Hmmm...I have a lingering headache.  Not only was it an insane Sunday at work, but I also had my bothersome contact lenses giving me attitude.  What's sad is that I knew they'd give me attitude and I purposely brought tylenol to work.  But alas, I forgot to take them, so I was stuck with a headache all day.  An insane headache coupled with lots and lots of people.  I guess it was so busy that I forgot I had a headache, which I suppose was a good thing.  The only times I realized my head was throbbing was when the crowd slowed down for mere minutes at a time.  Blah.  What a day.

I remembered what it was like to have butterflies again, though.  A customer was nearby who was strikingly similar in apparance to my first boyfriend.  He wasn't as tall and a little slimmer, but man, it was eery.  I couldn't tell at first the similarity until he lifted up his head when I asked if he needed help.  For a moment, he just stared at me before he answered.  It was during that stare where the quick thought crossed my mind, "Hmm, is that him?"  The way he looked at me seemingly suggested that perhaps we already met in some past life.  But it was nothing like that.  He just smiled politely.  Either way, though, the resemblance was uncanny, so much that it gave me butterflies. 

How very pathetic that even after 5 years, my first boyfriend (or even someone who looks like him) can still make me go aflutter. Even when I turned him away for good, I can still feel this way.  I sense it will be like that forever too.  But I guess that's a first love for you.  First loves always have that special place in your heart and apparently, that's still the case with him.  While it doesn't make me miss him per se, it still makes me miss the feelings I had when I was with him.  I miss those dang butterflies sometimes, that feeling of being with someone who can warm my heart and make me love just loving him.  I haven't had that in so long that I've all but forgotten what it was like.  So I guess in a way, it was nice to know I still had it.

I got pretty close to feeling that again with my male friend DJ, close to developing a strong love for him even though we never became a couple.  At least, at first.  He's a male brat and has a horrid attitude about life lately, but even then, I can still tell that if things were different with our situation, I can still love him just the same.  I do think about him alot, wondering what he's doing and if he's alright, but that's not because I'm madly in love.  Nah, my experiences have taught me that just because someone's on my mind, doesn't mean I'm falling for them.  In his case, it's pretty much because I've grown to care about him and am genuinely concerned about his wellbeing, no matter how much he pisses me off, and boy, does he ever piss me off.  That's what knowing someone for over 4 years can do to you I guess.  That's plenty of time to get acquainted with them where they're not so much a minor issue, even if they DO get under your skin. 

It's wonderful practice I think and helps prepare me better for a marriage to a man.  "It's not always rainbows and butterflies," as the song says.  But yah, that just goes to show me how absolutely stubborn I'd be just for the sake of being loving to someone.  Perhaps that's why I put up with so much crap from men.  Desperate to love on them.  But I have to be fair to myself.  While there's nothing wrong with loving as much I know how unconditionally, I deserve to be loved on in return. It'll help maintain my motivation to love them.  Not that I'm only intending to love them if they love me back, but....it's evident to me now just how willing I am to love a man even when he's at his worst towards me.  If that's the way it's gonna be for me, then I simply must remember to allow myself to have the same thing.  I can't allow myself to go without being loved.  It just wouldn't be fair to me.  I don't think that's being selfish.  It's just being smart.

Blah, this friggin' headache is coming and going.  I guess that means I should be going...