matteli's Xanga

you gas...it smells like petunias

Fri, 28 Jul 2006 12:11:03 GMT

it looks like the essence of blog is not original to our 21st century world. i finished reading a biography on the life of benjamin franklin and come to believe that he was far ahead of the blogosphere. franklin was a printer with an acclaimed recognition of being the best writer in the colonial united states. poor richard's almanac, a publication of maxims for social and economic advancement, was the beginning of this trendy move to print and publish an enormous amount of propaganda, scientific intrigue, and general social thought. and so when franklin retired in his early forties from a full time job as a printer and postmaster the vacuum of time created spurred on new experimentation and lifelong travels.

this is where flatulation comes in; gas, to those of us less impressed by high society verbage.

around 1779 benji was sitting around his paris estate, on official diplomatic duty, when a notorious proposal was penned. franklin, in all seriousness, felt strongly that the odious nature of a soldier could eventually set fire to uncontrollable company debilitation. i will post his entire proposal just because it's that funny. let me reiterate here that franklin is very serious:

"it is universally well known that in digesting our common food, there is created or produced in the bowels of human creatures a great quantity of wind. that the permitting this air to escape and mix with the atmosphere is usually offensive to the company from the fetid smell that accompanies it. that all well-bred people therefore, to avoid giving such offense forcibly restrain the efforts of nature to discharge that wind. that so retained contrary to nature, it not only gives frequently great present pain, but occasions future diseases..."

"were it not for the odiously offensive smell accompanying such escapes, polite people would be under no more restraint in discharging such wind in company than they are in spitting or in blowing their noses. my prize question therefore should be, to discover some drug wholesome and not disagreeable, to be mixed with our common food or sauces, that shall render the natural discharges of wind from our bodies, not only inoffensive, but agreeable as perfumes."

walter issacson, the author of this book, went on to state that franklin "proceeded to explain how different food and minerals change the odor of farts. might not a mineral such as lime work to make the smell more pleasant?" in addition, franklin continued to note how unhelpful aristotle and newton were in such experimentation (go figure) of vital fartal importance: "what comfort can the vortices of decartes give to a man who has wirlwinds in his bowls!" [a quote of franklin].

now mock all you want but the uncontrollable flatulents among us are as self-conscience as those with smelly feet in the winter. and if we're honest, we've all got our unexpected predicaments. the last instance of personal taboo came when tracy and i were visiting a church in the upper eastern region of new york. coming off of what must have been anti-lime produce, i had the dreaded silent, but extremely violent, wind passage. unbeknownst to tracy there were great moments of distress when we first arrived at the service itself, corresponding to the introduction of a older lady from the church. assuming the smell matched the introduction, a misunderstanding ensued. when the truth came out later as i confided my problem with tracy, there was instant remorse for silent fartal accusations.

as for franklin, such experimentation was never tested, and in my personal experience no such mineral supplement has ever moved me to ask another, "hmm, could you pass that again? i've never smelt such blissful flatulation!"

maybe "poor" richard was metaphoric rather than economic?

television makes you more dummer

Mon, 24 Jul 2006 08:18:24 GMT

humboldt squid, or killer squid, in the sea of cortez will only live a couple years but grow so rapidly that for us to understand we would need to picture a human baby developing into a full grown whale; the gas in your home does not actually have a smell, it's added in so you can detect a leak; irish natives headbutt to the face, the french to the chest; there are secret cia divisions within random metro stops throughout the united states. these are things i've learned from watching television. the discovery channel, friends, the world cup, and alias each add to a conglomerate of reality in my head. but a steady diet of television education is like eating a daily portion of broccoli jello, which begs the question, "if a tree falls in a gelatinous mass, and no one is around to see it, does it make a splash?"

television education is like a cancer. the end game is an intellect full of surreal imaging and entertaining hodgepodge.

in the past i used to spend more time writing xanga entries as a creative outlet, now i learn the foxtrot from "so you think you can dance?" i'm not saying television is evil per se, but it does have an affect. this requires my other mode of education, stemming from a observant wit and a valient reading regiment, to even the playing field and keep a tighter cap on reality (i guess reality has a head now).

for example, when i begin to walk around with a fresh mind and a quick step i learn vital information. did you know a hair straightener can heat up to 410 degrees fahrenheit? this is very important information if an intruder enters you home, or you need to weld something in a jiffy. or what about american history? benjamin franklin invented the lightening rod which went over so well he became a social icon in france. so when he went over to solicit help during the revolutionary war, the country was so awe inspired by his presence that they eventually signed a treaty to aid in the colonists efforts for independence just two days after the american continental congress began to discuss possibly accepting a proposal from the british. the lightening rod, in other words, may have been the difference between an elvis spotting or a spot of tea. and hugh grant would be much less intriguing to say the least...fagidaboudit!

anyway, i think my point is valid and my prose is true. long gone are the days when i had thoughts like, "i wonder if bigfoot walks in a circle?" now my thoughts are being distracted by the 100 most sexiest blondes on the entertainment channel and my daily lunchtime dose of family feud--richard karn rocks!

i am western man...with a hint of united nethermoroccagentine

Wed, 19 Jul 2006 16:43:38 GMT

it has been an ambition of mine to visit every continent on the planet. well, i guess i am close although through the magic of meaningless internet mapping, it sure looks like i've been nowhere. it also looks like i've been to the outer most glaciers of canada...yes, it's true. i guess i am most likely more western in my ways than i realize, no matter how much angst toward western values my humanities degree tried to encourage.

to patrons, constituents, and xangaphiles

Fri, 07 Jul 2006 09:59:40 GMT

i think courtney was right. those days of spontaneous pics, inspirational prose, and diabolical word plays are falling down on my xanga manufacting flow chart...it's in my head and it shows that last quarter was not productive.

i've come up with some reasons:

1. books, podcasts, and pies.

2. pies, books, and podcasts.

3. podcasts, pies, and books.

4. itineration travels--tracy and i went to nyc and the surrounding area every week in june.

5. cable television--who can deny "so you think you can dance," the world cup, and "house"?

6. electronic chess--it came standard on tracy's new imac and i am completely stunned by how good the computer can play

7. laziness--ok, so i guess there is no "good" reason why i should hinder my writing, and i don't plan to. but i have a feeling that someday i will be back with a vengence. that's "f" for "fo shure!"

**oh yeah, the fact that joel osteen has gone international with his publications has inspired me to do the same, so i have been spending time looking for a good xanga translater so my south american and middle european viewers can come aboard the ss mateo hermano!

ditt beste liv er na!!

Wed, 28 Jun 2006 13:42:14 GMT

the comparisons have come from all sides. apparently i have become the joel osteen from the northeast due to our striking physical simularities.

and just as confirmation, i was rummaging through some old papers today when i came across a letter from one of the most infamous georgetown students ever, hannah coyne, who began her chi alpha affirmation of me with, "matt, first off, you have a great smile."

"matt make apple pie; listening to the history of byzantium correspondingly"

Tue, 27 Jun 2006 17:52:33 GMT

shady honorarium

Wed, 14 Jun 2006 09:23:46 GMT

tracy and i were at a service a couple weeks ago when the treasurer slipped us the honorarium for coming to the church in a handshake. yes, it was folded. yes, there was no outward mention of the secret transaction in conversation. yes, it was weird.

needless to say, it was one for the ages. are my blogs getting lamer by the week?

the tides turn

Sat, 27 May 2006 18:54:50 GMT

when i was living with my friend jerod he used to harass me because of my new found love with the luffa. question: what better way to scrub the body with both precision and likability. but never underestimate the shifting of tectonic plates and the lunar dynamics on the tides, because jerod is a luffa-lovin' fool.

well, in my own life i have similar shiftings.

a while ago my hip and surfer stylin' former roommate, micah, came to visit me at a friends house wearing a blue argyle sweater. and without hesitation i honored that decision with ridicule and a point with my longest and most pointy fore finger.

but nowadays i have found solace in my own argyle sweater. and with this tidal wave of change, i must say that i have sided with style, and the public loves it. thanks micah.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Sun, 14 May 2006 21:52:24 GMT

i'm going to keep this blog up and running.

but fyi, tracy and i have a new blog location on our up-and-coming cornell chi alpha website.

check it out: www.xacornell.com

cheesy surreality

Mon, 08 May 2006 09:21:08 GMT

after eating chicken tenders and pepsi at 10:30 in a sports bar, just before going to bed, i had a dream that my sister was a co-investigator in an underground secret society.

tracy’s high school partner in crime, lyndsay, led the way toward uncovering the secret as more and more obscure events came into play, until finally there was a discovery. when i came to the scene, which really looked like a scene in a movie and not real life, i.e. the walls were unconnected and you could pass between berlin and paris with just a few steps, i found sentries standing guard and the wicked witch from the west rising out of a large crevasse in the earth; lyndsay, to her right, a prisoner. automatically i began unearthing what went down even though i tried over and over again to convince them that “enough people have died already! how many more need to die!”

when i learned the true identity of the underground secret cheese society i was shocked. the wicked witch from the west was coordinating it all, while celebrities like katie couric were getting rich off of the latest production of gourmet kraft. instantly i began a rebellion and a cover up. i began taking every piece of cheese i could find laying on the ground and force feeding the secret society members and sentries. dexterity flew out the window as everyone basically starred at me until they realize i was somehow posing somekind of protest or revolt and therefore felt it was a good idea to “shut this kid down.” but no one could stop me. i ran viciously making the greedy conduits of kraft eat their own cheese, forcing immediate profits to plummet. the end of this story ended as quickly as it began. I was force-feeding people and shooting down sentries like jack bauer when i opened my eyes and reality took over.

i don't think we sustain from eating at night for weight and health purposes as much as it is necessary for sanity and conspicuous ploys.