done, I went to class, I completed my assignments, interacted with my classmates, etc. But I just had no motivation and really wanted to be at home and alone.
But in the past couple of days I've been able to sleep better (if this insomnia in October thing becomes a pattern its really, really gonna suck), and been more interested in things, and just generally felt a lot less blah. So, thank God October is over and i can move on to November. It should be more fun (even though good things don't typically happen at Thanksgiving in my family, it only affects that week, not the whole month).
Still gonna be super busy, I've been told by my classmates that we have a test or major assignment every week from here until finals (with the exclusion of Thanksgiving, when I only have one class). I didn't actually verify this because its a little depressing, but I trust them. I bought my plane ticket to go home for Christmas, for anyone interested I'll be flying in on December 20th and I'll come back to PA January 11th.
| | |
| One YearToday is the one year anniversary of Daddy's death. Exactly a year since my world got destroyed and slowly rebuilt. Sometimes it seems like its been so much longer. Everything about my life has changed so much. Losing Daddy has affected every aspet and facet of what I do, who I am, the choices I make. But there are other days when it feels like it can't possibly have been that long, when it still feels like I just found out, or days when it hits me all over again the things that Daddy won't be there for. Ever since my birthday, its felt like a lot of those days. I'm not sure why my birthday triggered it, other then that last year between my birthday and Daddy dying there were so many things going on, really personal issues, and things between me and my parents that the vast majority of my friends never heard about. Or maybe because I'm not the same age I was when Daddy died anymore. I don't know, but God I'm ready for it to ease off. I don't want to forget him, or stop missing him, I just want to catch my breath.
In many ways the past year has been great, a lot of good things have happened. I have great friends, and family, and people who aren't related to me but are so much more than "just friends" (and no, I'm not talking about any type of romantic relationship). But in other ways its been incredibly lonely. Because as great as everyone around me is, no one except Mama really knows what and who I'll be missing for the rest of my life. What it was really meant to have Danny Fleming for your father, and to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you were one of the two most important people in his world, and there wasn't anything you could do that change that. All the good and bad that we lived through together, that we put each other through, because as solid as my family was, we still managed to do a number on each other occasionally. So some days its just crushingly lonely, because there's only one person left who completely understands it.
But for all that, I wouldn't change any of our life as a family. Because having Daddy for 21 years, always knowing that he loved me, was a tremendous gift. I never once had to doubt that my Daddy loved me (now getting mad at me was a whole different ball game). And there really isn't much more you can want in a father. The fact that I did get more is just one more reason to be thankful
| | |
|
