Really long entry

Hey all. Bored in the Box so I thought I'd update. Thursday night was really good because I got to take a walk for an hour and a half and just think and pray and work stuff out. I've been pushing God away for a while because I realize what a crappy person I am and because of that it's very hard for me to accept the fact that God (almighty, infinite, beyond comprehension or approach) could possibly have more than (at best) a passing interest in something so small and pitiable and worthless as myself.

I know that there's nothing we do by works that makes us worthy of His attention or affection, but that it's through faith. Faith is also something I have trouble with, because I don't feel like I've ever really had a monumental, defining encounter with the living Jesus and His love and affirmation of me. (I'm still waiting and very much hoping for one!) To be honest, I don't even really know why I accepted Christ in the first place. My parents and I had been going to church for a while, and for some reason I had decided to be a butthole to God, to taunt Him and challenge Him and get Him to prove Himself. I had questions about Jesus and God, about the reliability of the Bible, about prophecy, but I was always too scared to ask them because I was part of the youth group and didn't want to seem like the odd one out who doubted (although I thought they were all kind of weird for believing all this stuff). And yet, one night my dad and I were watching Jack Van Impe as we tended to do, and when they did the prayer of salvation at the end I silently prayed along with it. As I said before, I'm still not sure why. There was no real revelation, no light bulb, but it was just kind of an, "Ok, I guess I believe this." I was kind of embarrassed to tell my youth pastor, and I never even got around to directly telling my parents about it. Maybe that's why I'm still a little skittish about discussing spiritual matters in most settings...

Another reason faith is difficult is because if you read the Bible, the whole thing's a little weird. I like God, and who He is as far as His character is concerned and the kind of God He is more or less make sense to me. The fact that Jesus had to die to cleanse us of our sins makes sense if you look at the backstory (the love that motivates it is still tough to grasp, but I get the reasoning). But if you actually try to absorb as fact the creation of the world, the history the Bible records, the idea that God really did all these things and spoke to all these people and was so real and directly involved in things, it seems like a lot to accept. That this is REALLY the history of real people who lived in this world, that God REALLY interacted in these ways, that all the theology and passion of Paul is REAL and TRUTH and ALIVE... Holy crap that's intense. I still (obviously) have trouble taking all that as truth and believing it with all my heart.

Anyway, that's kind of where I've been at and what I'm pondering. Sorry if I made any of you question my salvation I'm finally coming awake again after being so depressed last quarter and pushing God away for the past couple months. I really want to know what it means to be loved by God; to have Him speak to me deep in my heart and reassure me; to love and pray for other people again; to live my LIFE in worship and obedience to bring God glory, wherever that takes me and being patient in waiting for Him to move and speak; to trust Christ more and more and have Him dwell more deeply and securely in my heart; to know what it means and how to love my Creator, King, Brother, and Dear Friend. (There's a whole lot that I'm working on, but I'll end here.)

Lastly, (and what prompted me to write this entry,) I have to pimp Daniel Savala's site, www.agapeforce.org, because the guy is really awesome.

"God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need of further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, that so I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, 'Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away.' Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long.
In Jesus’ name. Amen."

Currently Listening Lovers' Requiem By I Am Ghost see related

Random musings

Stuff I've written in my journal that still feels like it applies.
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Because I am in Christ, seeing Him is finding myself.

Can I really be one with You? You died for it; teach me. Show me how it's true.

I want to experience Christ.

I know it's God's approval that matters and not people's, but sometimes I'm afraid that I'm not even pleasing to God so I try to please people to help make up for it.
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Right now I find it very difficult to believe and truly accept that God loves me. I know it's true, but it's so incomprehensible to me that my mind and heart rail against it. Needless to say, I haven't felt very close to God lately, mostly because I've been avoiding Him because I'm an idiot and I feel like I'm becoming very self-absorbed again. Bu hao.

No person's affirmation or approval, no matter how desperately desired, will ultimately leave me empty, and if I'm unwilling to accept it from God or believe Him when he tries to tell me, then where does that leave me? Screwed.

I think I could live off of a section of Ephesians, where Paul's reflecting on God's ridiculous love:
"When I think of the wisdom and scope of God's plan, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from His glorious, unlimited resources He will give you mighty inner strength through His Holy Spirit. And I pray that Christ will be more and more at home in your hearts as you trust in Him. May your roots go down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep His love really is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is so great you will never fully understand it. Then you will be filled with the fullness of life and power that comes from God."

I need to experience that love so badly to break through my own bullcrap. It's fine to realize you're a sinner and full of crap as long as you understand that there's real, rich love available that heals and restores and redeems, and available because that Love really, genuinely likes you and cares about you and cares for you. God, help me. Open my eyes and my heart.

Currently Listening Lovers' Requiem By I Am Ghost see related

Greetings from The Box

I just got complimented well from a completely unexpected source. It's a really amazing feeling.

Also, life is going much better now, just for those of you concerned. (i.e., Chris.) This week's going to suck school-wise, but that's not unusual. I just hope I don't fail Marketing. More than I already have, anyway. Emotionally/spiritually I'm doing okay; sometimes I still feel unloved or lonely, but I'm trying to find my worth and esteem in God and what He's done for me and thinks of me rather than trying to get it from people. (Holy crap that sounds clichéd, but it's true.)

Also, I Am Ghost is addictive.

Currently Listening Phil Wickham By Phil Wickham Fall Into You see related

Just spilling out my heart

Currently Listening Phil Wickham By Phil Wickham Fall Into You see related

Still here, still alive