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Thursday, June 26, 2008

Good reading for women

http://weblog.xanga.com/gdstone04/663443815/the-way-it-ought-to-be.html?page=1&jump=1436075028&leftcmt=1#
Funny mood

I've been coming out of a hard time in my life, working through some things etc. so today I've been in this really comical mood where things that normally would give me just a little chuckle seem far more humorous. This one is pretty good. Someone in my mom's group posted it:

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

It was discovered that if the female is ovulating, she is attracted to males with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

...and then I hear this on the radio (don't know why my font just changed but I'm too lazy to fix it). I had to go find it...SO FUNNY! It's actually better if you close your eyes and just listen the first time but then do watch it 'cause Ben Stiller ROCKS!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pdyzECTq9P8

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

I'm so glad that God made you!

I was still nursing Ellie when I started feeling sick. It was that certain kind of sick that I always know, without a doubt, is NOT the stomach flu. I don't know why Jon never trusted me when I got suspicious...he always told me to wait a day or two before I wasted the money on a pregnancy test but I knew that if I was already feeling sick that I need not wait any longer and for that matter I didn't have it in me to wait...I HAD to know if there was a tiny little precious life growing inside me. It's funny that no matter how NOT ready I felt or how overwhelmed I already felt with all of my responsibilities, I couldn't help but hope that there would be a double line on the pee stick. I'm not sure why that is...there's just something disappointing about getting a negative. Maybe it has something to do with being wrong about what you think is happening inside your body. I'm not sure but it's always been a let down for me to see a single line. Though, this time and for the first time I bought one of those fancy tests that actually says "pregnant" or "you're just getting fatter lady". But I bought the fancy one. I was NOT ready to be pregnant. I did NOT want to be pregnant. I had two major reasons, 1.) I already felt like I was spread too thin and not able to give each of my children the attention that I wanted to give them and 2.) I cannot handle morning sickness and I've had it every time. It is downright depressing for me to be sick for that long when I have so many responsibilites/children to take care of. When I see a mountainous pile of laundry downstairs and the energy it takes just to walk up and down the stairs, much less carry a heavy basket makes me vomit, I can't help but get really really discouraged. I HATE it. I had a few other more minor reasons also. One of them being that I already felt out of shape/fat and being pregnant doesn't help that in any way shape or form as all females who have had children know and furthermore, feeling like a fat, frumpy housewife doesn't really help one's confidence/feeling of being desirable, sexy, beautiful...you get the picture. I was in bad shape emotionally to put it plainly.
...and sicker and (once I quit puking everything up) fatter I became. I was not happy to be pregnant. I was as not happy as I had ever been. For the first time, I believe, I was really not happy about it. I was not in the least bit excited to have another baby and that made me even more depressed. I recently told my sister that I actually prayed at one point and told God that if I were to have a miscarriage I wouldn't hold it against him (not that I would have any right to be angry with him but I know that at other times I would have been angry if that had happened to me). I ached deep within at the thought that I might be relieved if I lost this baby. I know that if it had actually happened I most likely would have been devastated and I would have begged God to let me suffer the mere 20 weeks of sickness for the unspeakable blessing of a child which I was so undeserving to be the mother of. But at that point I couldn't see how I would ever feel any better about this and it terrified me to think that the sweet baby inside me might somehow be affected by how I was feeling. I don't know if I agree with those who think that children can feel rejection while in the womb...it's an interesting subject but anyway...it worried me. bothered me, seriously troubled me.
I can honestly say that about 99.9% of my pregnancy with Betsy was stressful. At about the same time that I finally got over my morning sickness, Jon resigned from his preaching job and we moved in with his parents. We lived there until a few weeks before Betsy's birth. I can just see the difference between my other pregnancies and this one. There were no quiet, peaceful afternoon naps, laying in bed on my side holding my tummy and dreaming of what she would look like, smell like...that longing and nesting time when you just rest and dream and anxiously await that precious moment when you will finally see this wonderful person who has been squirming and kicking inside you for so long. There was no sitting quietly and folding each little outfit and dreaming of what it will look like on her and feel like to hold her. Perhaps this is just the way it is with a fourth, fifth and children onward...you just don't have time for that anymore, there are just too many other things to take care of. Still, though, it saddened me that I didn't have that time and those feelings and I worried that it would affect her, that somehow she was missing something emotionally, though still inside me.
Now, I'm not sure if I would wish that things had been different, as I believe that every experience in life, good or bad, is a great learning tool, but I can honestly say that I have no doubt that my poor feelings did not affect my sweet little one and I have no doubt that she knows that she is loved. You see, despite how sad/bad I have felt I have always known in my heart that she was more valuable that anything that I could ever wish for...be it a fit, skinny body, more money, more time, more freedom, less responsiblity, whatever and that is something that I was taught and that was engrained in me and I do not regret having been taught it and I never will. I do not regret having my tubes tied either, though, let me get that out of the way...haha!
Life is precious. It is not just precious, it is the MOST precious thing in this world. I tell my Betsy Boo almost everyday, "I am so glad that God made you." because perhaps there is a part of me that wants to be sure that she knows I am so happy that she was created, that she grew and that she is here now. I hope she always knows that she is worth my time, my pain, my lack of freedom, she is worth everything. I want all of my children to know that without a doubt. Even more, though, I want everyone to know it and I really feel like I'm starting to know it again but to an even deeper/less-dependant-on-others extent than I did before. I do believe, though, that we are God's instruments and we are either being used by him to show love to the world and be a light or we are deceived and misguided and we are being an instrument of hurt and suffering. I am gonna strive to be the former and while I fall short daily I want to do my best to avoid the latter. I heard once on Oprah that no matter what you tell your children about how wonderful you think they are, etc. they are going to grow up feeling the same way about themselves that you do about yourself. I'm not a huge Oprah fan but I thought that was very wise. So just think about it and also think about the fact that if your view of yourself affects those whom you strive so hard to love then what about those other people out there who you really don't care all that much about...like those annoying co-workers or the crabby lady at the check out. Hmmm...what about those people? Do you think you or I can get to the point that we truly shine like a light in a dark world and with one look, one word of kindess and love can make a person feel precious and valuable? I think so. ...and in case I haven't made it clear to all those who I know and possible any who might have stumbled on my site and I have never even met...
"I AM SO VERY GLAD THAT GOD MADE YOU AND THAT HE LOVES YOU AND YOU ARE SO VERY PRECIOUS!"

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Good parenting 101 from one who is a failure at it and everything else.

Something that really baffles me is this: I have seen my children displaying poor behavior at times and it seemed that no matter how hard I tried, through discipline, spankings, scolding, etc. that they have continued to do it. Suddenly it dawned on me that their poor behavior was simply what I had taught them. For example, something that I see occurring often is this:
Oldest child is out with younger siblings...younger siblings start to do something inappropriate (like strip and roll in the mud or something...not like I would know anything about this sort of thing???), older sibling KNOWS that younger siblings are doing something inappropriate so she has the choice to: a) join in and get in trouble for "not setting a better example" b.) ignore them and later get in trouble for "not stopping them" (as if, being only a couple years older she even has the ability to do that) or c.) tattle and get called a tattler and "mean" for "wanting" her siblings to get in trouble. The result of all of this is that the older children, though they love their siblings, come to resent them and take it out on them (since they usually can't tell their parents how they feel).
This is just one of the MANY examples of some of the horrible things that can happen to children, especially when the parents have had children BEFORE dealing with their own CRAP and why I truly admire people who try to work on their marriage before having kids, as well as people who are smart enought to work our most of their issues before getting married. I would think that if a parent truly loved their child they would want to be the best possible example and would be humble enough to truly look themselves in the mirror and see the person who they truly are. I have the utmost respect for every woman who keeps her child/children alive everyday and I know how much emotional energy it takes just to do even that. I also know how delightful it can be when one has enough "balls" (excuse my language) to stand up for herself and take charge of her own life.
That's all I have to say about this for now...and in case you can't tell, I know that I am nothing. I am something because I am nothing...I am something ONLY because of the One who thinks I am worth something.