It has been quite a while since I was able to give a meaningful post. It also has been quite sometime since I feel that I have been headed in the right direction spiritually. I would say that this downward spiral for me started almost 7 years ago when I was tired and exhausted from my leadership position at QPEM. I was tired of the long trips back and forth to Queens from Staten Island, and I was tired of "serving." I look at the decision to stop serving the beginning of the end for me.
After that, live was a blur. Business school, marriage, fatherhood, problems at work, problems with investment, problems with finances from a person who specializes in this area? How odd? How ironic?
The past 2 years I have really seen God move in my life and I have been forced to confront the idols in my heart that have raised an almost insurmountable wall to joy and peace. I have been reminded again and again how God is in charge and how God can do everything! What amazes me is God's patience with a fool who so easily forgets what great miracles that he has done for me.
The ER Room
The latest episode from God started two weeks ago when I was rushed to the ER for some mightly painful episodes. It was here that I had my first encounter with controlled substances. MORPHINE is pretty relaxing... The time after morphine wares off is just plain old annoying. As I began to complain to the ER residents and nurses for not giving me the customer service that I would provide if I were in their shoes, I finally realized that there was an old man next to me, very sick, very lonely, very hungry, and very alone. What jackass I was to complain about the ER wasting my time when there was someone next to me who may not survive the night or eternity.
After overcoming the shame of being a self-centered loser, I realized that I needed to share the greatest hope and treasure that I had, my faith and salvation in Christ. It was so uncomfortable making small talk with an old man who hated this world and just wanted to die. After the initial unpleasant starters, I ultimately got to the topic of do you know who Jesus is? The old man replied, I have heard of him, but I don't think he is God because if he was, why is the world so @#$%ed up? I then tried explaining about the depravity of man and free will. I then tried to talk about how God, who is perfect and holy could ever love such screw ups like us to let His own son be sacrificed as a ransom for us.
I got to this point and then the old man had to be moved to a different location. I tried rushing through about all we need to do is accept this free gift of grace from God and then we can live in eternity in place with no crime, no sadness, and no pain. I did not have a chance to ask if the old man wanted accept this gift. Unfortunately, I wasted too much time harassing the ER staff to get me out ASAP.
My man Mo
I did not feel too good about all this, but two weeks later things are beginning to make more sense as the topic of Moses' life was discussed in a Saturday Old Testament study I attend. Moses spent 40 years of formal training in Egypt, 40 years wandering in the wilderness, and the final 40 years of this life being used mightily by God. Will this the case for me as well? I have spent lots of time studying what I studied both spiritually and secularly. The past 7 years have been a wilderness for me, and I know I still have more time left in the wilderness left because I am not the humble and god reliant man that Moses was when he approach the Burning Bush. However this all gives me great hope. Great hope in knowing that eventually I will be a vessel that can serve the Lord wholeheartedly.
Paul from Boston, not Alaska
Now comes another random thing. My friend Paul from Boston, a person that I think I would have become much better friends with had I not relocated from Boston so soon, left a moving post about on the Hillside United Song Hosanna. He emphasized the lyrics of the bridge which read:
"Heal my heart and make it clean Open up my eyes to the things unseen Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart from what breaks yours Everything I am for your kingdoms cause As I walk from nothing to earth into Eternity"
When will my heart break the way God's breaks when He sees His people in pain? When will I care more for God's sheep more than I do the millions I desire here on earth?
This is how I know that I am still in my period in the wilderness.
Citizens, please lend me your ears
If you have read to this long post thank you, and one final thing. For many of you that have known me during college and the early QPEM days, I was really into praise music, but being in the wilderness for so long has caused me to be completed out the times on good praise music these days. As the song "Hosanna" was able to convict me and draw me closer to God, what other good praise / Christian tracks would be good road tunes for some desert wandering?
Thank you good friends for reading. Also let me know if you have any items you are dying to more clarification on.
The Husband Store A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
WELCOME TO THE HUSBAND STORE!! You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch...You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
Happy Shopping!!!!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband...On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1: These men have jobs and love the Lord.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2: These men have jobs, love the Lord, and like kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3: These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4: These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims," I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5: These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6: You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building and have a nice day!
Please send this to all men for a good laugh, and to all the women who can handle the truth! Ha!
If the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, you can rest assured the water bill is higher there also!
Hi friends, the family has been in Dallas for a week and a half now and must say that the adjustment here has been very good so far. As soon as we landed in Dallas, it was hot. Temperature in the 80's. Oddly enough, the very next day it rained incessently and during our second night it rained and hailed so hard that the energy went off in a restaurant where I was picking up take out dinner. The weather took yet another turn to the strange. The past 4 days have been very cold, in fact yesterday we had flurries as I went to the mall. I am told that the weather will return back to warm starting tomorrow.
Searching for a Spiritual Home
After finding a church that I love so much back in Boston, I now have the task of finding a church in Dallas. I visited my buddy, Jason's church the past two weeks. The first thing that I noticed is that the chappel is huge! This place makes KAPCQ look like one of those small house churches that you see in Queens or Flushing. The next thing I noticed was that the church was very Korean, just like KAPCQ. There are several elements that made me feel this way. One reason was the theme of the messages was "Korean" when it talked about how we can do more, give up more, or just plain old become much better Christians so get your act together! This was not the exact words of the message given, but it had that feel to it. While the pursuit of holiness is very important to Christians, this not balanced against knowledge of our own sinfulness can lead to dangerous things like becoming self-righteous and/or struggling with your hidden and personal sin.
I feel that I had a problem with a situation like this when I was in QPEM. I love my time at that church and learned a great deal, but because of my position as a leader in the church and the expectation of leaders at QPEM was to be solid and holy. I know that I struggled with sin, but where could I go to overcome those struggles? I could not go to any member of the church because of those unrealistic expectations. The worst part about this situation was that I was propegating this model! What I needed was for someone I followed and respected to tell me that they struggled with the same sin that many of us fall in to. Whether it is the bane of all men, lust, or the frictions of marriage, hearing that other people you trust and respect having problems with this enables you to come clean and get true accountability rather than keeping this inside and being too ashamed to talk about this. This has to be one of Satan's best schemes: get people to be slaves to the law and strive for something that is not possible; then get people to be too ashamed to get the help they need in overcoming sin.
I think that my experience at HR definitely changed my paradiagm for what church can be. Though there are some things that the traditional Korean church may do better than HR. One would be discipline in prayer. Korean churches are committed to prayer and have that old school discipline that has benefited me to this day. My grandmother, bless her soul, prayed constantly. She prayed most for my dad because he was a tough kid, and that of course caused her to pray for me and my family the most. She was one of those old ladies that prayed all the time. When she was later in her years, she would always pray for her grandsons (three of us) and my sister (she loved my sister because she was so much like my grandmom, and she may have viewed her like a grandson). She was a traditional Korean lady, so don't ask why she did not pray for the girls.
I will probably try and check out a new church next weel, so if you all have any suggestions, please let me know, ok? Overall the family are well and just going through the usual transitions that anyone goes through when you move someplace new. Hopefully we find a home soon and get some roots planted.
Pleasant Surprises
One very nice surprise with Dallas was a fairly large, K-Town. It is nothing like NY or LA, but so much bigger than Boston, and a bit more conveinent than Chicago. This unexpected surprise makes both shopping for Asian groceries and getting good Korean food a much more pleasant experience than that at Boston.
I was preparing on writing some pretty long pieces on my path from NY, to Chicago, to Boston, and now to Dallas, but I thought that I needed to tell the people in the community that I am closest with right now the big news that Yeonsil, Rose, and I are moving on from Boston to Dallas. I will be starting my new position in Kimberly-Clark's Corporate Strategy & Finance Group. It is a great professional opportunity with amazing work life balance. So this would be a good move for the entire family. This will be good bye to my friends in the NE, but hello to a small number of friends in the big D.
I never thought that I would ever like Boston and I would honestly say that I did not like Boston very much till about this time last year. Work was tough, people were rude, roads were confusing but made no sense. However, about this time last year was about the time I started attending my church, Highrock. I thought that I would be rejoicing big time when I had an opportunity to leave Boston, but ironically, I am filled with sorrow. Sorrow from leaving a family I have recently found.
I still need to coordinate the details of our family move, but this should take place sometime during the end of March. Today was tough for me to see many of the friendly faces give me the look of slight disappointment on news of my pending move. The though going through my mind was that this was the start of early friendships that could have become huge. Today I discussed my move with Daeyou, Dave, and Hubert, I had discussed my move earlier with Owen and Frank. With each new discussion of our family relocation, the more difficult it was to accept the fact that I will be leaving. The selfish part of me wants to relocate the entire church to Dallas, but I know that I can't do that. I had started to wonder how I could get this opportunity to leave Boston after I started to love it? It makes no sense, but I do know that Boston was a stop that I needed to make in order to get my faith and family in order. Even though I will no longer be able to see many of you every week at church, FNF, and accountability group, I know that these are things that I need to immediately plug into or start up once I get to Dallas.
I just wanted to say thank you to many people in HR that have made our family's stay at church so memorable and loving. First props go out to Ilene and the children's ministry for making it a warm place for my daughter and little devil Rose to feel loved. Yumiko, Tracy, Jennifer Kwon, and other sisters that I am probably forgetting that have made Yeonsil feel more a part of the community. My Thursday night accountability group, Young, Owen, Alan,Tom, and now Sung. LOL - Mike and the rest of the new crew. Pastor Dave for being a man who always speaks the word, especially when I need to hear it.
However the biggest shout out goes to the Boot Camp crew - Josh, Frank, Maye, Solo, Judy, Hubert, Yumi, Jeanie, Tina, Jen, and Noodle. You guys were the first to make me feel like a part of the family. I find it funny that we ran a lot the first week, but started to run less and less each subsequent week because we talked so much. Taebo was another interesting phase...
I will miss the people of HR very much and wanted the community to know how much of an impact that you have made to my family. Thank you and if you are ever in Dallas, please come and stay, I've got plenty of golf clubs and toys, and Rose is also known to be very entertaining. We will miss you all very much. See you all next week!
