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Name: Jessica aka Strawberry
Country: United States
State: New Jersey
Birthday: 6/1/1986
Gender: Female
Interests: singing is life. Yay for getting life back. I also dance and pretend to act.
Message: message me
Member Since:
5/12/2002
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| It was the best of times it was the worst of timesI can't believe I let almost seven months go by without writing. Remember when two weeks was a long time? It's not that there hasn't been stuff to write about. I can't count the amount of times I wanted to write something and never got around to it. I thought my last semester would be simple, as I was taking on fewer credits than I had in previous ones, but it was very busy and mixed with outside stressors. Aside from lack of time, there's also a lack of motivation, b/c I know not as many people are reading this, and I need that validation that my words are being read. If I talk to you, you may know a lot of this, but I'm just going to do a big general update thingy. The best of times: Internship - After the most horrible internship search process (if you're a MT major or a future one, start looking now, even if you're 10 years old), I finally secured an internship for the fall at Princeton House. Although psychiatrics isn't what I ultimately want to go into (mainly because of safety issues), I think this will be a fascinating experience and I expect to learn a lot and have my musical butt kicked. I am so glad to have found this place, b/c it was really getting down to the wire, and there aren't a whole lot of options for MT internships in NJ that aren't with children. Devin got a job - He found out the same day that I did about the internship, making this probably the most exciting day of my life. Think finding out about All State times 100. My smile could not be contained, and I spent a good hour or two in a happiness/caffeine induced altered state. It was not a side of Jessica most people get to see. But anyway, we both got ourselves set up for fall, which means we were able to get an.... Apartment! - Living in sin begins in August, and the amount of stuff that we have to buy is starting to make me crazy. It's funny. I always assumed I would go to college and never set foot in central jersey again, but yet here we are. And South River, no less. My EB genes make me kinda a snob about South River, but I'm going to suck it up, b/c the apartment is nice and much cheaper than ones in EB. Also, who cares? We have an apartment! Also great this year was that the music therapy department was especially close, and I feel like I made some really good friends. It's kinda sad that this happened my last year though, as now I'm away from them, and I am particularly bad at keeping in touch with people. I'm scared I'll lose them like I've lost everyone else. Also two of my friends are getting married (I helped with the proposal for one) and we have a nice group of friends that hangs out regularly, so socially, I'm doing pretty good. But then there's the worst of times: Devin's crazy grandma (or as I like to think of her, an older, funsuckier version of Marlene) - She decided fairly randomly to hate me back in February, which means I am not allowed to go upstairs in Devin's house, b/c this part is owned by her. Of course, that includes Devin's room and the room with the bunkbeds that were bought specifically for my use, so I am forced to sleep in the living room on the couch and she isn't talking to either Devin or myself. This greatly influenced our decision to get an apartment. This woman is actually insane, and I could bitch about her forever, but I'll move on Grandpa - Grandpa is dying. Although he's been deteriorating for some time now, it seems to be getting pretty close to the end now. I think mostly, we accept that it's happening, but we worry about the effect it's taking on Grandma. She had chest pains a couple times recently and was in the hospital herself for a bit. This part right now is especially tough, b/c I feel like everyone's just waiting for him to die, but no one really knows when it will happen. There's no denying that it will be soon though. 89 years old, married for 59 years. That's a pretty impressive lifetime. Mom lost her job - Her company has been having massive layoffs, and this time around it was her turn. This is obviously bad, and especially since they're paying two mortgages as no one wants our old house. This is added stress she really doesn't need. My father is a raging lunatic - Not as bad as the other things, but somewhat annoying and also amusing. He is horribly depressed, so when I try to talk about the happy things in my life, he goes off on his pessimistic view of how the nice guy always finishes last, even though I'm telling him I'm nice and I'm doing ok. When I talk about the sad stuff, like when he called me and I told him I was at the hospital with Grandma, he goes off on crazy thoughts about politics. Obama is the antichrist, he says. And there's no arguing with him when he thinks like this, so I just say okay, and let him explain why, which actually makes it make less sense. What's scary is that he's not the only person who feels this way. Now, I'm completely uneducated in politics, so I have pretty much no opinion on Obama, but I can understand if you really don't like him, based on whatever. I mean, even if you just hate him because he's black, whatever. But calling him the antichrist? Really? That's just insane. Anyway, that's more or less it for the important things. Maybe I'll get back in the habit of writing soon, but it's doubtful with things being as hectic as they are. | | |
| American IdolI never really got into American Idol. I watched bits and pieces of the first couple seasons, but then it got old really fast for me. In the first few seasons, I could at least find humor in the people who thought they were excellent but couldn't carry a tune, and there were some truly talented people on there. Now, the people who make it to finals are okay at best, with a few exceptions, and the funny untalented people are just doing crazy shit to get their couple minutes of fame. And that's all this is about, isn't it? Fame. Doesn't matter if it's deserved or not, positive or negative, people want fame. I can't understand our country's obsession with fame. Everybody idolizes the people they see on tv, and see things like American Idol as really being important. I bring this up, because for Christmas, I made CDs of myself singing Christmas carols which I distributed to my family and the church choir. Now, despite the fact that the popiest song on there was Winter Wonderland, many people still said that I should be trying out for American Idol. This irks me, because it implies that what I am doing with my life is somehow not as good as winning American Idol and becoming a pop star. I see it differently. Even if I was guaranteed to win this competition, you still wouldn't find me in that audition line. Because really, it's beneath me. Pop music isn't very hard to sing. Many pop stars, like Kelly Clarkson, were classically trained, and I'm sure they would agree that what they sing now is far easier than anything they sang in lessons. I find the secret to singing pop music well is to have training, and then know just how much of that training to ignore. But that's besides the point. Although I can sing Kelly Clarkson pretty well, my voice was really meant for choral work and church music. Not too exciting for some, but to me this is the most beautiful music and the purest sound the voice can create. And then there's the music therapy. Using my music to help people. But this is forgotten when the possibility of fame enters the room. Why is it seen as more respectable to be a pop star than a music therapist? Or a music teacher? Or a member of a church choir? I'm happy with what I do, and I don't want fame. That life of concerts all over the place and people adoring you may seem exciting, but I bet it's tiring. I want a home and a family. Stability and comfort. Who really wants to have to jump around from city to city, staying just long enough to sing and leave, and meanwhile having people following you around at the friggen grocery store, watching you buy pads then asking for your autograph? That's just not for me. I'd rather help people with my art, and perform in more intimate settings. I don't want fans, unless they know me as a person as well. The idea of people knowing you without you knowing them has always been a little creepy to me, and I'd like to stay away from that. I would never want people to love me just because I won a stupid competition. I want people to love me because I am a good person, who is also talented. I want to be loved by people who know me, not those who are just in love with my image. And yet people will still tell me I should audition for American Idol. I think it's often a selfish desire for them. Everybody wants to be able to say I knew her when. Everybody wants there Merry Christmas, Love Jessica Cds to be worth something someday. But I just want to make people happy. Help people cope with the impending end of their lives, help people feel closer to God. So, when I say, "No, American Idol's not for me," I'm not being modest, but actually arrogant. I know I am talented, but I have better uses for my talent than that show could ever offer. I'm never going to be someone's prime time entertainment, but you let me know if you need me for a wedding or a funeral, or some other intimate occasion. | | |
| An Update On RussiaAfter my only remaining friend in the choir could not go because of financial reasons, I grew some balls and talked to Buchanan, telling her I was out. The end result is pretty much what I wanted: I'm not going, and as of right now I can stay in the choir next semester. The road there, however, was pretty horrible. I gave her two reasons for not wanting to go. The first one was my mother's idea, and is only partly true. I told her that my grandparents have various health issues, and my one grandfather in particular is getting very frail as of late. I told her that because of this, I wouldn't feel comfortable being far away and unreachable in Russia in case something were to happen to them while I was away. She basically said this was a dumb reason, and that it makes no difference whether you're around when your grandparents die. While, I agree that you shouldn't put your life on hold for something like this, I think she handled this fairly heartlessly. I mean, it's not like we're going a few states over. Russia is very far away and no one would be able to get in touch with me while I'm there. But whatever. After we blew through that reason, we moved onto reason two, which is really the main reason why I'm not going. I told her I don't feel comfortable going to a country I've never been to, where I don't speak a word of the language, with people I'm not close to. I get that I wouldn't be alone. We'd always stay in groups, but that's really worse. When your group isn't going, then you must force yourself into other groups, which is incredibly awkward for me. Maybe not for some people, but it is for me, and I imagine I'm not alone in this feeling. She sees this as a fixable problem, like fear of flying, which should not be reason not to go. First off, fear of flying is really not a problem anyone could fix in six months, so I have no idea why she said this. Don't believe me? Try to convince Devin to go on this trip. Anyway, after she asked me in several different ways if there was anyone I could make friends with (answer: no, I have friends in the choir. you just took them away), she told me I need therapy! Really! She told me she finds it ironic that as a therapy major, my reason for not going is some kind of phobic one (phobic? no. I just don't want to feel like the asshole that's always tagging along with people I'm only sorta friendly with). Then she put on her sympathetic mother act, told me she's concerned about me, and said she thinks I should talk to someone. I was too stunned to tell her how out of line and off base that was, so I sat there and took it in. She went on to ask me what I'd do if my carreer required me to move somewhere away from my family. I told her I'd have Devin, but she didn't seem to acknowledge that. I thought about this more afterwards, and realized how bizarre it is. I mean, my job couldn't make me move. I could get a better offer somewhere far away, but chances are, I wouldn't take it, because when it comes down to it, family is more important to me than carreer. And even if I did took it, I would have Devin. I'm not a single, young adult. I'm in a committed relationship, and any major move I might take would involve him. So, I really wouldn't ever have to go somewhere unfamiliar alone. And what's wrong with that? Do I really need professional help just because I like to have a person that brings me comfort along whenever I go somewhere unfamiliar? It's not like I need a buddy to go to the store. I'm independent enough to function. And since when is it bad to want to stay near family? To settle down? Since when is caring more about people than your job wrong? I don't get it. I'm not saying the way I live my life is right for everyone. But it is right for me, and I wish people would stop criticizing me for being how I am. I've got my issues, certainly, but she doesn't know the half of it, and even so, it's nothing that's preventing me from functioning pretty well in the world.
In summary, yay for no Russia, boo for people trying to tell me how I should live my life. | | |
| I'm a Pretty GirlGrey's Anatomy has a lot of really good quotes, but I think the monologue that Izzy gives when she's being asked if she cut Denny's LVAD wire is still my favorite. I doubt a lot of people connected to the way I did, and I think that's why I like it. I feel like it was special for me.
"I'm a pretty girl. I'm not being arrogant, it's just, it's just kind of a fact. For a long time I made a career from my looks, so I get it, I'm a pretty girl. And not in a "from a certain angle" way, in an obvious way. It's the blonde thing and the big boobs thing, big boobs are a key to obvious pretty if you know what I'm saying. It's how men see me. I'm not a smart girl or an interesting girl, I'm a pretty girl. The blonde and the boobs, it confuses guys into thinking that I'm someone else. And I'm used to it. And I'm used to them walking away when they realize... but then Denny goes and asks me to marry him. He doesn't make me feel like I'm a pretty girl. He makes me feel like, like me. I think he might know me."
I thought I'd left my pretty girl days behind me in high school. Not that I'm not pretty anymore, but I don't really try as hard, and I was hoping I was kinda blending in, that people might be noticing me for other things, like talent and brains. Then my friends and I were looking at the facebook compare people thing and we noticed my rankings. We laughed about how every single one of the things I was highly ranked for had something to do with sex or appearance. My highest ranking is in would rather sleep with. Then of course, we have hotter, cuter, better body, rather kiss and the like. Nothing for smarter or any of the personality based things. I'm a pretty girl. For Greg, who is self-conscious about his appearance, my results seem like a blessing, but I explain to him that the end result is the same insecurity he has. I'm not saying I would want to be less attractive. I just would like people to see my other qualities. Because when all anyone has to say about you is that you're the hot girl with the big tits, you start to doubt yourself in other areas. Maybe my looks are my only good quality. I know I'm backwards from most girls, but we're all the same. They feel insecure because they don't feel pretty, I feel insecure because I don't feel interesting. One isn't better than the other, although I do get less sympathy. It's good not being single, though. Back in high school, it was damn near impossible to find a guy who was interested in more than my breasts, and I know it wasn't that they were young, it was that they were guys. If I had to reenter the dating scene, I know it would be the same all over again. Which is what I love about Devin. He fell in love with me when I was dating long distance, so appearance wasn't high up on my priority list. And if I had just been a pretty girl, he wouldn't have waited so long and fought so hard for me. There are other pretty girls out there. But he saw my other good parts, and made me feel like me. What I like most, is that I don't worry about my appearance as much when I'm with him. I mean, I want to look good, but I don't scrutinize the tiniest of weight gains the way I do when I'm alone or in the company of others. See, my appearance was all I seemingly had going for me, so it was always of the utmost importance to maintain it. It still is, of course, but when I'm with him, I can forget about that a little and just live. I am, of course, still insecure. I've known of girls who would get really insecure about their weight or their appearance and cry about it in front of their boyfriends. When I cry, it's because I feel uninteresting or because I'll start to doubt that he really loves me for more than my body. But then I remember how things started. I am a pretty girl, but I am also a smart and funny girl and talented girl, and he sees that. | | |
| What's Wrong with New Jersey?After I complain about the lack of internships in NJ, my advisor/professor/bane of my existence says, "well, you can't stay in New Jersey forever." I look at her, see that she's completely serious, and ask, "why not?" She asks me why I'd want to shelter myself that way. Now, aside from the fact that she's simply not doing her job (there are other NJ options that she's pretending don't exist so she doesn't have to do paperwork), this makes me mad because I think her comment was completely out of line. Why am I sheltering myself by choosing to live in the state I grew up in? It's not like I never want to cross the NJ border. I love to travel. I've been to Germany, Switzerland, Austria, France, Italy, Canada and various states in the US. And I intend to travel more in the future when I have the time and money to spare. But when it comes to living, is it wrong that I want to call NJ my home? I don't think it's sheltering myself if I don't want to pick up and leave my friends and family to intern six months in a place where I'd have no support system. I like New Jersey. I can live in a suburb but still be near enough to two major cities, the beach, the mountains, farms and Atlantic City. We've got a little bit of everything here. But I'm not saying that Jersey is for everyone. We're overcrowded as it is. I know plenty of people who don't like this state, and I think they have some pretty good reasons. But those people also made the choice not to live here. This idiot is living here and telling me I'm sheltered for wanting to do the same? Perhaps she's the one who should be moving her life. I'm happy where I am. I have a life here. And she doesn't know me nearly well enough to be telling me what I should be doing with my life. I know NJ gets picked on a lot. We're the armpit of America and all that, but there are plenty of people who love it, and I think we really get judged unfairly. Like anywhere else, there are good parts and there are bad parts, but we have a lot to offer that many other states don't, and I know that I'd be unhappy spending six months anywhere but here. Traffic jams and all, I love NJ. | | |
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